


Reinvention

by AceSparkleGirl



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Childhood Friends, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Marijuana, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt (mention)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2018-10-22 07:11:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 76,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10692267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceSparkleGirl/pseuds/AceSparkleGirl
Summary: Imagine a world where none of what Evan told the Murphy family was a lie. A world where Connor was there the day that Evan fell, because they've been friends for years. A world where even in a world where even when two outcasts get lost in the in between, they at least have each other, and they know they don't have to just... disappear.An alternate universe where Evan and Connor were childhood friends, Events are twisted from the canon, but no one's dead, so there's the up side.





	1. Chapter 1

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

 

_I just wanted to let you know that_

 

Evan pauses, his pencil pressing too hard into the stationery paper that’s carefully aligned with the edges of his desk. The tip breaks, and it makes him jump- has him gnawing at his lower lip hard, harder, until he thinks he tastes iron and there’s red beading there.

 

“Crap.”

 

Flattening his palm out over the stationery, he draws it up in one swift motion, crumpling the paper into a ball and promptly tossing it into the small metal trash beside his feet. Crossing his ankles, he makes an attempt to still the shaking in his leg as he evens out yet another sheet of paper on his desk before he once again begins the header, just as he’s been taught in therapy, or in the twelve years he’s been in public education.

 

Name. Date. Greeting.

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

 

_I know we don’t talk that often anymore, but I just thought that it would be good for you to know that I_

 

It’s not good enough. He can’t manage for it to sound right, and eyes trail off of the paper, up the tip of his pen, and to the side where his prescriptions sit lined up carefully on the back of his desk. His gaze lingers too long on one bottle, and his eyes narrow slightly as he fights to remember if he even _took_ his medication today. Deciding that it doesn’t matter right now, he disregards the bottles, looking down at the paper once again. The black ink isn’t sitting with him well, and he repeats the same motion in order to crunch it up, watching as it joins the other in the trash, leaving a pair of two absolute failures.

 

They’re just like him.

 

Shaking his head, he ignores the invasive thought before he turns once again to the letter- or, really, the lack thereof. He clicks the pen a few times before he closes it and puts it back in his pen holder, and there’s a pause before he pulls out his favorite blue one, noting just how low the ink is. He figures that he should probably actually ask his mom to bring him out to the store so that he can actually get a few new ones.

 

The stationery that he lines up this time feels loaded with a million words as he carefully writes his name in the top right corner, the date under it, and it’s only then that he realizes that it’s the end of August, and school starts up in another week or so. Clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, he shifts uncomfortably, eyebrows furrowing as he puts his pen to the paper once again. _Third time’s the charm_ , he thinks to himself, starting the letter once again.

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

 

_Since senior year is coming up, I thought that I’d actually write to you again. I know it’s been a while, and I’m sorry, I’m still getting used to this cast, but maybe we should hang out again. If you want to, I mean. I know it’s been awhile since we’ve talked, but things have been crazy, and I swear I’ve been meaning to get to you. Before school starts up, I just wanted to let you know that I really do care, and I would love to keep in touch this year, because you’re my best friend._

 

He puts his pen down, staring hard at the paper like he’s waiting for something to happen. For the words to jump out and smack some sense into him, or for it to settle in that it sounds ridiculous before he folds it up to stick in an envelope.

 

It doesn’t happen.

 

Within a second’s time, he’s picking the pen up again and signing his name at the end- or, rather, _not_ his name.

 

_Sincerely, Me._

 

Idly doodling a little tree beside the ‘name’, he traces a finger over the perimeter of the stationery before he carefully folds it into thirds and tucks it into an envelope, sealing it with a star sticker he’s probably had since he was eleven. It’s gold, like the sun, and the way that he felt the day that he was with Connor in the tree when he--

 

His train of thought is broken as his mother opens the door without knocking. Again. Turning quickly, he looks at her, pushing the envelope between two books on his desk. He greets her with a wave, curt and fast and _nervous_ as he glances down to his cast. She's in her scrubs, which means she's leaving for work, and he doesn't feel guilty when he can't bring himself to look up at her again.

 

“I'm off to work, honey. I'll be home later tonight, I hope. There's money on the table, if you want to…” A pause. “Or, there's a frozen pizza in the freezer.”

 

Evan makes a mental note that he knows what he's going to go with.

 

“Got it, mom. Thanks. I'll talk to you later.”

 

His voice is quick and rushed and as he talks he feels his face heat up, because he wasn't really looking to talk to anyone today. There's a reason he's writing a letter and not just walking down the street and knocking at Connor’s front door like a _normal person_ would. He straightens up to turn around when he sees her slink back into the crack of the door, but he freezes when she speaks.

 

“I love you, Evan.”

 

Oh. Fantastic. He clears his throat, nodding. “Yeah. Love you, too, mom.”

 

It's then that he hears the door click shut again and he lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. It’s only a little past noon, but suddenly he’s exhausted. He knows he _should_ deliver the letter, but... When’s the last time he’s actually hand written something? Does Connor even check the mail? Who sends _letters_ anymore, Evan Hansen? He shakes his head carefully, eyebrows furrowing before he addresses the letter, stands up, and promptly goes outside to put it in his _own_ mailbox, flipping the little red flag up.

 

He’ll expect an answer in a day or two, and when he goes back into his bedroom for what feels to be the rest of the day, he tries not to think about it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes back to school, and things do not go as he wants.

A week later, and he’s gotten no response. At first, he figures that he shouldn’t be worried- maybe the mail’s been slow, or the letter’s lost in a pile of mail on the Murphy’s table. It’s not unheard of for a little bit of mail to go missing, but he excuses the thought because he can’t get the image of Zoe rifling through the mail and finding Evan’s letter out of his head. He imagines that she’d run it right up to Connor and give it to him, or at least put it aside on the table for him.

 

Maybe he should have just emailed the darn thing. The letter is all that he can think of when he’s walking to school on the first day, and he can’t stop the heavy feeling in his chest when he finally gets to his first class. Alana and Jared had stopped him somewhere along the line, and the marker in his pocket felt as heavy as a brick as he excused himself and went to his homeroom.

 

It’s there that he pulls out his notebook, and scratches out yet another letter- it’s not as careful as the other, and he knows too well that the bell is due to ring in less than three minutes, but this is something that needs to be done. And what better place to do it than somewhere that no one’s going to talk to him? Pulling out his blue pen, he smooths out a piece of lined notebook paper, and starts immediately.

 

_Dear Connor Murphy_ ,

_I’m sorry if I bothered you with that last letter. I know I probably have no place in sending you something after a few months. I know I suck, but I do mean it when I say that I didn’t want to stop being friends or anything._ ~~_You mean a lot to me_ ~~_~~,~~ You’re my best friend. I wasn’t kidding when I said that. The last thing I want is to lose you. Please don’t be mad. _

 

_Sincerely, Me._

 

It’s good enough for what it is, he decides, as the final bell goes off, and he folds the paper in half, and then in half again, and then he tucks it away into his pocket. Connor’s not even in his first class, and he wonders briefly why he even bothered to write this _now_ , because class feels like it’s going by so damn slowly that Evan’s sure he’s having some sort of weird nightmare.

 

That is, at least, until he’s slipping out of the class and trying to walk through the hall, and he comes face to face with another person. Or, rather, face to… shoulder. Stepping back quickly, his attention is turned up, and he feels his face pale.

 

“Connor!” There’s a smile on his face for only a moment before the look on Connor’s face gets to him, and Evan pauses. “It’s- been a while! I- um- actually have this to give to you, and--” He ducks his head down, his hand pushing into his pocket to locate the mess of a letter. He looks up after he’s retrieved it, and the apathetic look on Connor’s face remains.

 

“It’s been three months.”

 

“Oh- Yeah, yeah, I know, but I mean, I don’t- I didn’t _mean_ to-” He can’t get any of the words out that he wants to, and he simply pushes the paper forward towards him, hands shaking. “Here! I- wrote it out this morning, and I know you probably don’t want to hear it- or. Read it, I guess, but-”

 

He cuts himself off when Connor snatches the paper from his hand and crumples it into a ball, shoving it into his own pocket. “Great. Thanks for reaching out to me, Hansen.” His voice is almost dripping in sarcasm, and it does nothing but make Evan’s nerves grow more tense.

 

“Oh- I. Um. No problem,” he whispers, looking away. “Maybe I’ll catch you around?”

 

Connor shrugs, and it isn’t until he’s walking away that he remembers the marker in his pocket. He should’ve asked him to sign his cast.

 

\--

 

After school that day, Evan sees him again. He’s waiting for all of the busses to leave so that he start walking home without running into anyone, and Connor happens to pass by him on his way out, with his backpack slung over one shoulder. He stops when he sees Evan, who happens to make eye contact with him, and promptly look away. Without a second to spare, Connor heads right over to him, and Evan, for a moment, is sure that he’s stopped breathing. He can’t even be sure if he’s read either letter yet, because the first thing that Connor says to him regards his arm.

 

“Not healed yet, huh?”

 

Evan looks to either side of himself, as if he’s confused that he’s being spoken to, before he looks back towards Connor and nods. “...Yeah, it’s still. Broken. I think it’s gonna take another few- few months for the cast to come off, so…”

 

“No one’s signed it.” Connor’s statement comes pointedly and quick and it leaves Evan reeling as his face goes red, and he shakes his head.

 

“No- I was supposed to ask people today- but I guess I- I kind of forgot? And, well-”  
  
“Do you have a Sharpie?”

Before he even answers, Evan’s nodding, sticking his hand in his pocket and giving the Sharpie to Connor, staring as his friend spells his name out in big, capital letters across the white of the cast, as if he's carving it into a tree. Evan tries to ignore the fact that the initial impact was hard enough to hurt. Once he's done, Connor takes a few steps back, nodding.

 

“There,” he mumbles, pressing the Sharpie into his friend's open palm. “Now maybe everyone _else_ will see that we're friends.”

 

The way he says it hits Evan in the chest with all the blunt force of a weapon, and he nods slowly, nervously, fidgeting with a loose string in his pocket as he returns the marker there. “Yeah,” he agrees, and then just like before, Connor’s gone without another word.

 

He wonders briefly if he knows how much he actually means to him, and he's left thinking about the encounter the entire walk home.

 

\--

 

That night, Evan goes, yet again, without any response, and hardly any sleep on top of that. Instead, his night is spent in bed, staring up at the ceiling.

 

He really messed up this time.

 

It isn’t until past midnight that he even begins to doze off, and not without thinking about Connor.

 

He really doesn’t want to lose him, but it seems like he’s been doing an awful job at trying to keep him around up to this point. Every day he goes back to school expecting to be greeted with a friendly punch to the shoulder, or a noogie, and that signature Connor grin and greeting, but those greetings never come.

 

\--

 

It’s the third day of Senior year, and Connor Murphy still hasn’t gotten back to him. In fact, he hasn’t even _seen_ him in school, which is… unsettling, to say the least. In fact, it would be incredibly worrying if he didn't know that Connor’s apt to skip days, but he tries to push it to the back of his mind- something that he finds increasingly hard as the days pass by.

 

It's not until he's walking home on the third day when he figures he should probably at least send him an email, check in on him, do _something_ , anything, as long as it didn't mean going to the Murphy’s house without warning. That thought, however is put to an end when he walks by their house to the sound of sirens and mismatching blue and red lights.

 

Evan's stomach sinks like a brick.

 

His pace quickens as he walks by, holding his broken arm close to his chest as he runs home, all the while hoping that seeing Mrs. Murphy crying in the doorway was just his imagination just as much as he hopes she hadn't seen him.

 

When he pushes through the door, he's surprised to find his mother home, and he narrowly avoids the question of how well his day went as he rushes up to his room and throws open his laptop. He knows there's homework in his backpack, but this is more important. The feeling that something bad happened won't stop nagging at the back of his mind as he types, and it's only making his hands shake as he types.

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

 

_How are you? It's been a few days since I've seen you. I know school sucks, but you make it kind of tolerable. Did you read my letters?_

 

He needs to cut to the chase, and he knows it. So he backspaces, swallowing thickly.

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

 

_Today I was walking home and there were ambulances outside your house. I hope everything's okay. I know I haven't seen you in a few days, but you signing my cast meant a lot to me. I really hope you're okay. Please respond as soon as you can._

 

_Sincerely, Me._

_P. S. I miss our talks. I miss you._

 

He hits send before he can even take the time to proofread it like he's so used to doing. He can't even be bothered to worry about whether or not it's too much as he watches the _Sent!_ box pop up on his screen, clicking the ‘x’ before he closes his laptop and pulls his backpack over to himself.

 

It takes another five minutes for him to even start that, because his eyes keep flickering over to the laptop that's been pushed aside. His homework is done about as haphazardly as it could be, and by the time it comes time to eat dinner, he can't get the tightness in his chest to go away.

 

He takes his medicine that night and he goes to bed without a response. By this point, it feels like it should be expected, but it just has him on the verge of a panic attack when he wakes up the next morning and there's a ‘0’ next to his new messages.

 

That's not good.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's where everything gets fucked.
> 
> I just really wanted to get this second chapter out here, and from here I think I'll probably space out the updates more evenly. I have approximately 6 or 7 chapters written as is, so I may just post one a week? One every like three days? Who knows. I aim to please.
> 
> Enjoy :>
> 
> P.S. [Here's](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/159864979872/reinvention-chapter-2) a tumblr link. If you want it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan Hansen figures out exactly why there were ambulances outside his best friend's house.

There are no cars in the Murphy’s driveway when he walks by in the morning with half of a granola bar in his hand and his eyes trained on Connor’s name on his cast. He brushes it off as Mr. Murphy already headed to work and Mrs. Murphy running some errands. Zoe’s probably already at school, and Connor’s asleep in his room skipping. He's convinced of this as he continues on, idly pulling out his phone and tap, tap, tapping away at the screen, scrolling through social media posts without paying attention to them.

 

He's so closed in on his own world that he doesn't see both of the Murphys’ cars in the visitor’s lot, and he doesn't question the lack of Connor in the halls when he goes to his first class. Jared leans on his desk and asks how he's been.

 

Evan lies and tells him that he's doing just great, in the messiest way possible. “I'm- good. I'm… great! It's- so nice out, um, today, isn't it?”

 

Jared rolls his eyes and takes a seat as the bell rings, and for once Evan is glad that he's stuck behind a window when class begins and no one else talks to him until the phone on the teacher's desk is ringing, and his homeroom teacher looks up and locks eyes with Evan.

 

“He'll be right down.”

 

The walk feels longer than it is as he takes the trek down to the principal’s office with a crumpled up hall pass in his hand. He's been playing with it to calm his nerves and try and get the chorus of ‘ _oooooooo’_ s out of his head that his classmates had broken out in when he was called up. They don't go away until he's sitting down in a chair that feels like it's swallowing him whole, and looking straight at Mr. and Mrs. Murphy.

 

The ‘ _ooooooo_ ’s are replaced with the sound of sniffling, and Mrs. Murphy is dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. The principal’s lips are mashed into a grim line as he stands up and walks out, and Evan wishes more than anything that he could just disappear right then and there, especially as Mr. Murphy finally speaks. At first it’s a thank you- he _thanks_ Evan for coming, and there’s a long pause before Evan even manages to choke out that it’s no problem.

 

But it is. It is a problem, because he doesn’t know what’s wrong. He doesn’t know exactly why Mrs. Murphy is crying, and he’s not sure if he should speak up or not, but he figures that he doesn’t need to, because Mr. Murphy is talking again.

 

“...Why don’t you go ahead, honey?”

 

Mrs. Murphy’s response is quick and harsh, but there are tears in her eyes as he speaks. “I’m going as fast as I _can_ , Larry.” Mr. Murphy just nods, and Evan’s confusion is finally put to a stop when she speaks again. “We-- know that you’re Connor’s friend, so we only thought that it would be important for… For you to know that- Connor tried to end his life yesterday.”

 

The words lodge themselves between Evan’s ribs like a knife, and he’s left just staring at them numbly. “I’m- I’m sorry, what? He-- He what?” The word ‘tried’ is hanging in the air like an echo, and suddenly the ambulances and police cars outside of the Murphy’s house make sense to him. But he doesn’t want them to. It’s then that Mrs. Murphy breaks down, crumpling over herself as Mr. Murphy brings a hand down to pat at her back, and he looks up at Evan with a look that can only be described as _pity_.

 

“...He’s still- alive,” he murmurs, looking away from his wife before his gaze falls back on Evan, who’s positive he looks like a deer in the headlights. “He’s stable, but he’s in the hospital. We- thought you should know. He had a letter from you, and- we know how _happy_ you two always seemed and-”

  
“I-I don’t know what to-- I can’t- I don’t know--...” Whenever Evan tries to speak,  it’s coming out in a jumble of words- a mess of half excuses and trying to figure out what to do with himself as he plays with a loose string on the hem of his shirt. Connor was fine, just a few days ago, he’d _seen_ him, and now he was in the _hospital_ ? He’s shaking his head as he stands up. “I-- I have to go! I’m _sorry_ , I’m- so _sorry_..!”

 

The last thing he hears is Mrs. Murphy breaking down, and Mr. Murphy telling him that he can feel free to visit, but that’s just about the last thing he can think about as he rushes out of the principal’s office wiping his eyes and trying to still his shaking hand enough to send his mother a text to tell her that he’s coming home. Whether she cares or not is lost to him, and the sinking feeling in his stomach only gets worse as he runs past the Murphy’s. He needs to get home, because sleep sounds increasingly nice right now.

 

\--

 

Sleep, of course, isn’t what he gets. As much as he wishes that he could just close his eyes and forget that any of the day’s events had happened, he winds up sitting up in his bed leaning against a pile of pillows with his laptop balanced carefully on his knees after three hours of silence. Now, he’s been writing for five minutes, he thinks, and by now it’s just stream of consciousness, because there are tears in his eyes that he can’t bother to wipe away as he types.

 

 _Dear Evan Hansen_ , is the start- a header that he hasn’t scratched out in attempt to address himself in quite some time.

 

 _Dear Evan Hansen_ ,

 

_Today is not a good day. It can’t be a good day, good month, or a good year, cuz I’ve messed up, and I should have been there. He was there for me when I had nobody else, and I went and ruined everything I had._

 

He’s _not_ being too harsh on himself, he has to remind himself, finally lifting his hand to wipe at his eyes with the back of his hand before he continues.

 

 _His parents said that he’s alive, and I can visit him, but I’ve messed up so much by now. I should be visiting him right now instead of pitying myself alone in my room like I’ve been doing for months, because that’s what got me_ into _this mess in the first place. Staying behind a window was okay to do when I had no friends, but I have Connor, and he needs me. He needs me more than I feel like I need to be hiding. Today could have been a great day if I hadn’t hid from him for so long. He’s my best friend._

 

_Sincerely, Me._

 

Finishing the letter leaves him feeling more empty than he had before, but that doesn’t stop him from jumping when his messenger goes off with a response to a message from Jared that he sent probably two hours ago.

 

_“holy shit, evan, he what?”_

 

Evan draws in a breath, glancing to his door before he shrinks back down, gaze falling once again to Connor’s name on his arm.

 

_“Connor tried to kill himself yesterday. His parents told me.”_

 

_“hes not dead though”_

 

_“No!”_

 

_“so your boyfriends still alive”_

 

He doesn’t know why that makes his stomach flip as hard as it does, but he ignores it for the sake of responding.

 

_“He’s not my boyfriend, but yes. If he weren’t, I wouldn’t be messaging you. He’s my best friend.”_

 

_“way to make a guy feel important.”_

 

_“This isn’t funny.”_

 

_“so why are you messaging me again”_

 

_“Because I don’t know what to do!”_

 

_“Connor’s in the hospital and I don’t know what to do.”_

 

_“I don’t want him to think I’m mad at him.”_

 

_“go visit him.”_

 

_“What? I can’t do that. Why would he want to see me? I haven’t talked to him since I broke my arm.”_

 

_“Which wasn’t his fault or anything, I just got upset!”_

  
_  
“God, he probably thinks I hate him.”_

 

_“evan do us both a god damn favor here ando try to link your thoughts in one fucking message. clearly you messaged me for a reason and someones gotta tell you what you need to hear. so go visit him. we both know no one else will.”_

 

Evan stares at the message for longer than he wants to before he finally responds.

 

_“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks.”_

 

Jared leaves the message on seen, and Evan doesn’t have much of a problem with it as he’s opening a new document.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_We all make mistakes. Sometimes I just make more than I feel like I should, but that’s not to say that I can’t make things better. I’ll visit Connor tomorrow and let him know I care. He’ll have to listen if it’s not in a letter, right?_

 

_Sincerely, Me._

 

He’s happy enough with it when he closes his laptop and leans over to set it on his desk, drawing in a breath that feels too sharp. He slips out of his bed to move to his window and pull it open before he sinks back into his mattress, resting his broken arm against the top of his knees before he leans forward against his legs, staring off to the side. The nervousness that was there last night is gone, replaced with concern. He’s fine- at least, he’s _alive_ , which is good news, and... He’s _alive_.

 

Evan’s biggest fear was not being able to see him again, but now it seems it’s something that could have been more than possible, and it leaves a bad taste in his mouth when he finally pulls himself out of his bed to go make himself something for lunch.

 

He’s not expecting his mother to be sitting at the kitchen table with her hands up in her hair, though.

 

Freezing in the doorway, he shifts, glancing aside. “Uh- Hi!- mom. When did you get home?”

 

When she looks up, she looks stressed, and Evan feels like he’s going to turn on his heel and go back into his room, but his mom stops talking before he can line it up in his mind to actually move.

 

“...Did you know your friend Connor is in the hospital?”

 

Any breath that was still in Evan’s lungs felt immediately like it had been knocked out of him, and he remembers all at once that his mother _works_ in the hospital. Of course she knew.

  
“Yes- yeah! I- mean… Yes.” Evan’s gaze drops to the linoleum tiling beneath his feet, toes curling to press into the ground as if he’s anchoring himself there, because he has no other idea how to deal with this situation.

 

“Do you... know how he got there?”

 

That’s a question that he doesn’t want to answer, so instead he shrugs hard, and finally musters the courage to actually walk over to the fridge and pull out a leftover slice of pizza, taking a bite out of it cold. The shrug makes his mother sigh, but he doesn’t think much of it, carefully taking a seat across from her.

 

“I can take you to go visit him, if you want.”

 

The offer isn’t completely unexpected, and he’d been planning on visiting anyways, but having it come from his mother makes him shift in his seat and look down, practically hunching over himself while he takes another bite of his pizza, chews, and swallows it.

 

“...That- might be… I- That’d be alright,” he managed, his eyes wandering once again to the cast, and over the letters of Connor’s name. Faring the car ride with his mother might not be that bad, as long as she doesn’t push it too much, and as long as he gets to see Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo buddy here we go. Basically when I wrote these I had them separated by, like, scene? So when I divvied 'em up, I had to figure out what should land where and whatnot. 
> 
> Also, I think I'm going to aim for a chapter release every three days! I think that will give me enough time to finish it before I run out of chapters to post. We'll see :>
> 
> P.S. [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/159977634322/reinvention-chapter-3) link! If you want it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes to visit his best friend in the hospital, and things do not go as planned.

When his mother offered to take him to visit Connor, Evan didn't expect it to mean the first thing the next morning. He's not sure of the last time he skipped school, or if he even _has_ , but he supposes that it's not really skipping if his mom called in and the administration knows of the circumstances. To them, it's an excused absence, but to Evan, it's more than that.

 

Last night has grown foggy to him as he sits in the passenger seat of his mom's old car. He thinks he spent it watching movies before he'd fallen asleep, but it didn't seem to matter to him now, instead watching out the window at trees that they pass by. They'll be changing color soon, he thinks to himself, and if his arm weren't broken, he could be climbing them right now.

 

Climbing them.

 

God, it's been a long time since he's been able to climb a tree, but he remembers it so clearly, because it's one of his favorite memories now.

 

He was with Connor at an apple orchard not too far from home, just a few months back. Connor had driven- bragged the whole way that he'd gotten his license before Evan had. Evan remembers the way that his black nailpolish matched the steering wheel. The thought of Connor laughing as Evan got increasingly more flustered about the fact that he still had no license, let alone a _car_ , was one to be treasured. He'd kill to see that smile again.

 

By the time they'd pulled up to the orchard and gotten to the field, Connor was the one to point out the tallest tree he could find, and he'd started running before Evan even caught on.

 

Connor had teased him for being slow as he hopped up to grab onto the first branch, and Evan could only pout in response, cheeks flushing pink in the rays of sun that caught his face. He'd be embarrassed if it weren't Connor, so he only followed him up the branches until Connor slowed to a stop and hauled himself up to sit down, leaning hard into the weak trunk of the apple tree.

 

“It's a nice view from up here, isn't it, Hansen?”

 

Evan cupped a hand over his eyes to squint over the orchard, looking at the trees as they meandered off into specks of nothing in the distance, and he nodded in response.

 

“Come on, man, try not to be so quiet around me. I thought we were over this.” He had laughed again, soft and lovely and melodious, and Evan's expression broke out in a grin.

 

“I know we are!” was his response as he lifted himself to sit beside Connor on the other side of the trunk, his hands curled tight around the branch under him. “But I'm just thinking.”

 

“About?”

 

“If I fell right now,” Evan had said without hesitation. “Do you- Do you think you'd catch me? Maybe?”

 

He still remembers the look Connor had given him- one of slight disbelief mashed with skepticism when he told him that of _course_ he would.

 

“But that doesn't mean you _should_ , dumbass.”

 

Thing is, Evan hadn't exactly _meant_ to fall, only to tease him, make it a funny moment, but then his fingers were gripping at air and his feet weren't against the trunk, and Connor's face was nowhere to be seen. Only sky for forever, so vast and blue, and Evan was _scared_ , because he knew he was on the ground. His back was pressed against the grass, and he knew his arm was there, but he couldn't feel it. He couldn't feel _anything_.

 

He thinks he was crying, but when Connor had scrambled down to help him up, he remembers what he'd said over anything else about the accident.

 

“Asshole- I can't _catch_ you if you don't give me warning.”

 

From there, he'd helped him back to the car and wiped his eyes and told him not to worry, because he wouldn't tell the whole school that Evan Hansen is a baby who cries when he scrapes his knees if he wouldn't tell that Connor Murphy has a soft spot for idiots.

 

It was a promise that he could keep, and the only thing keeping him together on the ride to the hospital is the smile on Connor's face.

  


\--

  


His reminiscing is broken when he feels the car stop and realizes that the trees outside his window are now cars in a parking lot, and his attention turns to his mother, who's talking. How long she's been talking is something he can't be bothered to wonder, because she's unlocking the door and telling him that she's got to get to work, but she scribbles Connor's room number onto a sticky note and presses it into Evan’s palm before pressing a kiss to his cheek.

 

“I love you, Evan. Good luck, and I'll see you later, okay?”

 

He nods numbly, resisting the urge to wipe his cheek off before he tells her that he loves her too, and he waits for her to pull the keys from the ignition before he follows her into the building. The fact that he's going to have to talk to the staff hasn't even sunk into his mind yet until he's walking in the direction of the front desk and folding and unfolding Connor's number as he tries to memorize it, tries to rehearse over and over what to say. By the time he's stepping up, however, the words are gone, and Evan feels like the entire hospital is staring at him as he presses the sticky note onto the counter and smooths it out.

 

“C-Connor Murphy!” he sputters, swallowing hard. “I'm- here to visit. Connor Murphy? He's in… This room,” he pats the paper before continuing, “and I know that because- my mom told me- my mom, she works here, and- he's my friend, so…”

 

He's cut off by the woman behind the desk- a soft-faced blonde with her hair tied up in a ponytail. “Easy there, doll,” she murmurs to him, smiling. “You're not the first one for him- just head into the waiting room, alright? Visiting hours haven't started yet, but as soon as they do, you'll be informed.”

 

Evan's answer is a sharp nod, chest tight as he grabs the piece of paper and plunges it into his pocket, thanking the woman quickly before he starts off to the waiting room.

 

Something tells him that he should have figured that the ‘first one for him’ would have been family, but he's not expecting to find himself sitting shoulder to shoulder with Zoe Murphy.

 

She's the first one to make eye contact, of course, because Evan's too busy staring at his own lap and trying to pretend that he doesn't exist. The fact that it's not working is made too obvious to him when Zoe’s hand comes up and lands on his shoulder. He almost jumps at the contact, shrinking away to look away from her as he smooths out the fabric of his pants and clears his throat to make the attempt to talk, but Zoe beats him to it.

 

“You're here to see Connor, right?”

 

Evan responds with a nod. “Y-Yeah!” His voice jumps as he speaks, raising an octave too high to sound normal, and he clears his throat again, suddenly becoming too aware of just how hard his heart is racing. He can't help but think of how not long ago, he would have killed to be this close to Zoe, but right now…

 

“I wasn't actually going to come today,” Zoe admits, her gaze breaking from Evan to turn to one of the televisions mounted to the wall. Some cooking show is on, and Evan can't help but wonder if that's the best programming they could find at 7:30 in the morning. “I told mom I didn't want to, but she said I should. That he needs the support, or whatever.”

 

Evan’s lost for words. At least, he thinks he is, until he's speaking, eyes locked in his lap.

 

“I- um. Think he… does,” he whispers, fidgeting with his nails as he glances up at her, and back down. “I don't really like. Hospitals. At all! They're kind of, uh, creepy? But. I think- if it's for Connor, I mean…”

 

It's more than he can remember _ever_ speaking to her, but it feels like it needs to be said, and the look that she gives him would have been enough to make his heart stop if she were what he was focusing on. News flash, Evan Hansen, she's not.

 

“You're right-”

 

He cuts her off, panicked and sharp as his legs press together and his shoulders hunch. “I'm sorry!”

 

“What are you apologizing for..?”

 

“I- don't know, I really shouldn't be telling you how- to feel, and- wow, I'm really, really sorry.”

 

“Evan, you're fine.”

 

Zoe’s hand falls to rest on his arm, and Evan has a hard time trying to figure out just how much he would've wanted this for years, but there's something leagues different about it now. It feels too casual, like pity, like a friend, and it clicks in Evan's mind just how much she's just… _here_ , and not much else. It clicks that she's not the first thing on his mind like she has been for years.

 

It's 7:45 in the morning and fifteen minutes is too long. It's nothing compared to the three months he's gone without him, but it feels like an eternity above all else.

  


\--

  


As long as it feels, it ends faster than he thought it would. A lull of silence fell over the both of them after their initial interaction, only being broken when the clock hit eight in the morning. A nurse came in to let them know that Connor was ready to see them now, and the way that it's put makes Evan's stomach turn. It's as if Connor can't think for himself- he's being dictated to a point that he'd never take anywhere else.

 

Something tells him that he's probably not even taking it _here_.

 

He follows the nurse down a few hallways, turning corridor after corridor to inevitably reach their destination. Everything is shockingly white, and he can almost imagine how much Connor hates it.

 

He finds he doesn't need to imagine much when he's being carefully nudged through the door by Zoe, the nurse holding the door open as the two of them entered. Evan's eyes catch on Connor in his bed, sitting up and turned to see who'd come in.

 

“Oh, fantastic.”

 

There's no smile on his face, no joy to his voice, and if Evan had actually looked closer, he'd probably be able to see just how tired he looked.

 

“I tell you guys not to make a fucking _big deal_ out of it, and you go and tell _Evan_.”

 

Evan, who's frozen in the doorway with one hand in his pocket, and feeling awfully empty handed. Maybe he should have brought flowers. Or a snack. Or _something_.

 

“Connor, he's your friend.”

 

“Oh, and what? You bring him here to laugh at me and pretend I'm just trying to get _attention_ like dad thinks?”

 

Evan opens his mouth to talk, but he finds it harder than he usual, because he can't tear his gaze off of him. He clashes too hard with the white sheets and the white gown he's stuck in, and he's almost scared to walk forward. But he does. After drawing in a breath, he steps up to the bed.

 

“ _Connor_ ,” Zoe hisses out, her eyebrows furrowing as she glares at her older brother, arms folding against her chest. It’s not unusual for the two to argue, Evan knows, but this feels different. He’s never been the source of the tension before.

 

Squeezing his eyes shut, Evan feels his fingers curl in tight, and he shakes his head. “I’m- not here to laugh at you!” He can practically feel everyone in the room staring at him, and he opens an eye almost nervously, as if he thinks that if he opens them too fast, Connor will disappear.

 

He doesn’t.

 

Instead, he’s still laying there, staring at Evan with narrowed eyes before he forces out a laugh and raises an eyebrow. “Incredible,” he muses, his arm raising to scratch idly at his forehead. It’s then that Evan puts together the fact that his arms are wrapped tightly with bandages, and it almost makes his head spin. Then he notices that Connor’s nail polish is chipping. “You don’t talk to me for three months, and you show up as soon as something bad happens, huh?”

 

“I-I-... It’s not like that! I didn’t mean to- to stop talking to you, it’s not like I _wanted_ \- to, and-” Evan swallows, his gaze flickering around before they land on the chair by his bedside. He briefly has the thought to go sit down, but then he remembers Zoe, and he turns his head to glance back to see her. The gaze, however, is met with a closed door, and an empty room, and when he turns back around, Connor’s staring at him particularly expectantly.

 

They’re alone, and Evan takes a seat. There’s nowhere else for him to run- he _can’t_ run, so he doesn’t, and his legs cross at his ankles, pressing his toes into the bottom of his sneakers. Connor was there for him, so he needs to be there for Connor.

 

His eyes finally shift up to look back at him. The eye contact takes him off guard, and Evan attempts to return it, but he can’t hold it for long.

 

“We’re just losers, aren’t we, Evan?” There’s a grin on Connor’s face as he speaks- it’s sad, almost, and when Evan looks up again, he notices Connor looking at his cast. “I mean, someone’s gotta see we’re there. That’s why you started talking to me, isn’t it?”

 

“No- No, that’s- not it…”

 

“You were alone.”

  
  
“So were _you_!”

 

Connor rolls his eyes. “So _am_ I.”

 

“You aren’t- alone- don’t say that. You’re making- making that up, please, don’t say it like that.”

 

“You forgot about me for the entire fucking summer, and you’re coming back just because you found out I tried to kill myself.”

 

“I- No, no, that’s- not right. Well- not entirely. I’m here because of- that, yeah, but… I gave you letters, I mailed- I mailed you one before school, and- I never wanted to stop talking to you, Connor, I _didn’t_.” His voice isn’t cooperating with him, and he’s too aware of it as he feels his face flushing. Talking to Connor is supposed to be easy- he’s his best friend, and just because he’s in the hospital, it doesn’t mean that he’s any different. If anything, he needs him there now more than ever.

 

“I didn’t read them.”

 

“... Oh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been waiting forever to post this chapter. Have fun. Also I'm more than excited to post the next one so. :>
> 
> P.S. [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/160116979172/reinvention-chapter-4) link!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan Hansen is a mess and doesn't know how to fix things. Enter Jared Kleinman, who isn't helping as much as he thinks he is.

They were in the hospital waiting room. At least, that’s what he can remember. He was cradling his arm to his chest and trying to stop crying while Connor cracked jokes beside him, gently nudging his shoulder and laughing. Every time Evan moved his arm, it _hurt_ , and Connor kept putting his arm around his shoulders to try and get him to sit still. He made some offhanded comment about staying still for once, but Evan didn't laugh- he just sniffled and smiled at him crookedly, and thanked him for being there.

 

Connor had told him that he always would be.

 

It took another twenty minutes before a doctor had even called him in, and it was a good thing that it didn't take much longer, because there was no doubt in his mind that he would've had another breakdown sitting in the waiting room.

 

When they were told that Evan's arm was broken and that he'd need a cast, Connor didn't let it go for the rest of the day.

 

“Next time you wanna pull me into a damn trust exercise,” he'd said to him, “make sure I'm paying attention to you first, dumbass.”

 

He'd made a promise to sign his cast the next day when Evan's mom had come to pick him up, but that didn't come, because Evan wound up just locking himself in his room and sleeping for the day.

 

And the next day. And the next week. And now.

 

He doesn't know why he made the decision to leave the hospital and actually walk home, but he did, and now he’s turned on his side and hoping to whatever’s out there that Connor doesn't take his leaving as a personal blow.

 

He'd apologized, more than once, and when he'd pushed out of the door only for Zoe to try to stop him, he kept moving, saying that he had to get to school. Get home, was more like it. Get _away_. He'd never been this scared of something in his life, and it's all because he doesn't want to be alone again, but that’s what he’s doing in running, and he knows it. All he ever does is run.

 

God, he needs to make it up to him.

 

Whatever he could have thought about is gone when he hears his phone buzz, and there's a chill that goes up his spine when he picks it up and it's a text from Jared _._ Had school ended already?

 

_“dude where were you today”_

 

_“Visiting Connor.”_

 

_“oh shit dude you actually went to see your damn freak of a boyfriend huh”_

 

_“He's not a freak! And he's not my boyfriend. Jared, come on.”_

 

_“alana wouldnt get off my back she kept asking where you were because news is already out about connor”_

 

_“people actually think hes dead because no one else sees him anyway so i think she thought you mustve kicked the bucket too probably”_

 

_“lmao shes still going off about how suicide is a big fucking problem in the youth of america or whatever shes so full of shit”_

 

Every message that he's getting makes his heart sink, because it feels like Jared’s considering the whole thing to be some sort of joke, and Evan’s sure that’s what’s bothering him the most when he finally bucks up enough to respond.

 

_“He didn’t deserve this, Jared. He tried to kill himself, it’s not funny. It’s not a joke. Stop making it one.”_

 

There’s a delay before he gets a response, but by now he’s sitting up in his bed and looking out his window, chewing at his lip anxiously. The sun isn’t as bright as he needs it to be, and he thinks it’s just grey outside, but how can he be sure when all he’s doing is looking out.

 

_“i know its not a joke but you really dont seem like youre doing too great yourself”_

 

_“since when does evan hansen skip out of school for the day”_

 

Tucking his phone back into the pocket of his jeans, Evan’s first thought is that Jared’s right- which is never good, because Jared shouldn’t be right. As soon as he’s looking back out the window, however, he manages to drag himself out of his self-pitying thoughts.

 

He wonders if Zoe’s gone back home yet, and if Connor’s alone- really alone, without Evan, or his mom, or anyone, and it has Evan reeling enough that he has to go for his backpack and find something to busy himself with. Homework isn’t the most exciting thing to do, but it’s better than nothing.

 

Even after that, it’s not until ten o’ clock that night, after he’s curled into his bed, that he realizes what he can do to try and make it up to Connor. It takes him longer than he’d like to admit to rummage around in the bathroom closet for his mother’s nail polish before he comes up with a bottle of jet black, thumb smoothing over the surface of it before he brings it back to his room and tucks it away into a smaller pocket of his backpack.

 

Whether it’ll matter in the long run isn’t even a thought in his mind as he drifts off to sleep. Instead, he dreams of yellow fields and skies that stretch on for years.

  


\--

  


He’s woken up the next morning by his alarm, and his mother standing in his doorway asking if he’ll be alright to go to school. Evan wants to huff and tell her that it’s a stupid question, but instead, he’s forcing a response as he inches out of his bed and turns his back to the door.

 

“I’ll- be fine,” he informs her, anxious as he goes to put together an outfit before he slips past her and to the bathroom to shower. While he’s blowing his hair dry that morning, he thinks of the bottle of nail polish in his backpack, and he wonders if it’s even a good idea. The decision he makes as he sits down to eat breakfast is that yes, yes it is, because if it can even make Connor smile a _little_ , it’ll be worth it.

 

Evan leaves for school shortly after his mother leaves for work, and the walk feels longer and lonelier than usual- particularly as he passes the Murphy’s house. Whatever smile he’d been keeping in place falters, and there’s an ‘I’m sorry’ stuck there instead, but he continues on, free hand tight around the strap of his backpack. Everything feels loaded as he nears the school, the fact that the next seven hours is going to go by _too_ slowly weighing down on him as he walks into the building.

 

And promptly gets his backpack grabbed.

 

There’s a yelp that comes past his lips before he can stop it, followed by a cackle that isn’t his, and before he can make sense of what’s going on, Jared Kleinman’s craning his neck around and grinning at him.

 

“Well, if it isn’t gay lover boy. What, school’s too important to miss for you to go visit Connor again today?” His arm locks around Evan’s shoulders, practically leaning into his side.

 

“I- Wait, no, that’s-"

  
  
“I was wondering if you’d show up today, even, because the word’s spreading that your bodyguard isn’t around anymore, sooo you might have more than a broken arm to deal with, dude.”

 

Evan ducks out from under Jared’s shoulders and shakes his head. He knows he’s being messed with, and hard, but it doesn’t stop the mottled blush from creeping over his cheeks. “I will not.”

  
  
“Nah,” Jared grins and laughs as he parts from Evan’s side, and Evan’s shoulders hunch back over, gaze breaking to aim back to the floor. “You know I’m messing with you. But really, back in school? How’d everything go there? Must’ve gone alright, right?”

 

“Um- No? Not really. I think- he thinks I hate him, probably. Or he hates me? He thinks. That I, uh, ignored him? Over the summer? Yeah.”

 

The sound that Jared makes is enough to make Evan wince- it’s somewhere between a groan and a sigh, and- yep, Evan feels like an idiot. “Jesus Christ, Evan, don’t be an idiot. _”_ _Got it._ “I doubt he thinks you hate him, he probably just thinks you don’t _care_. So, what did you do? Just walk out?”

 

Evan’s silence is enough of an answer for him to laugh, lips cracking into an open grin. “Holy shit, you _did,_  didn’t you?”

 

“I- told him I was sorry!”

 

“You walked out!”

 

As much as Jared’s laughing, Evan can’t find where or how it’s funny as he pushes past him to enter his homeroom classroom. Putting his bag down by his chair as he takes a seat, he shifts, eyes flickering to the analogue clock hanging on the wall. His view is obstructed as the bell rings, once again by Jared, who just brings a hand down against the desk as if he’s patting it.

 

“Try not to get too down, Evan. Last thing we need is Alana getting you called down to guidance. Plus, he’ll come around.”

 

Evan’s answer is a nod, looking down at his desk. He tells Jared that he knows, but he can’t say for sure that he _does_ know. He can only hope that Connor’s come around by the time he gets back to the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so excited to upload this chapter but then I realized that I numbered them wrong in my doc so the part I'm actually excited to post isn't until next time sorry y'all but I'm excited. Hope you enjoy!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan makes a return to the hospital after school to make everything up to Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/160344983607/reinvention-chapter-6) link!

Just as expected, school passes by slowly- though, realistically, it's no longer than usual, and Evan knows that. But when there's a bottle of black nail polish in one of his pockets and a lingering mess of an apology stuck in the back of his throat, he's not entirely sure how he's supposed to even begin to have a normal conversation with anyone, let alone Connor Murphy.

 

This is the mentality that he's stuck with even as the final bell rings and he's packing his stuff without a word just so he can start over to the hospital. It's a long enough walk as it is, and while he _could_ try to find a ride, he'd rather avoid conversation if he can.

 

So he does.

 

After school gets out, there's another solid thirty minutes as he makes the trek. Connor's voice is practically nagging at the back of his mind to get his license, save up and get a car, do _something_ , but the only thing he needs to do right in this instance is get to the hospital.

 

He's got the number memorized- it's what he spent all of study hall going over and over in his head- so when he approaches the desk and the same bubbly blonde is there, he's ready to talk to her.

 

Well, almost.

 

“Room- 457? For Connor Murphy? I came to visit him.” He shifts, his chest rising and falling with each steadying breath he takes. She seems to remember him- remember the face, or the nervous tilts to his voice- whether it's one or the other he can't be sure. He just knows that within seconds, she's pointing him off in the direction of the hallways, and there's a nurse there to lead him to his best friend.

 

When he finally reaches the room, the nurse knocks twice in a row before opening the door and letting Evan in. He thanks her softly before he shifts in and puts his backpack on the ground by the door. Connor's conscious in bed, looking over to him presumably when he heard the door click open.

 

“Well if it isn't Evan Hansen. Come back with another letter to excuse yourself for not fucking talking to me for the entire summer?”

 

What a way to be greeted. “Um- no, actually? I just… came to visit. Has anyone..?”

 

“Come by? To visit me?” Connor scoffs, rolls his eyes and lets out a bitter laugh. “I don't even know why mom stuck me in this shithole. I'm in here for a reason, it would have been better if they'd just let me-”

 

Evan falls to sit down in the chair, his eyebrows furrowing. “Don't say that.” Way to go, Evan Hansen, taking one for the team.

 

“Well for fuck's sake, your mom told me that you were all nervous and jittery this morning, so where the hell did that come from?”

 

All at once, his expression dips, and then falls completely, and the confused look that replaces it almost brings one of amusement to Connor’s.

 

“My- mom?”

 

“She works here, doesn't she? Keeps bringing me my food and whatever. Checking in on me. She gets this damn sad look on her face every time, though. You kind of get it, too.”

 

Evan goes silent, cheeks tinting pink before he buries his hand into his jean pocket. “I don’t- know what you’re talking about,” he chokes back in response, all the while trying to avoid eye contact. He doesn’t look that sad, does he? “But! That doesn’t even matter! Because- I um… I brought you. Something?”

 

For a fleeting moment, he swears there’s a sparkle in Connor’s eyes- a shimmer of surprise, or something- but he doesn’t say anything. He just stares, and Evan realizes that he’s shaking as he pulls out the little bottle of nail polish and holds it up.

  
  
“Can you- um… Can you give me your hand?” he asked carefully, his gaze averting in embarrassment as he fiddles with the top, unscrewing it and screwing it back on as he holds the little bottle tight in the fingers of his injured arm. “I noticed yesterday that your nails were chipping? And- I was guessing you probably didn’t have any available, so I found some, and-”

 

He’s cut off by the feeling of Connor’s hand pressing into his. “Go ahead,” he muses, and Evan looks up to find that he’s being looked at with the most amused expression, and it makes his stomach flip.

 

“Oh. _Oh_ , I- Okay. Yeah.” Evan can’t interpret the feeling in the pit of his stomach as he brings the brush up and wipes it against the edge of opening before he moves it to carefully apply the first coat to Connor’s thumbnail. He’s paying too much attention to the way that Connor’s fingers twitch against his palm, and then the silence that falls over them, but he decides that it’s worth it. The strokes of black that he’s applying to Connor’s nails are messy, and he’s positive that at least a quarter of it is getting on his cuticles and the skin around his nails, because Evan doesn’t know what he’s doing, but he continues regardless.

 

At least, until Connor speaks up.

 

It’s after he delivers a second coat to each nail, and he realizes he doesn’t know how long he’s been going on with this. He doesn’t know how long he’s been silent, but when Connor clears his throat, he looks up.

 

“You know,” he starts, raising an eyebrow at him. “What I _really_ want is to smoke right now, and you bring me a goddamn bottle of nail polish instead. What kind of friend are you?”

 

Evan feels his face go red before he even registers the words, and he shifts, squeezing his eyes shut. “I-I’m sorry!” he splutters, fingers tightening around the handle of the brush before he screws it back onto the bottle. “I’m- really sorry, I-I thought this would be okay- that maybe you’d- like it? I- just wanted to make it up to you- make _everything_ up to you, and I know this isn’t going to solve everything, but--”

 

He cuts himself off when he hears a soft snort, and a laugh that he hasn’t heard in what seems like years. When he looks up to see that Connor’s _smiling_ at him, he feels his chest tighten almost unbearably. “I’m literally just fucking with you, dude. Don’t tell me you forgot that much about me already.”

 

Evan’s shaking his head hard without being completely conscious of it, and when Connor pulls his hand away at last, Evan realizes just how empty his feels. It’s such a weird thought, but it’s not unwelcome, and he draws in a sharp breath. “I wouldn’t forget you,” he mumbles to him. “Because, you um- matter a lot to me. That’s what I wrote in the letters- the ones you… didn’t read?”

 

“Yeah?” There’s something about the way that Connor’s eyebrow is quirked- the way that it looks like he’s challenging him. That there’s the chance he doesn’t believe him.

 

“Y-Yeah! I- Yeah. You’re my best friend.” His _only_ friend.

 

“We didn't talk for three months.”

 

“I know- I know! I didn't mean to, though- I thought that maybe you- you wouldn't have wanted to talk to me after the- arm thing? And then I thought you were mad at me, so- so I didn't…”

 

The sardonic note in his voice is anything but comforting. “Holy shit, are you serious?”

 

“Yes!” Evan's head ducks down, shoulders hunching over as he points his attention into his lap. “I know that- I really made one hell of a mess, and, um, I- I-” It doesn't click that there are tears rolling down his cheeks until they're falling into his lap and making spots against his cast. “...I really- missed you? A lot- so when I saw the- ambulance and…”

 

There's heat rushing up into his face by now, his leg shaking anxiously as he curls his fingers hard into fists. His gaze is pointed down if for no other reason than to avoid the disappointment that he's positive is laden in Connor's face, because he's _terrified_. These are things to say in letters. In emails, or in some form of writing, but not here. Not like this, and certainly not sitting in the middle of a hospital room.

 

Amidst the thoughts, he hasn't even realized that Connor's hand is cupped around his face, and his thumb is running over his cheek as if to brush away the tears there. As soon as he notices it, his breath hitches, and his gaze lifts almost immediately. The eye contact that he makes with Connor is anything but expected, and it dawns on him quickly that he must be thinking the same thing, because there’s not a moment of hesitation before Connor’s hand drops from his face and he looks away.

 

“Knock that off,” Connor scolds him, and Evan’s hands immediately fall to the hem of his shirt, tugging at it before he wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater. “Honestly, Hansen, you’re getting yourself all worked up over nothing. I’m not fucking _gone_ , am I? I’m still stuck here, and clearly you’re happy about that. Which is fucking great, but I don’t really get it. I’m the mess here, Evan.” He swears that there’s a catch in his voice, and Evan’s gaze once again drifts off and down to his hand.

 

He wonders how hard Connor would hit him in the shoulder if he took it right now, but the hand isn’t what he goes for. Instead, he leans up and over, his broken arm hooking behind his back before he locks his other around his shoulders. The way that he feels Connor go still is almost disconcerting, but within a moment, he feels him relax, and a palm comes up against his back.

  
The one thing that Evan can’t figure out is just how long they’ve both needed this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, here it finally is. I am Living.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan eats lunch with the crew, and gets wind of some particularly great news. Shenanigans ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/160438189972/reinvention-chapter-7) link!

The visits continue for a little over a week. Every day after school, he winds up walking himself to the hospital, as though it's automatic. Once or twice, he's been offered a ride by the Murphys, and both times it was Zoe who asked. She had approached him in the hall while he was at his locker with an armful of books and asked him if he was visiting that day. As much as he found the offer tempting, it only took once for him to decide that he liked visiting him alone better. At least when they were alone, there wasn't yelling, or tension. It was just him and Connor, and he was getting  _ better _ . 

 

By the following Wednesday, Evan's more than excited for him to get out, and on Thursday, his foot is tapping under the cafeteria table while he waits for Jared to come back from the lunch line. Anyone to walk by would probably just assume him to be daydreaming by the way that he's pushing his beans around with the provided plastic spoon, but he's not. Rather, he's trying to ignore how much he wishes Connor were sitting beside him. 

 

That concentration is broken by the clatter of plastic against the table, and a body slamming into his side. Pressing his spoon to the table, he turns sharply to look at his  _ family  _ friend. 

 

“Christ, wanna sit down any harder?”

 

Jared's response is a sharp laugh, loud and hard as he lifts his hotdog to take a bite. “I can, if you want me to,” he claims around a mouthful of food. “I'll make sure I don't break your other arm, though. That'd suck ass.”

 

Before he can respond, Alana’s slipping onto the bench across from them, placing her tray down and adjusting her glasses. “Jared, leave him alone. You're being a bully. Did you not pay any attention during the assembly?” There's a roll of her eyes before her attention is pointed back to Evan, and she smiles. “How's your day been? I've been running around the whole school this morning trying to get things together for the student council and all, you know? God, it's been  _ exhausting _ .” She sounds exasperated as she takes a bite of her sandwich, and she pushes her glasses up again. 

 

It's almost strange to Evan the way that the three of them get along- he's almost positive that Alana’s just there to fill some sort of community service credit, and he knows that Jared's practically his friend by force. The only actual friend he has isn't here. 

 

Before Evan can respond, he sees someone else slip over, sinking into the bench beside Alana before putting her bagged lunch down and pushing her hair back. 

 

“Well look what the cat dragged in!” Jared leans forward, clapping Evan on the back before he perches his chin against his open palm, looking at Zoe carefully. “If it isn't Zoe Murphy. How's your brother doing? Getting rest?” 

 

The look on Evan's face practically falls at that, though he straightens up at the clap, feeling the sharp tingles spread up and down his spine. “ _ Hey…” _

 

_ “ _ Connor's fine.” Zoe offers a smile to Evan before she looks at the other two, and suddenly the table feels smaller than it is. They all feel closer than they are, and Evan's face goes pink. 

 

Alana’s face, however, lights up. “Oh, that's fantastic news! I'm so glad to hear that one of my… _closest_ acquaintances is doing well. I would be absolutely devastated if-”

 

“ _ Any _ way, listen, Zoe, we all know what the real question here is. Evan's been dying to ask it but I don't think he knows how to talk to anyone, let alone girls who he-”

 

Evan promptly chokes on a mouthful of beans. “ _ Jared _ .”

 

He's ignored. “Girls who he's totally into, you know?” Oh, jeez. 

 

“That's not- that's not true! I don't like her!”

 

It's Alana to speak up next, leaving Zoe with a spoonful of soup halfway to her mouth and looking confused. “You  _ what?  _ Evan, be nice to her, you're kind of being a  _ dick _ .”

 

“No!! It's- not like that, I didn't- um- I didn't mean it like that! I mean I don't-  _ like her,  _ like her. Not any-”

 

“Anymore? Dude, we all know that you were-”

 

“ _ Stop _ it! Come on, this isn't- funny!” He's positive that his face is redder than ever, and he wants to shrink away, but then Zoe’s hand is on his arm and she's smiling. 

 

“It's fine. Don't worry about it, Evan, you're fine.” As soon as her hand comes away, it feels like there's no one else there. As if they're sitting in the hospital waiting room. 

 

He's broken from the trance by Jared faking a gag, and Alana promptly reaching across the table to push his tray. “You're disgusting. But, yeah. So when's the asshole coming home? I bet we could all throw him a surprise party. Get the whole damn cafeteria in on it at lunch time. Wouldn't that be one hell of a way to come back?”

 

“I actually came to talk to Evan about that,” is Zoe’s response, and Evan falls quiet. 

 

“Um- me?”

 

She nods, not looking up as she further unpacks her lunch. “Mom and dad say he's being released tonight. They wanted me to let you know? They said that maybe you could come along. If you wanted to, that is.” As if it's nothing, Zoe shrugs, taking another spoonful of soup up from her thermos. 

 

“Tonight?” His throat feels dry as he speaks, and he reaches for the carton of milk on his tray to open it and take a sip before he actually chokes. ‘Tonight’ is close- it's closer than another week, like they've been so sure that it would take. It's a few hours, and Evan finds himself stuck on thoughts of sitting by Connor's bedside and rattling off how school's been until the nurses come in to tell him that visiting hours are over. 

 

“Holy fuck, Evan, you hear that?” He does. Of course he does. It's the only thing he hears, really, but Jared continues on regardless. “Dude, just a couple more hours and you'll be reunited with-”

 

“-Connor’s coming back?” Alana’s craning her neck around, her gaze pointing right directly at Zoe. “That really is wonderful!” She’s being too over the top, Evan realizes, and it’s obvious in the way that Zoe looks down and away. It’s in the way that she claimed that he was one of her ‘closest acquaintances’, when he knows completely well that she's not. When he knows that she couldn't care less if he'd really died or not. “Maybe we should do something- we can tell the school, and set up an assembly, or-”

 

Although it’s already taken a solid minute, Evan finally clears his throat, his eyes trained on his lunch tray. “I- um. I don’t think he’d-  _ want _ that, really?” There’s an uncomfortable look on his face as he talks, as if he’s stepping out of place, and no one wants to hear it. 

 

Judging by the eyes on him, however, he finds that he’s wrong, and there’s a smile playing on Jared’s lips.

 

“Hey, man, if you think you know what your boyfriend would like best, who are we to stop you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's kind of a short little chapter, but it was so fun to write them all interacting. The Lunch Squad™. 
> 
> P.S. "Evan promptly chokes on a mouthful of beans." is the best line that I've ever written in my entire eighteen years of living.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan joins the Murphys in going to pick Connor up from the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/160546023782/reinvention-chapter-8) link!

Evan spends the rest of the school day trying to convince Jared that he is not dating Connor Murphy.

 

It's to no avail. 

 

By the time that he's sitting down on one of the benches outside waiting for the Murphys to pick him up with Zoe, Jared's practically hanging over the back of the bench and whining. 

 

“Dude, come on just fess up.”

 

“There's nothing to fess up about, Jared.”

 

Jared groans again- it's loud and annoyed, and there's something about it that makes Zoe visibly uncomfortable. Maybe, Evan deduces, it's on account of the fact that her brother is being made the focus of a joke that she's absolutely lost on. Or it's the fact that she just doesn't care. At some point or another, she's pulled her leg up to cross over her lap, and she's pulled out a black sharpie to begin printing stars into the cuffs of her jeans, over and over again in even strokes. 

 

Evan Hansen cannot shake the nervousness that's reached up and into his mind, and he's not even positive how he could if he tried. Within a moment’s time, he's too aware of everything going on around him. Every car that passes by that  _ could _ be the Murphys, every bird that chirps, and every single noise that leaves Jared Kleinman’s mouth. 

 

The kid really needs to learn when to be quiet. 

 

But these are all things that remain left unsaid as Evan sits with his chin resting in his palm, and then shifting to a better position in order to rub at the cast on his arm. There  _ is _ nothing to fess up about, he reassures himself as his foot starts tapping against the concrete beneath the bench. There is absolutely nothing to fess up about, and there's no reason for him to be stressing out this much over something so trivial, because either way, it's not Jared's business. 

 

He has to keep repeating that to himself until he sees the Murphys pull up with a half a dozen balloons obscuring the view through the passenger seat window. 

 

Zoe’s the first one to stand up, leaving Evan focusing on the balloons for a bit longer than he would like to admit before he's stirred out of his thoughts by his best family friend. 

 

“Good luck, Evan. Don't forget to give him a kiss.” Upon turning, he finds Jared making a kissy face towards him, and Evan's chest tightens uncomfortably before he stands up and gets into the back of the van, with Zoe on his left. The comment has him reeling, and he wishes more than anything that he could deny the fact that it's a thought he's had before, and how he feels like it would be infinitely better if it were Connor beside him. Instead, he finds it easier to just shut up and stay quiet, and that's how he stays during the entire ride to the hospital. 

 

Even though he's quiet, the Murphys are anything but. Mrs. Murphy keeps insisting that Evan tell her how his day is, which would be an easy enough question if the answer wasn't that he can't stop thinking about Connor. It takes her asking three times before he finally caves and he finally mumbles that it was alright. Zoe’s answer is shorter, but it says a lot more. 

 

“Long.”

 

He spares a glance in her direction after she answers before he presses his lips together and stares out the window. Mrs. Murphy asks her husband for the third time in a minute to turn the radio up, and his mumbled response is barely audible as he does. Other than that, however, it's the sound of helium balloons clunking dully against the roof of the car until they pull into the parking lot. 

 

Mrs. Murphy is practically pulling the door open before they're even parked, seeming to ignore her husband's grumbles as she wrestles the balloons out of the car. As he follows Zoe promptly out of the car, he can't help but wonder why she's taking them out if they're just going to go back in, but he swallows the words before they make it past his lips. He also thinks of just how bright they are- how the yellow letters of the huge  _ “Welcome Home!” _  one are going to look out of place next to Connor's dark hair and his black nails and his eyes. 

 

He's so caught up in his thoughts that he doesn't realize when Zoe is starting off, taking his wrist and trying to coax him forward into the hospital. 

  
  


\--

  
  


Upon making their entrance, all eyes are on the bouncing Cynthia Murphy. Her smile is too wide as she parades her family (and Evan) to the front desk, explaining that her son is supposed to be discharged today. After taking the name, the woman nods and waves them off to the waiting room. It's hard for Evan to focus on anything as he takes a seat, but his eyes train on his cast. 

 

He thinks there are probably a million eyes on him and the Murphys, because after a solid minute of Mrs. Murphy rattling off things that she's going to try to do with Connor, Zoe takes her wrist. 

 

“With the way you're talking, people are going to think you're taking home a newborn, mom.”

 

“Oh, but we kind of are! Your brother's going to feel so much better now- He knows he can talk to us whenever, and I finally feel like I have my  _ son _ back.” Her words are hushed and excited, as if she's trying to keep a secret, and it gives Evan a sour taste in his mouth, because that's not how Connor is. 

 

Connor, he knows, absolutely hates it here, and he hates the fact that he's been stuck here for a week instead of being stuck in the ground. 

 

The thought makes his head spin, but after raking his fingers back through his hair and drawing in a stabilizing breath, he manages to not become a complete and utter mess in the middle of the hospital. However, the intake of breath clearly caught Zoe’s attention, because before he can move on from it, her hand is on his shoulder. 

 

“Are you alright?”

 

“Huh? What? Yeah.  _ Yeah _ , of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be? It’s not like we’re here for a bad reason or anything, this totally isn’t a bad reason, and I’m actually really happy that Connor’s- that your- um. Brother. That he’s going to be let out? Because that’s- cool. It’s really cool.”

 

“You’re rambling.” Evan thinks there’s a smile on her face, as if she’s amused, but it doesn’t stop his face from getting red.

 

“I-I’m sorry.”

 

“You don’t need to apologize. It’s fine. I’m-- they’re happy, too.” There’s a glance towards her parents before she’s looking at Evan again, but when Evan opens his mouth to respond, he’s cut off by a shriek. Both of their heads turn sharply in the direction of Mrs. Murphy, who is jolting out of her seat and bringing both of her hands to her cover her face. The balloons bob up beside her, remaining looped around her wrist even as she rushes forward, and it isn’t under Evan follows her with his eyes that he understands why she’s screaming.

 

It’s because Connor’s standing there, looking apathetic as he picks at the hospital bracelet around his wrist. When he looks up, however, it’s only to be met with his mother coming at him full force, and Evan’s positive that he sees him actually stumble a bit.

 

“Jesus  _ fucking _ Christ, calm down,” Connor seethes, his eyes narrowing as he tenses underneath his mother’s grip, and stepping back firmly when she doesn’t do what he wants. “ _ Calm down _ ,” he repeats, shooting a glance up to the balloons, and then over to the remainder of his welcoming party sitting down.

 

Looking directly at Evan, who’s frozen in his seat with something of a giddy smile on his lips. He stands after a moment, immediately going forward to approach his friend, and subsequently tripping over his own feet. There’s a flash of fear on his face, terrified that he’s about to eat rug, until there’s a hand around his arm tugging him up and steadying him.

 

“Watch it, dumbass, the last thing you need is to break your other god damn arm, too.” Oh my god.

 

“Oh, I- um. I uh-” Evan takes a step back, straightening himself out before he wipes his hand against his pants. “I’m- sorry, I didn’t mean to…” He trails off, chewing at his lip. “It’s- I’m glad to see you? You know, up, and. Walking, and… Stuff.”

 

“Linguistic genius, Hansen.” 

 

Trying to ignore just how flustered he’s gotten in the last thirty seconds, Evan’s attention points to the ground, his wrist practically tingling where Connor had grabbed it. Of course he’d go ahead and make an idiot of himself right off the bat. 

 

Connor, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to be taken off guard by it in the least, and Evan is made aware of it when his arm locks around Evan’s shoulder and he brings the other fist down into his hair, tussling it up. It's such an easy-going gesture, and it makes Evan want to do nothing more but to move closer, to get that extra level of reassurance that Connor Murphy is  _ real _ and standing right beside him, but he doesn't. He can't. 

 

He's so preoccupied that he doesn't see his own mother out of the corner of his eyes as Connor pulls back. Instead, he notices the bandages still around Connor's forearms, and the way that his face looks particularly thinner, and how dark the circles under his eyes have gotten. There's a moment where he's ready to speak up, but before he can, someone else already is. 

 

“--Yep! Just sign the papers at the front desks, and then you should be all set. I'm glad that he's doing better, and-”

 

“Mom?” 

 

Evan looks up from his spot, with Connor's arm still locked around his shoulders and red still spread over his cheeks, and locks eyes with his mother. She smiles at him, too soft and too sweet, because he's almost positive there was a flash of confusion there before it. 

 

“Hi, honey. It's nice to see you- and Connor. Gosh, it's wonderful that you two are friends- it's always nice to-”

 

Connor's arm drops then, shoving his hands into his pockets, and Ms. Hansen smiles before glancing at Evan and then back to the Murphys.

 

“Sorry, um-” Clearing her throat, she unclips a few papers from her clipboard, offering them forward to Mr. Murphy. 

 

“...So, you took care of him?” Mrs. Murphy looks like she's going to start crying again as she speaks, but she doesn't. Instead, she just sniffles, smiling at Ms. Hansen before she grins. “Thank you so much for looking over our son- Evan's been such a wonderful friend to him, and… Oh, dear, look at me.” She laughs before she pats at her eyes with her sleeves, sniffling. “Just- thank you for taking so much care of him.”

 

Ms. Hansen looks confused for a moment before she laughs, and hand raising to the back of her neck. “Ohh, it's not a problem, but really, I didn't do- much. I'm just an-”

 

“It doesn't matter. You were there for him, so  _ thank you _ .”

 

Casting a glance to Evan and Connor, Ms. Hansen smiles before she takes a step back. “You're welcome,” she murmurs after a moment. “But I really should get back to work... Evan, I'll see you at home, sweetie. Have a good day.” She smiles a bit sadly before offering up a hand in a wave and disappearing back down the hall with a clipboard under her arm, and it's then that Connor steps closer in order to speak up. 

 

“See? What did I tell you. She gets that sad look every single time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on out, things get pretty gay. Buckle yourself in, kids, you're in for a bumpy ride. A slow, bumpy ride.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After returning home, Evan gets a surprise visit at midnight, and he's led to pay a visit to the orchard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/160661182782/reinvention-chapter-9) link!

Leaving the hospital takes longer than either Evan or Connor want it to, and it's mostly at Mrs. Murphy's blame. She won't stop fussing over her son, taking his face in hers and pressing sloppy kisses against his cheeks, calling him her ‘baby’ and treating him just like that. 

 

It's driving Connor insane, and Evan can tell. 

 

He can't help but think about all of the times that he walked in after school to find Mrs. Murphy sitting at his bedside crying while he screamed that she should've let him die, she should've walked away, she should've kept on not caring like she always did. She'd always brush past Evan before he was left alone with Connor, who would just smile and laugh and make some comment about how they think they care just because he's in the hospital.  

 

By the time that they're finally out, Mrs. Murphy is handing the balloons to Connor all at once, and his immediate response is to open his hand and let them all go. Evan follows them up with his eyes until they're unrecognizable black specks against the blue sky, and listens carefully as Connor turns to his mother, shrugs, and  _ grins _ . 

 

“Oops.”

 

It's in the way that he turns that Evan knows it was on purpose, as if it weren't clear to him already, but he can't help but want to laugh. He doesn't, but judging by the way that Connor looks at him, he thinks that he knows. 

 

As they pile into the car, it's Evan who winds up in the middle seat- in a ‘Murphy Sandwich’, as Mr. Murphy so lovingly calls it. The nickname earns an eye roll from both of the Murphy kids, and a pity laugh from Evan, who finds himself more on edge than he would have imagined. 

 

Despite the car ride being relatively short, Evan almost starts dozing off as soon as the sun starts setting. He's made aware of this when his head is rolling off to the side, and there's an elbow nudging sharp into his ribs. When he straightens up and turns to the offending gesture, he realizes that Connor's staring at him, and his cheeks flush. 

 

“We're almost at your house,” he mumbles, letting his arm relax once again when he seems satisfied with the fact that Evan's conscious enough. Evan answers with a nod, his hand coming up to rub the sleep from his eyes before he covers a yawn. The day feels longer than it has been, if for no other reason but the fact that Connor's coming home, and even when they pull into his driveway, he can't wipe the smile off of his face. 

 

He gets out of the car after Connor lets him out, and before he can turn away, he feels him grab his wrist. There's a sinking feeling in Evan's chest when he turns, but upon hearing the words that leave his friend's mouth, it's replaced with a familiar tightness.

 

“I'll see you around.”

 

Evan nods hard, smiling nervously before he adjusts his backpack. “Y-Yeah! I'll- see you soon,” he agrees, and before long, he finds himself waving at an empty driveway. 

  
  


\--

  
  


That night comes faster than Evan expected it to, although he settles on it being because of the fact that he took a nap as soon as he actually ate something. He had been leaning against his backpack on the living room couch with the full intention of getting his homework done, but judging by the fact that he opens his eyes to find that the clock under the TV is blinking “11:58” at him, it's made clear that it's not going to happen.

 

Especially as he hears one loud, continuous  _ honk _ coming from his driveway. 

 

Evan practically jumps upon hearing it, a hand raising to hastily wipe the trail of drool off of his cheek before he shoves his backpack to the side, teeth worrying at his lower lip as he stumbles over the door to look through the window. What he's not expecting is to see Connor Murphy's car sitting in the spot where his mother's car  _ should _ be, and he doesn't even completely realize that he's turning the knob and standing on the front porch until the cold of the wood is stinging his feet through his socks, and he can hear the music coming from the car. 

 

“Oh my god.” Toes curling against the porch, he hops back inside to grab his sneakers, pulling them on before he tugs the door shut behind him, eyebrows furrowing. As he gets closer to the car, the window rolls down, and the music only gets that much louder until Connor finally reaches to turn it down. “What are- what are you doing? It's midnight, Connor, we-”

 

“You wanna shut up and get in the car for me, Hansen?” His voice has a certain bite to it as he speaks, and it makes Evan pause before he reaches for the door handle to get into the car. “Great.” When Evan finally tugs the door shut, Connor rolls the window back up, and it isn’t until then that Evan brings himself to speak again.

 

“...What are you  _ doing _ here?”

 

“They won’t stop coddling me,” is the answer he gets, and he watches Connor’s grip tighten around the wheel. “It’s a pain in the ass, and I can’t fucking stand it. So I’m going for a drive.”

 

Instinctively, Evan reaches for the seatbelt and locks himself in, looking at Connor through the dimly light car for another moment. “...Are you- um. Allowed to even leave? I don’t want you to get in- trouble or anything, and-”

 

Connor laughs at that, putting the car in reverse and pulling sharply out of the driveway. “Dumbass,” he mumbles. “I think they’d let me get away with anything right now, as long as I’m not putting a damper on their mood by telling them how much I want to be out of here.”

 

Evan doesn’t ask for clarification there- he doesn’t  _ need _ to. He just needs to put this together in his mind, because he just woke up, and there’s something in the back of his mind telling him that he’s dreaming when Connor asks him if he wants to go to the orchard.

 

“I’m- sorry?” 

 

“The orchard. I’m driving to the orchard, and you’re coming with me.” 

 

“Oh. I- um... Are you sure?”

 

The look that Connor tosses in his direction makes him go silent, and his gaze falls to his lap as they drive in silence to the apple orchard, Evan all the while wondering just why Connor would have wanted him to come along for this.

  
  


\--

  
  


When they finally arrive, Connor shuts off his car without another word, opening the console and pulling out a sandwich bag. Evan doesn’t even need to ask what it is anymore, but it doesn’t stop the sentence that squeaks out past his lips. 

 

“Is- that weed?”

 

Connor’s eyes flicker over to him before he just grins and shakes it between the two of them. “Gee, Evan, I don’t fucking know. Is it?” He laughs after that, opening his door and slipping out. Of course, Evan’s fast to follow him out, practically tripping over gravel as he follows behind him, fidgeting with the hem of his sleeve. 

 

“I- um. I don’t know if this is- a great idea, Connor, because- if we get  _ caught _ , that would be- be really bad, and-” 

 

Connor stops in his tracks, turning on Evan and carefully grabbing hold of the cuff of his sweater. “We aren’t going to,” he reassures him in just about the most unbelievable way possible before he begins to tug him after him. “I’ve been waiting a week and a half to get high, so I’m going to get high. Whether or not you want to with me is up to you, straightedge, but I’m getting fucked up.”

 

“ _ Connor _ -” Evan starts, but he’s cut off by the feeling of Connor’s fingers tightening around the fabric of his sweater. Instead, he musters up an ‘okay’, his gaze falling as he follows his friend through the field led by nothing but the moonlight above them.

 

It takes them probably five minutes before Connor finally decides on a tree, and Evan’s about to ask him what he’s doing before Connor presses his back against it and slides down, glancing expectantly towards him and pulling a lighter out of his pocket. 

 

“Well?” he muses, pulling his knees to his chest. “Are you going to sit down or what? I’d suggest we try to climb, but I’m not sure you know how to get down without hurting yourself, and I really don’t want to have to go back to the hospital again for a damn while.”

 

“...I wouldn’t fall.” 

  
  
“Yeah, well, your track record says otherwise, buddy.” Once Evan sinks down beside him, Connor sighs and lights one of the joints from his bag, bringing it up to his lips to take a hit. It’s then that he finally offers it over to Evan, who feels his stomach sink, and he shakes his head.

 

“Oh, um- No, thanks.”

 

“Suit yourself,” he mumbles, an arm moving to rest against his knees as he leans forward against himself. The silence returns, awkward and heavy, broken only by the sounds of crickets somewhere in the night, and not for the first time in his life, Evan Hansen feels helpless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, no, the adventure doesn't continue until Chapter 10?? Ohhhh no....,,,,, Sorry, guys, but it'll be worth it I Swear. I just. Had to break it up, I had to.
> 
> P.S. Holy heck I got. A fanart? And I'm crying. Here I'm boosting this [ look at it](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/160691079837/memingerss-this-is-inspired-by-a-really-nice-deh),,,


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor spend some quality time at the orchard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/160763679397/reinvention-chapter-10) link!

After ten minutes, Connor’s head is tipped back against the trunk behind him with his eyes closed, and Evan’s eyes are locked on him. The silence has been filled by only the occasional deep breath, or cough, and by this point, it would feel like too much responsibility to break it. So Evan remains as he is, watching his friend in the night, and unable to stop thinking about how many moments they could have had like this if he hadn’t gone and ignored him over the entirety of summer break.

 

Maybe ignored is the wrong word. He draws in a shaky, uneven breath before he straightens up and opens his mouth to actually speak, but it's made clear that Connor had the same idea when he beats him to it. 

 

“You know,” he starts, bringing the joint up once again. It's almost gone by this point, and Evan wonders if he's going to actually light another one. He doesn't, at least not right away, and instead he snubs the wasted one against the trunk of the tree before letting it fall into the dirt. Evan's nose wrinkles up. “This orchard is pretty nice at night. We should do this more often.”

 

“Uh- this?”

 

“Yep. I'll pick you up at midnight, like, every Thursday night, and we can come have a blast here. So long as you don't go and fucking hurt yourself over it, or fall asleep. Because I don't think I could carry you back.” Connor's talking a lot more than he's heard him talk in the last week and a half, and it dawns on him that it's probably just because he's high, but he doesn't try to argue it. 

 

“Um- I mean. If you really want to? That might be… cool. To do together.” He shifts, his hand coming up to run through his hair once again. “Since we're- friends and all. Right?”

 

“Yeah. We're friends.” There's a hesitation in Connor's voice that puts Evan on edge, and he looks away when he speaks before he turns to look at him again. “Oh. I should probably tell you I read those fucking letters you sent me before I was in the hospital, huh?”

 

Evan goes still. 

 

“I found them on my desk at home, so I read them. You're kind of, like, a fucking huge dork, you know. Since when do you even handwrite those? You always email them to me.”

 

“...Um. I guess I just- thought that maybe I should- uh. Mix things… up? Because- because emails are nice, but it's really easy to ignore them and if you didn't want to talk to me then you just couldn't and I wouldn't know if you'd gotten then or not, and then-” He's talking too fast, and he can feel it in the way that his throat is tightening as he runs out of breath. Before he can continue, however, Connor cuts him off. 

 

“Evan, calm the fuck down before you put yourself in cardiac arrest.” He lights another joint, going silent as he takes another hit. “I didn't hate you, though. You seriously thought I hated you, didn't you.”

 

He's not ready for this conversation. “Um- I. Yes? Kinda. I mean, you- we didn't talk for a while? And then you didn't… Read my first letter, so. It was like you were ignoring… me.”

 

“ _ You _ ignored  _ me _ for three months.”

 

“Y-You never sent me anything! I- was just… I was, um- In my room for the whole summer? Because. I didn't feel… um. I wasn't… Doing well?” The avoidance in his choice of words is too clear to him, and he knows that Connor catches onto it because he's laughing and taking another hit before he turns to him completely. 

 

“What do you mean, you weren't doing well? You're allowed to feel like shit and still talk to me. I do it all the damn time. Hell, I don't know if there's ever a time when I'm talking to you and I don't want to die.” Evan winces, and he thinks there's a flash across Connor's face that makes it obvious that he knows that was worded wrong. “...Not because I'm talking to you. Just because I do. Want to die, I mean.”

 

“...Do you want to right now?”

 

Connor's concentration seems to break at that, and Evan watches as he shrinks back into himself. “Not really, no. Isn't that fucking weird? I kind of missed just hanging out with you in someplace that isn't a damn hospital room. Who would've guessed, huh?”

 

Evan manages some sort of airy chuckle at that before he looks down, swallowing hard. “So- um. Since we're. We're  _ here,  _ and we're talking and all- I. Uh.” He pauses, drawing in a deep breath. “Why'd you do it?”

 

All at once, the silence feels like too much, and Evan knows that he's said the wrong thing. Every feeling of doubt that he'd had up to this point felt like it was falling on his shoulders, crushing him, and he didn't know how to make it stop. “I'm- sorry! I'm sorry, that's- I shouldn’t have asked that, I'm really sorry, um-” His voice catches and breaks, and he feels almost like he did when he was falling from the tree, because he's grasping for  _ something,  _ and he can't find anything. Connor just takes another hit, and he speaks as if nothing’s getting to him.

 

“They kept asking me that. The first day I was in there, I mean. And it was mostly mom. I just kind of told her that I was sick of it.” He pauses. “And I was. I am, kind of. My family's shit, my parents are constantly fighting, I can't do  _ anything _ right, my best friend wasn't talking to me for fuck knows why, and I was just fucking sick of it. So I locked myself in the bathroom, and-”

 

“ _ Wait _ , don't-” 

 

Before he's completely aware of what he's doing, Evan finds one hand up and on Connor's arm, and they both fall silent. Connor doesn't budge. He just stares at Evan's hand before his gaze raises, and Evan's fingers tighten around the bandages unconsciously.

 

“What are you talking about? I'm not doing anything now, am I? Christ, Hansen, you make it seem like like I'm going to try it again.” 

 

“...Promise me you won't?” Evan feels like he can hardly breathe, his gaze falling to the ground beneath them. “Because- you're my- um. You're my best friend? And I don't know if- I don't know how I could… You said you'd always be there to- catch me. So. I- All I can do is say the same to you, I think? Because I really- don't. Want to lose you. At all.” His voice only gets quieter the more he speaks, until it's a whisper, as if there's someone else around that's going to hear him.  But all there is is Connor, whose silence is starting to get uncomfortable, but before Evan can question it, he looks up and sees him looking away. 

 

And then he hears him sniffle.  _ Oh.  _ “Connor?”

 

Almost immediately, Evan watches as he tugs his arm away in order to wipe at his eyes, and then he laughs. “You're ridiculous,” he mumbles, tugging his knees closer to his chest. “You hear yourself when you talk, right?” The sinking feeling is back, and he's ready for some sort of insult, some way to hammer in the fact that there's a reason he doesn't have any other friends, but it doesn't come. The conversation takes a turn that he isn't expecting, really, because then Connor's turned to him completely and the joint is burnt out by his side. “You aren't going to lose me. How stupid can you be?”

 

He'll take that. Evan can take that, and he responds with a hard nod before he takes the moment as an opportunity to scoot closer, not seeming to care much when his knee meets with Connor's. He's completely ready for it to end there, for them to stay still and sit in silence for another half an hour before Connor decides to go back, but then there's an arm around his shoulders, and Evan is being pulled into Connor's side. Blinking, he turns just enough to lock his casted arm around Connor's back, ignoring the tightness in his throat in order to focus on this. In order to focus on the fact that his face is pressing into Connor's shoulder, and he can feel fingers curling in the material of his own shirt. 

 

Everything about this feels strange, but none of it feels bad. Sure, he's all too aware of just how badly Connor smells of weed, and he's sure that he'll have to stand in the shower for at least a half an hour before he feels like it's off of him, but he doesn't hate this. He likes it. It clicks in his mind that he  _ likes _ spending time with Connor Murphy more than anything in the world, and it has his head spinning as he moves closer, because everything starts making sense at once.

 

He likes Connor Murphy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:3c
> 
> Not written in the summary: It gets Gay.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan tries his best to simultaneously cope with and ignore his realization, and things don't go particularly well. After all, why would they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/160875938782/reinvention-chapter-11) link!

The thought, just as so many others typically do, goes unsaid.

 

In fact, a lot of things go unsaid for the rest of the night. Connor had pulled away from the contact presumably once he'd realized what he was doing, and when the time rolled around that he was sobered up enough, he was the first person to stand up, pulling Evan up beside him. 

 

“We should get you home before your mom calls the police and files a missing person's report,” he'd said, cracking a grin at him before he moved to wipe his eyes again. Whether or not he thought he was being discreet, Evan couldn't tell, but he only nodded in response before he followed him back to the car. 

 

Even as he was dropped off, he could still practically feel Connor's fingers tangled in his shirt. Waving goodbye to his friend, the pounding in his chest doesn't stop until he's up in his room with the door locked and an arm pulled over his eyes. 

 

It's the only thing bouncing around in his head, and it's practically dizzying up until the point that he sits up, pulls out his laptop, and sets it on his knees. He needs a way to get it out of his head and down on paper, a way to get the thoughts out so he can stop panicking over them, and a way that nobody else will be able to see them. 

 

So he does what he knows to do best, and he opens up a new document. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen _ , 

 

_      What kind of idiot falls in love with their best friend? Okay, well, maybe love is kind of a strong word, because that's a lot. I mean, you just figured this out less than an hour ago and love is definitely a strong word for that. Love is a word for when you really really care about someone that you've known for a while, and  _

 

He pauses. His finger hovers over the space bar before they shift to backspace. He has known Connor for a while. He does care about him. He's really messing this up. 

 

He starts again. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

 

_      Congratulations, you've had a crush on both of the Murphy kids. Right when you think you're out of the ditch you dig yourself a new grave, and _

 

None of this is getting him anywhere. Letting out a huff of breath, he draws in a deeper, steadying one, and he pauses. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

 

_ You're not as screwed as you think. _

 

That's better. 

 

_      I mean, sure, you're kind of in a weird position right now, because you are literally in love with your best friend. Who is a boy. And also Connor Murphy. You're in love with Connor Murphy, and you can't tell him that. He's the only one who listens, sure, but this is one thing you can't tell anybody, because you just can't. Like, if you thought the arm thing was going to be a pain to talk about, this is leagues worse. It's two in the morning and you have to wake up for school in four hours and you're sitting awake in bed because you can't sleep. This is worse than the jazz concert with Zoe. It's worse than anything, but it'll be fine if you just keep your mouth shut. You're good at that.  _

 

_           Sincerely, Me.  _

 

He stares at the document for far longer than intended, worrying away at his lip before he closes his laptop and shoves it back into his bag, because right now, he needs to sleep. Maybe if he just closes his eyes, he can forget the night happened, forget what he realized, and go back to just being best friends. 

 

It isn't until his head hits the pillow that it clicks just how much he doesn't want to forget. 

 

\--

 

That night, he doesn't remember falling asleep. Actually, he doesn't remember dreaming either, he only knows he wakes up to the feeling of his phone buzzing from underneath him. Reaching for it with a groan, he winds up patting around aimlessly before he brings it up to his face and blinks the sleep from his eyes, unlocking it carefully. 

 

And then he's face to face with a text message from none other than Connor himself. 

 

_ “skipping. you in y/n?” _

 

Oh. He should have figured that Connor wouldn't want to go to school today- if he's getting coddled at home, he can barely manage to imagine how much attention he'd get at school, where everyone knew that Connor Murphy had been in the hospital because he had ‘finally tried to end it’. He doesn't want to try to wrap his head around the amount of people who would act like they ever cared just to seem like they were doing the right thing. 

 

But at the same time, Evan doesn't know if he could bring himself to skip today just to hang out with Connor. What if he slipped? What if he accidentally fessed something up that was supposed to remain unsaid. He's here to stop himself before he does stupid things, not to act as he feels and wind up in a bad situation because he gets nervous. 

 

So his reply is brief and to the point. Kind of. It's about as to the point as Evan Hansen can bring himself to be without telling him the truth.

 

_ “I'd like to spend time with you, but I can't skip. I have to keep my attendance up if I want a good scholarship. After school?” _

 

There's consideration in deleting the last part, in backspacing and pretending like he doesn't want to see Connor, but he slips and presses send before he can do otherwise. Connor's response comes fast. 

 

_ “lame. see you then. gl 2day.” _

 

_ “Yep. See you. :)” _

 

Pushing the topic to the back of his mind, Evan slips out of bed and goes to actually get ready for school. Breakfast is a stale Poptart and a juice box, and he's out the door with his backpack before he can think twice about ditching. 

 

As he passes by the Murphys on the walk to school, however, he's almost positive that he catches Connor watching him from his bedroom window. 

 

He tries to ignore the red that he thinks is rising to his face when he ducks his head down and keeps walking, but there's something reassuring about knowing that Connor's actually home despite everything. 

 

\--

 

As soon as he gets to home room, Jared is practically sitting on his desk waiting for him, and Evan comes to understand why he wasn't practically assaulted on the walk there. 

 

The first thing to leave Jared's mouth, naturally, is about Connor. 

 

“So,” he begins, adjusting his glasses and crossing his arms. “Did you get to spend your fairytale moments with Connor Murphy last night, Evan?”

 

He really doesn't need this right now. Resting his chin in his palm, Evan looks aside, trying hard to ignore the blush returning to his cheeks. “I'm- really not in the mood for- um. This. Right now, Jared, I didn't- get much sleep last night. I'm tired.” The words slip past his lips before he can think them over, and he knows that it was a huge mistake as soon as he watches Jared's lips curl up into a smirk. 

 

“Ohh? I bet you had a  _ great _ time with him, then, huh? If he kept you up all night, I mean.”

 

Evan's eyebrows furrow, and he looks up. “...What?”

 

Jared, on the other hand, wiggles his eyebrows, leaning down a bit more. “I bet he's into some kinky shit,  _ isn't  _ he? Come on, Evan, spill, I won't tell.”

 

The words click when Jared's about a half a foot from his face, and Evan's eyes go wide. Shaking his head hard, he stares helplessly at him. “N-No! No, wait, that's- I-I… That's not what happened! Not at all, why would you even say that?”

 

“I'm just telling the truth, dude!”

 

He's not, and Evan knows he's not, but there's something awful about the way that he wants nothing more but to tell him that it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen to him. Instead, he lies. 

 

“I-I didn't even get to spend that much time- with him. His mom was really,  _ really _ set on keeping him- um. Home, you know? I just… Couldn't sleep last night. Because I was just- I was still worried?”

 

“Whatever, dude.” Jared pulls away to head over to his own desk. Evan watches him until he sits down, at which point he's tempted to pull his phone out and text Connor, because he can't think of anything better to do, but then the bell rings. 

 

Maybe he should have just skipped. 

 

\--

 

Homeroom isn't the last time he thinks that. Neither is his first class. Or his third. Or lunch. 

 

The last time he thinks it is with his hand shoved in his pocket on the way home.

 

The entire day had been a load of garbage, really- he can't count on his hands the amount of people who had walked up to him with a balloon or a homemade card just to ask him where Connor was. Every answer was the same- a stuttered mess of “H-He- um. He didn't come. Today? But he's okay.”

 

Most of the time, it was a freshman who was too taken off guard by the idea that someone in their school had almost died, and they scurried away without further questioning. It was Alana who'd drilled him the worst, and it was at lunch. 

 

(“Where's Connor?”

 

“Um? H-Home.”

 

“Why didn't he come today? Is he okay?”

 

“I-I don't know, he just- didn't want to. He didn't want to.”

 

“Why not? He's not still doing poorly, is he?”) 

 

It had taken Zoe slipping in to calm her down, but the looks that she kept giving Evan were too much for him to handle. 

 

The walk home, on the other hand, was something to be looked forward to. He was finally alone, with no one pestering him, and he could just breathe and focus on the trees. 

 

At least, that had been the intention, but it was one that was broken when he walked by Connor Murphy sitting in his driveway. He'd seen him from a few feet away, but as he passed by and Connor was walking by his side, he was… pleasantly taken off guard. 

 

“Oh- I- Hey! What are you- doing here?”

 

“I live here,” is Connor's response, bored and flat. Evan notices that his hair looks softer than it had during the entirety of his stay at the hospital. He also notices that he's taken the bandages off of his arms. He must've taken a shower. 

 

“Right, no, yeah, of course- I just- didn't expect you to meet up with me? You really didn't need to. Do that.”

 

“You told me you'd see me after school, didn't you? It's after school, and I'm here.”

 

Evan pales. That's right. He did say that, and Connor took it more than literally. Connor actually waited for him. There's a smile stretching across his face before he can stop it- it's giddy and crooked, but he can't help it. This, he decides, is what Senior Year should have been like from the start, and he continues to think that as Connor walks beside him. “...Um. Thanks.”

 

He shrugs, and Evan moves closer as they walk, even if it's absolutely by accident. The walk feels calmer after that, and it's as if Evan's completely forgotten about the problem nagging at the back of his mind as they reach his house and Connor follows him inside. 

 

Once he sets his bag down, he's pulling out a binder with his free hand, carrying it over to the kitchen table. The silence hasn't gotten to him yet, until he's sitting down and Connor's pulling a chair over to sit beside him. 

 

“Um- you. You can do whatever, you know, you- don't have to watch me do homework, it's not that exciting.”

 

“Maybe this is what I want to do. What the shit is that, anyway, math? Why the fuck are you taking a math class in your senior year?”

 

Evan shifts, pencil tracing little swirls in the margins of his homework. “I don't know,” he murmurs, shifting before he lets his gaze drop again, carefully working away at the first problem. 

 

“And who the fuck gives homework on a Friday night? See, school sucks literal ass, Evan.”

 

“I  _ know _ it does.”

 

“Then why even fucking bother with it?”

 

“Because- because I need to distract m-myself somehow!” Evan's tapping his pencil against the homework anxiously as he talks, dropping it to run his hand through his hair before he turns to it once again. Much to his dismay, he finds it gone, and that’s when he realizes that Connor’s holding it and leaning in towards Evan in order to access the paper. 

 

“Just let me do it, would you? Math is the one thing I can do right.” 

 

Before Evan can argue that, tell him there are definitely things that he can do, he registers the proximity, and he closes his eyes for just a moment to calm down. Connor's arm is pressed into his chest gently, but it feels like he's being  _ crushed  _ by it. There's too much unspoken between them, and after five minutes, Evan can't take it anymore. Without a word, he pushes back his chair and stands up, looking away from Connor as he does. 

 

“I- um. I have to go- make my bed. You don't have to finish that if you don't- don't want to? But I really have to- do that. Now. Because-”

 

Connor waves him off, shaking his head. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Don’t worry yourself sick over it.”

 

He does.

 

As soon as he’s out of the kitchen, Evan feels like he needs to do everything and nothing at the same time. Hell, maybe he’ll clean his entire room, he doesn’t care. 

 

When it comes down to it, that’s exactly what winds up happening.

 

He has no idea how much time has passed before he hears creaking up the stairs, but when Connor’s in his doorway, Evan actually jumps. He’d turned to put the clothes that he’s been folding away, and he wasn’t exactly expecting to see Connor’s face staring back at him. 

 

“Connor! H-Hey!”

 

“So you are still alive.” 

 

“Oh- I. Um. Yeah. Sorry, I got- carried away? My room was kind of a mess, you know, and so I figured the only way that I could- I figured that I should-  _ clean _ it, so that if you came up, which- you did! That I wouldn’t be embarrassed? Because that would just be stupid. Who doesn’t clean their room when their friend is coming over? It’s kind of- not. Nice. Uh-”

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever cleaned my room just for you to come over. Why the fuck would I even care about that?” Evan watches as Connor steps into the room and goes to sit in Evan’s desk chair, leaning back in it and putting his feet up on the desk. He’d want to yell at anyone else who tried to pull a stunt like that, but it’s  _ Connor _ , so his head is telling him that it’s alright.

 

“I- um. Don’t know?”

  
  
“I was down there for, like, an hour waiting for you. Hope you don’t mind I grabbed a snack from the cabinet. And a bottle of water.”

 

“Oh, that’s- that’s okay. I don’t mind.” He’s the only one who would mind, anyway. His mom’s never home to care. He’s usually here alone. He’s  _ always _ here alone. In fact, it dawns on him then that this is the first time he’s actually been with Connor in his house in literally months, and the heavy feeling is back in his chest. His eyes flicker over to his desk, his gaze lingering, falling on the pill bottles again before they trail to Connor, who’s talking again.

 

“Evan.” 

 

“Y-Yeah. Yeah? What’s up?”

 

“Are you alright?”

 

Evan’s mouth feels like it’s been stuffed with cotton. He pauses, shrugging before he moves away from the bed and to his wall, pressing against it before he sinks down and tugs his legs up. Is he alright? No, probably not. He doesn’t think so, at least, because his heart is racing and he can’t see straight. His head ducks down into his knees, and he sucks in a sharp breath. “No?”

 

He hears Connor sigh before he hears his feet hit the ground, and there’s silence until he feels Connor sink down beside him. 

 

“I need you to promise me something,” Connor says from beside him as they sit with their backs against the wall of Evan's bedroom. Evan's silence is clearly taken as an answer, because before he can settle on anything else to say, Connor's turning his head and moving his hand to land it against his cast. “No matter how fucking shitty things get, just hang in there. Write one of those stupid fucking letters of yours, or call me, I don't give a damn if it's three in the fucking morning. Just promise me you'll never do something stupid.”

 

There's something desperate in the inflections of his voice, and they're putting Evan on edge. They're putting him so on edge that he feels like the wall behind him is about to give out and he's about to plummet into some abyss where he'll never see him again. 

 

That, he decides, is the worst possible fate that he can imagine. 

 

So he just nods, nods hard and fast and looks directly at Connor before he finally feels the hand pull off of his cast, and Evan lets out a shaky breath. 

 

He doesn't know where any of this is coming from, but it's helping. It's helping when Connor grabs his hand and looks at him and tells him to just breathe, too. He's listening to him repeat the mantra-  _ in, out. in, out-  _ and he doesn't think that it would work if it were anyone else, but when he finally looks up and sees that it's just Connor, it feels okay. 

 

“I- won't. I won't. I won't, I promise, it's fine. I'm fine.” He's not fine. “I'm  _ fine _ .” 

 

Usually, he deals with this on his own. His mom's never home, anyway, so when something happens that leaves him barely breathing on his bedroom floor, he's used to just squeezing his eyes shut, ignoring the tears, and waiting for it to go away. But now he's squeezing a hand instead, and not pulling at his hair and wishing he were gone.

 

As usual, though, it takes him a considerable amount of time before he’s finally able to calm down, and when he finally does, he finds himself leaning heavily into Connor’s side. If Connor minds, he’s not saying anything, and it’s that silence that eventually has Evan drifting off to sleep with his head against Connor’s shoulder. 

 

He could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is definitely a long one, and it's honestly a ride and it's still building. The roller coaster hasn't even reached that really cool loop thing yet where it turns you upside-down, and you're screaming, but you don't really want it to stop. Yeah.
> 
> Anyway I'm gonna take this moment to thank everyone who's been reading and subbing and bookmarking and commenting and kudos..ing. so far. Like, thank you it really does mean a lot! (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan wakes up from a nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/160981450257/reinvention-chapter-12) link!
> 
> EDIT: Hi this chapter is approximately four months old now, but people keep asking me if "You drool in your sleep" is a Percy Jackson ref and it,,,, it's not,,, it's really not I just thought that it would be a really cute thing to say. I've literally never,,, read Percy Jackson I know nothing about it,,, please,,, please,,,,, my family is dying,,,,

“You know.” There’s a voice in Evan’s ear, and it sounds too close. It’s as if there’s someone leaning over him, and his eyebrows furrow, creasing in the middle as he draws in a breath and rolls his shoulders back. There’s an ache in his neck that shouldn’t be there, but when he goes to move his hand to rub it away, he finds that it’s pressed in someone else’s. “You drool in your sleep.”

 

Evan straightens up too fast, and true to the claim, there’s a trail of drool on his face. His attention turns up to his side, and he flushes. Connor. That’s right. “Oh, I’m- sorry. God, I’m really sorry.” Evan finally pulls his hand from Connor’s, and two thoughts go through his mind as he wipes his face.

 

One: How long has he been asleep, and Two: Was Connor holding his hand that whole time?

 

“Whatever, don't worry about it. Something tells me you need the fucking sleep.” 

 

He's not wrong. Evan's expression crumples, and he yawns, covering it with his now-free hand. Has it been that clammy the entire time? Ew. He feels like he's too aware of everything wrong with him right now- almost as much as he's sure that Connor could not possibly care any less. 

 

That's always how they've been.

 

And  _ this _ is embarrassing. 

 

It's even worse when Connor speaks again, though, because he's asking a question that Evan doesn't exactly know how to answer. 

 

“So. Where'd that one come from? No one was fucking with you at school today, were they?”

 

“Oh- um? I don't really- know, actually? Not really. I- mean, a lot of people were asking about- about you, but I don't really know if that… It was way earlier, so, like…” Did there have to be a reason? 

 

Connor shrugs, straightening up and drawing in a deep breath. “For fucks sake, Evan, just tell them to fuck off. It'd make your life so much easier.”

 

“You- make that sound easy. We've been over this before, I think? and-”

 

Connor's gaze shifts to his desk. “Have you been taking your shit?”

 

“My- what?”

 

“Your pills. For your anxiety? ”

  
  
“Oh. Right, I um- I… No?

 

“You know, you have those for a damn reason, Evan.” Connor shifts to his side to reach into his pocket and dig out his cellphone, silent for a moment before he looks at him. “It’s getting dark.”

 

“How- long was I asleep?”

  
  
“I don’t know. It’s seven, so. What, three hours? But like I said, it doesn’t matter.” Another pause. “You weren’t going to eat tonight, were you?”

 

“...Um. No?” Evan shifts, rubbing at his cast a little bit as he looks away, and it sinks in just how hungry he actually is.

 

“Thought so. You still don’t like ordering out, do you?” Connor doesn’t even wait for Evan’s answer before he’s bringing his phone up to his ear. “Your mom still leaves money for pizza though, right?”

 

Evan’s nod is slower this time- hesitant as if he’s not sure that any of this is even happening. For all he knows, he’s still asleep, because things are going okay right now, and there’s absolutely no reason for them to be. But then Connor’s talking, not to him, and Evan takes the moment to tip his head back against the wall. He hits it just enough to let himself know that he’s  _ not _ asleep, and he winces as a result. He’s definitely awake, and Connor is definitely looking at him like he’s an idiot. Mumbling an apology under his breath, he pulls his knees back up, looking aside while Connor orders them dinner. 

 

How does he always make things feel so easy? Evan turns his head, leaning forward against himself as he studies Connor carefully, watching him push his hair back as he repeats the order. Watching him as he shifts, and sighs, and the way that his eyes close when he's trying to concentrate… 

 

Evan's stomach flips, and he turns away before Connor can open his eyes and realize that he's being stared at. As if it would be the biggest problem in the universe. After another minute, Connor's slipping his phone back into his pocket and turning to Evan before he pulls himself up, reaching a hand down to him. Evan stares at it for a second before he looks back up at Connor, as if he's still in a daze, still trying to figure out what's what. When his hand closes around his and Evan is pulled to his feet, he goes still, looking up with a confused expression. 

 

“You wanna go watch a movie?” His hand is dropped, and Evan's fingers twitch, flex in towards his palm, as if it's a delayed attempt to squeeze Connor's hand. 

 

“Why?”

 

“Because we have to do something while we wait for the pizza to get here. And we might as well be downstairs, right? It'll be easier that way.” He watches as Connor heads to the doorway of his bedroom and disappears into the hallway, and there isn't another word spoken until Connor is  halfway down the stairs, and it's soft and over his shoulder. “Oh, and I'm gonna stay the night.”

 

Evan’s pace picks up to catch up to Connor, gaze flickering up to look at him. “You’re sure that’d be okay? I don’t want to-”

 

“Evan, it’s  _ fine _ . I’m pretty sure they’re just as aware as I am that you’re the only person fucking keeping me alive right now, anyway. So, why would they actually have a problem with me being here, unless they actually want me gone.”

 

“Why would they want that? I mean, your mom seemed really happy, and-”

 

Connor spares a glance at him before he forces out a laugh, and he pulls a hair tie from off of his wrist to pull his hair out of his face. Evan counts the time he loops it around before speaks up again. “It was a joke. Don’t worry.” 

 

A poor joke. Evan nods before he goes to get the cash from its designated ‘take-out’ spot, handing it to Connor as he sits down on the couch and pulls his legs up to cross them. “Well, I don’t- want you gone. So I’d be okay with you, um. Staying here. Especially if it helps.” His eyes are trained on the floor as he speaks, and the static on the television screen as it’s flipped on feels like it may as well be in his head. “But- only if you want to? So- yeah.” He starts fiddling with his sweater sleeve at that point, tugging at the cuff and twisting the material between his fingers. Connor falls into the couch beside him in the least graceful way possible, practically colliding with Evan’s side before he shifts away, and it has Evan scrambling to wedge himself into the arm of the couch.

  
He’s prepared for anything but Connor’s hand coming up to tussle his hair. Evan shrinks back, but when he looks up to find a smile on Connor’s face, he lets himself relax. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” Connor mumbles to him, and Evan’s stomach twists. 

 

“...Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know last chapter was long but this one is SHORT and I'm so, so sorry, but it had to be that way.
> 
> EDIT: Please,,, read the top note,,, it's not a reference I swear,  
> If you ask about it again, my friend Téa from the PJO Fandom will break into your house and set your PJO books on fire. I'm just passing on the message. Thank you.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan finally figures out how to cope with the fact that he's in love with his best friend. Sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/161092502897/reinvention-chapter-13) link!

Sure enough, Connor stays the night.

 

And the next night.

 

And something is telling Evan by the time Monday rolls around that he just doesn’t want to _go_ home.

 

At least, that’s all he can think when he’s leaning over the couch with a hand on Connor’s shoulder, trying to nudge him awake.

  
  
“Connor, um- I… We have to go to school. Or, I have to go to school. If you want to skip, I mean, you can, because- You know, I’m not really in charge of you or anything. Actually, I think you’re _older_ than me, so, there’s that, too? Um-..” Evan rounds the couch, sighing as he settles down to sit at the edge of it, bouncing his foot nervously against the carpet. “Connor?”

 

Hesitantly, a hand comes back down to Connor’s shoulder, and he brushes hair away from his face before he pulls it back sharply, as if it burned. He pauses, as if he’s waiting to make sure that Connor isn’t awake, before he moves the hand down again.

  
  
He looks so calm in his sleep.

 

As soon as the thought’s in his head, he realizes just how weird it is to _think_ that, and his face heats up, but it doesn’t go away. Connor Murphy is dark clothes and angry glances- but right now he’s curled up on the living room couch looking like he doesn’t have a care in the world, looking like he’s okay, and it makes Evan’s chest ache in a million ways. It's different, but it's not bad, and what Evan wouldn't give to see him this relaxed all of the time, he can't tell.

 

It doesn’t even register that he’s still staring at him until Connor’s eyes are open and he’s staring right back at Evan, who stumbles back and nearly falls off of the couch. Connor, on the other hand, remains unaffected, sitting up and rubbing at his eyes before giving Evan a tired look.

 

“What are you doing? You’re going to be late for school.”

 

“Oh! I-” Evan clears his throat, rakes his fingers through his hair and straightens himself out, eyes flickering aside. He even _sounds_ great when he wakes up. And how the hell did his hair stay so nice? Wow. Okay. “Waaas just waking you. Up? I didn’t know if you were planning on actually… going today, so…”

 

The look that Evan receives makes him feel like more of an idiot than usual- like he just just said the stupidest thing that he could have possibly said- and Connor rolls his shoulders back in a stretch. “Why- the fuck would I want to go back?”

 

“...I don’t know.”

 

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll drive you there. Sound good?”

  
  
“You’ll- really?” That’s more than he was expecting. Connor doesn’t answer him, instead carefully nudging him aside before he swings his legs over the side and stands up, combing his fingers through his hair.

 

“Yeah. Then I’ll go back home before my mom has a goddamn heart attack, and maybe I’ll see you later. Are you ready now?”

 

Evan’s eyes fall to the backpack at his feet, nodding before he picks it up and pulls it on, standing up beside Connor. “Um- yeah. Are… you?”

 

Shrugging, Connor starts ahead, and Evan adjusts his sweater before he starts after him, trailing only a few inches behind him as they head out of the house.

 

“I’ve got nothing to get ready for.”

 

\--

 

Connor narrowly avoids a confrontation when they arrive at his house. Mrs. Murphy’s car is still in the driveway, and Evan thinks there’s a brief moment of panic across his face when he gets into the driver’s seat of his car. Evan slips into the passenger seat before he can be yelled at, putting his backpack in his lap as he looks out the window. The entire ride is quiet, but it’s not as much of an awkward silence as it could be, and that’s the only thing bringing him comfort.

 

Evan stays silent up until the point that Connor’s pulling through the drop-off, but when Connor’s unlocking the car door for him to get out, he turns on his heel. “Um- Thanks, Connor. A lot.”

 

“What the hell are you thanking me for, dude? I just sat in your house for three days and smoked out your fucking bedroom-”

  
  
“-Yeah, that stunk, but-”

 

“Ev, just take the favor, okay? Just fucking take it.”

 

Connor doesn’t sound particularly mad, but Evan shrinks away regardless, worrying at his lower lip as he nods. “Um- okay. Alright, no problem. I’ll- see you later.”

 

Connor looks at him and nods back. “Yeah. Good luck today,” he says, just as the car door swings shut, and Evan turns to wave before he drives away. From there, he heads inside, adjusting his bag over his shoulders before he heads into the school, with his fingers curled around his backpack strap.

 

He just needs to get to class, before the idea of Connor is overwhelming and he wants nothing more but to call him back and pick him up.

 

So that’s what he does- he turns, picks up his pace, and rushes into the school as if he’s got no time left whatsoever. Gaze locked on the ground, he walks with his shoulders squared, fiddling with his sleeve as he makes his way to homeroom.

 

\--

 

From there, the day goes smoothly. As slow as it could go, but smooth all the same. It feels strange to him how it’s only been a few weeks of school, but he already feels like everything is just a motion and he’s following them, like he’s a machine, programmed to do just this.

 

That is the feeling, at least, until something comes along and screws up the whole process- puts a knot in the chain that makes you have to pause just to fix things and get back to the grind.

 

Every single knot in Evan's chain is a direct result of something that Jared Kleinman does or says. Jared Kleinman, whose smug expression while he pushes up his glasses as he leans across the lunch table makes Evan feel like crawling under a rock. Who only knows how to ask questions about anyone's personal life but his own.

 

More specifically, he only knows how to ask about Connor.

 

Evan's leaned over the table as he eats, tearing his chicken nuggets in half before popping them into his mouth. All he could hear was his own thoughts- _don’t play with your food, Evan. You aren’t six years old, Evan._

 

“So, how’d your three-day date with Connor Murphy go, Evan?”

 

Another piece of chicken, chew, swallow. “It was fine.” Evan’s eyes shoot up, dropping the other half of the nugget to the plastic tray as his eyes lock with Jared’s. “I- _mean_ ! It wasn’t a date! It was _not_ a- we just- we’re _friends_!”

 

“ _Boy_ friends. Come on, dude, every single time I tried to message you, you said you were busy. It doesn’t take a detective to know what the fuck that means.”

 

“N-No, it doesn’t, but- I was just- we were- hanging out, a-and…”

 

“Evan!” Zoe’s sliding into the bench next, putting the same indigo lunch bag onto the table before she folds her hands and presses them down flat. There is too much attention on him right now, and there’s a moment where he misses the times when he had to sit alone at lunch. Being stared at was better than being talked to.

 

“Z-Zoe! Hey! I- um. H- _Hey.”_ Stay calm, deep breath, it’ll be fine. Drawing in a shaky breath, he smiles hesitantly, even though it’s awkward and heavy. He feels like he’s going to scream, but he tries hard to ignore it as he lets out a little breath. “What’s- up? I hope your day’s been going well, and-”

 

“Where’s Connor?”

 

Evan goes silent. “What?” he squeaks out. This isn’t how good days go. Confrontation is not comfortable. In fact, if he were to just drop off the face of the Earth right now, that would be particularly comfortable. But of course, that’s not what he gets, because why would things go easy for him?

 

“Connor. He hasn’t been home all weekend, and it’s driving mom insane, therefore driving _me_ insane. I’ve never actually wanted to run away from home before, Evan, but right now? You bet your ass I want to, and-”

 

“H-He’s been in my- at my house? He- um. He’s just been- hanging out there, you know, and-”

 

“See!” Jared’s face breaks out into a grin, too wide and bright, and Evan’s face goes red. How is he supposed to explain any of this without Jared… “I told you. It was a date!”

 

“It was a _what_?” Zoe’s head tilts, her eyebrows knitting together as she unzips her lunchbag.

 

“It w-was _not_ a date! He just didn’t want to go home, because Mrs. Murphy was being-” 

 

Zoe cuts in. “ _Is_.”

 

“Is! Is- being. Um… She’s very-... a lot?”

 

Jared’s not buying it. He’s not buying any of it, and he can tell that more than anything as he leans over and swipes a fry from Evan’s tray. “Sure, sure, now you have his sister in on it, too?”

 

Nope, this is a mess. Evan shakes his head, finally picking up the other half of his chicken and chewing it thoughtfully before he swallows it, eyes trained hard on the table. “She’s- no. It’s not like- that, Jared, it really isn’t!”

  
  
Jared leans back against nothing, back against air, and his arms come up against his chest. He gets that smug look again, as if he’s right about everything, and right now, he can’t help but think that he’s not far from the point. And immediately following that thought comes the realization that he’s had it, and his stomach turns. “Whatever you say, Evan Hansen.”

  
  
Zoe’s still sitting there, looking just about as confused as she should be. As confused as Evan would _expect_ her to be.

 

And then there’s silence. The silence is worse when Evan knows what’s behind it- it’s worse than anything he could imagine it to be, and he can’t manage to imagine anything worse. That, at least, is the thought in his mind until Zoe actually speaks up.

 

“ _Are_ you dating Connor?”

  
  
Evan pauses, his entire face flushing of color before he shakes his head, hard.  “Oh- Oh my _God_. No, I- no, I- um- no! No, I’m not! I’m really, really-” He looks like he’s going to throw up, and it’s clear that Zoe sees it, because she backs off immediately.

 

“Okay! Okay, it was just a question, don’t _worry_ about it,” Zoe shoots back, shaking her head as she clears her throat. After pushing her hair behind her ear and taking a bite of her sandwich, she looks at Evan again.  “It was just a question. So- he just didn’t want to come in today?”

 

Evan’s response is a slow nod, looking at the table once again before shoving his tray towards Jared- an invitation to finish it more than anything else. “Nope, he- said he’d go home, though. He’s probably home right now! And I actually have to go, so…” Trailing off, he stands from the bench, tripping gracelessly over it as he takes a step backward, puffing out a breath.

 

Just like he thought- nothing is going to make this easier. Absolutely nothing is going to make school easier for him- especially not now, when anyone he talks to thinks that he is quite literally romantically involved with his best friend.

 

Which he is not. He is most definitely not dating Connor Murphy, and he most definitely does not _want_ to date Connor Murphy.

 

Funny thing about telling yourself things, though, is that no matter how much you try, the other thought’s still there.

 

And that’s the one thing that Evan Hansen is absolutely positive of on the walk home from school that day, when he passes the Murphy’s house without looking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we see the Struggle finally settle in


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out avoidance isn't the best way to cope with your problems, and Evan Hansen gets to learn that the hard way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/161199790282/reinvention-chapter-14) link!

Another funny thing about avoiding things is just how quickly time can pass without you realizing it.

 

Two weeks pass, and Connor Murphy is a thought that’d been shoved to the back of Evan Hansen’s mind. He’s a kid down the street, a classmate, and someone who emails him every few days in attempt to check in.

 

Evan doesn’t respond.

 

Actually, Evan has been neglecting his email over anything else, to a point where it would probably be troublesome if he actually had friends other than Connor who emailed him on the regular.

 

If only he could figure out a better way to avoid that no matter how much he tries, he can’t ignore the fact that Connor hasn’t shown up to school in two weeks.

 

But just as time passes quickly, so many things _happen_ in that time, and it’s one hell of a lot easier to do everything and anything when both of your arms are back in commission and you don’t have to stare at your best friend’s signature in permanent marker on your arm.

 

At least, as is the life of Evan Hansen, and he hasn’t been able to make heads or tails of anything lately. Sure, it was nice to have no cast stuck on his arm, but other than that, there was nothing. He wakes up, takes a shower, gets dressed, and walks to school. It’s the same thing, over and over, and it’s gotten to a point where he almost wishes that he had the same guts as Connor, because if he did, he could just skip, and things would be easier. He could stay locked up in his room, take his medicine, shut up, and deal with life to the best of his ability.

 

Even if that ability is by ignoring emails, ignoring texts, and sleeping. He can do that. Kind of.

 

Not really.

 

Every morning, there's a text from Connor waiting for him on his phone- a ‘ _not going 2day’_ or a ‘ _have fun in school’_. They usually have Evan questioning something, that something typically being if he's been getting any sleep, or if he ever plans on going back, but he never replies.

 

How can he be expected to, if Connor's the one problem that he has? Being with him is hard, being without him is harder, and no matter how he tries to justify any of it in his head, he _can't._

 

Every day that he walks to school just to walk past the Murphy’s, he feels his heart start racing- his chest gets tight, and it’s hard to _breathe_ , and he can’t figure out if it’s the guilt, or the fact that he’s still tied up over the fact that when he thinks of Connor, he thinks of how uncharacteristically soft his hands are, or how he’s the only one who knows how to comfort him, or the way that he looks when he pulls his hair back and out of his face, or the way that he _smiles_.

 

He pulls a pillow over his face, as if that’s going to stop his brain from going. Going until he can barely take it. Connor's voice is in his head suddenly, asking him if he's “ _taken his shit_ ” yet. He hasn't. Rolling on his side, he groans as he pushes his face instead into his hands and sits up, pulling himself out of bed if only to move the three feet it takes to get to his desk. Reaching for his medication, he unscrews the cap and dumps out a few, counting out the correct dosage before he drops them into his mouth alongside a generous amount of water.

 

Come to think of it, Evan hasn't really been doing a lot of things that he should be. Is that medicine alright to take on an empty stomach? He glances at the bottle.

 

Probably not. But whatever.

 

His hand comes back up to push through his hair, and he presses his face once again into his palms. God, he’s a mess, and he’s too aware of it, but sleep doesn’t just _happen_ , and there’s no way in hell he can just fall asleep right now.

 

After thinking it over for longer than he’d like to admit, he pulls himself to his feet and drags himself downstairs, silent as he puts a slice of bread in the toaster and takes a seat at the kitchen table. His gaze falls to the wood, studying it for a moment before he lets his head fall to a rest on it. He seriously needs to calm down.

 

“Evan Hansen, you are a mess.”

 

The words slip out before he realizes that he’s the one saying them, and Evan swallows the lump in his throat as he stands up to grab the toast, unceremoniously taking a bite of it before going to sit on his couch, anxiously tapping his foot against the bottom of the couch. After a moment, he pulls his legs to his chest, resting his chin against his knees once he finishes off his snack.

 

He’s going to need a lot more than a piece of toast to get his mind off of everything going on, but at the same time, he can’t figure out what the hell he wants to think about other than his problem.

 

Why the hell hasn’t Connor Murphy been showing up to school?

 

Sure, it was a well known fact that he wasn’t fond of the place, but neither was Evan, and he was still going. His fingers knot through his hair again, tugging at it as he draws in a sharp breath, eyes squeezing shut. If he would just show up to school and confront him, if he would just _say something_ to him instead of avoiding him, then maybe things could go back to how they should be.

 

To how _they_ should be.

 

Drawing in a shuddering breath, Evan pulls an arm away to wipe his eyes. Upon looking out the window, he finds it to be later than he’d thought.

 

Maybe he should just go to bed.

 

\--

 

The next day after school, Evan’s caught between trying to rush home and lingering in the computer lab for possibly longer than he should.

 

In the end, it winds up being the latter.

 

He’s staring blankly at his inbox, scrolling aimlessly between five different emails- all of them from Connor.

 

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_Haven’t heard from you since yesterday. Are you okay?_

 

_Sincerely, Me.’_

 

 

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_I get it if you need time or whatever but are you okay, Hansen?_

 

_Sincerely, Me.’_

 

 

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_If you weren’t kidding when you told me that we were best friends, then cut the shit. If I did something wrong, you’re allowed to tell me, you know._

 

_Sincerely, Me.’_

 

 

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_I think you’re still fucking coming to school. Zoe keeps saying you seem upset at lunch or whatever. I don’t know if she’s trying to get me to go back or what but it’s not gonna happen. Why the fuck haven’t you been checking your emails?_

 

_Sincerely, Me.’_

 

 

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_Listen, if you don’t want to fucking talk to me anymore, it would be great if you could just tell me that so I know whether or not I still have a goddamn friend._

 

_Sincerely, Me.’_

 

 

Oh. Fantastic. Connor’s gotta be pissed at him, he can tell, and it makes him want to be sick. His eyes are burning, his head is pounding, and every single bone in his body is screaming at him to log off and get out before it’s too late, before Jared or Zoe or Alana can come in and start talking to him. Before _anyone_ can start talking to him, hopefully, because there’s a lump in his throat that’s telling him that he’ll just start crying if anyone does.

 

Right as he’s about to close the window, however, there’s a voice in the doorway that’s making him freeze as soon as it reaches his ears.

 

“Hey, Hansen. Funny, you’re here too, huh?”

 

Crap.

 

“You know, I was actually going to head home, but I passed by and saw you in the window. I actually didn’t even know if you were in school today, since I didn’t _see_ you after first period. Or at lunch. What the fuck have you been up to?”

 

He resists the urge to say ‘the library’, or ‘hiding in the bathroom’, or some equally childish excuse. Instead, he brings himself to turn in the swivel chair, feet tapping away at one of the legs as his attention turns up, only to find himself locking eyes with Connor Murphy leaning in the doorway.

 

“I- um. I’ve been- _around_?”

 

“Certainly not around me, that’s for damn sure.”

 

 _Crap_. “Um- no, I guess- I haven’t been?”

 

Connor steps into the lab, letting the door swing shut behind him. They’re alone now, and Connor’s moving closer, closer, until he’s falling backwards into the computer chair beside Evan, arms folding over the back of it and leaning in. It spins before he plants his feet firmly on the ground, the chair tipping forwards, and right into Evan’s personal bubble.

 

Evan instinctively scoots back, sneakers squeaking against the tiles as his breath hitches. “ _Con_ nor,” he starts, his eyebrows furrowing as he turns, glancing back to the computer screen. Evidently, Connor’s gaze follows his own, because he scoffs and lets out a laugh.

 

“Wait, so you did read them?”

 

“ _No_ , I- didn’t, it’s- not-”

 

“Really? Because from right here, it looks like you’re fucking opened them, and you just haven’t replied. Which is actually fucking _fantastic.”_

 

Evan’s stomach turns, and his eyes drop, fall to the tile, and he shifts nervously, immediately moving to tug at the hem of his shirt, picking at the stitching there. He hates this- he hates confrontation more than probably anything, _ever_ , and yet Connor’s right in front of him, and he feels frozen. As much as he wants to get up and leave, he can’t bring himself to, because this is the first time that he’s seen Connor in weeks.

 

“I um- haven’t actually checked until now?” he manages to get out, his hands shaky as he moves them to press his open palms into his knees, fingers curling to press into his skin through his khakis. “I- haven’t been. T-Trying to ignore you, really, I- you _are_ my best- friend, um-”

 

“You got your cast off.”

 

Evan’s gaze breaks from the floor, raising enough to look back at Connor, whose expression is anything but kind. It’s sharp, pointed directly at him, and it makes Evan draw in a sharp breath. “Uh-- uh-huh. Y-Yeah, I did. Last week, I- think. Well, a few- few days ago, but-”

 

“Would’ve been nice to know that when it fucking happen, wouldn’t it?”

 

That’s enough. It’s too much. Evan straightens up, hastily reaching over to shutdown the computer before he stands up completely, practically wobbling before he stumbles, pulling his backpack on. “I-I have to go! R-Right now, I- um. I just- h-have to, so-” He wipes his hands on his pants. Is he sweating? Everything’s spinning. Everything’s blurry. A hand raises to wipe away the tears forming in his eyes, but he keeps moving, trying hard to keep himself from losing his balance the entire walk home as he stares at the sky.

 

\--

 

Upon his arrival home, the first thing Evan finds himself doing is sitting on his bed with his laptop open, staring at a blank email.

 

What on earth is he supposed to write?

 

Dear Connor Murphy, I’m really sorry for avoiding you like we’re in elementary school and you broke my favorite crayon.

 

He knows that Connor’s right, somewhere in his head. He’s completely, painfully aware that what he’s been doing is wrong, absolutely wrong, but he can’t bring himself to figure out how the hell to put two and two together and just tell him that he’s embarrassed. Evan Hansen can’t push Connor’s expression out of his mind, and he’s flustered beyond anything else, but he starts regardless- puts his hands on the keyboard and does the only thing he knows how to do right.

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

 

_I’m writing this letter because I know I messed up. I know I shouldn’t have ignored you, and I’m really, really sorry. I am. I just didn’t know what to do today, because I don’t like confrontation, which I thought you knew, but I understand that you were probably angry. Which I understand. And it’s fine. You don’t need to apologize. I wasn’t lying when I told you I hadn’t checked my emails yet. I really hadn’t, and I feel awful about it. You just caught me at a bad time. As if there’s ever a good time to be around me._

 

_The last two weeks have been kind of hard for me, actually. So to answer your questions from before, I don’t think I’m really okay. I’ve just been going through a lot, and I know I can talk to you about anything, since we’re best friends and all, but things are just hard, and I have a lot on my mind. Did you know that I actually miss my cast? That’s weird, isn’t it? Maybe I miss having your name there. That would be even weirder, I think, but I kind of made a promise in my head that I wouldn’t backtrack here because I really need to actually talk to you._

 

_I actually don’t know what to write. Two weeks is a long time not to talk to someone, and I’m really sorry. I know I said that already, but I’m not sure if I can say it enough. I just really hope that we can still be friends. I don’t want to lose you, and I’m afraid of pushing you away, but that’s what I wind up doing anyway. My biggest fear is letting you see everything that’s wrong with me and you not wanting to come back._

 

_Sincerely, Me._

 

He skims over the email once, twice, before he decides that it’s good enough, and he doesn’t let himself think too hard before he presses send, heart racing in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I want my kids to be happy.  
> Also me: Welcome. To my suffering dome.
> 
> P.S. Y'all can feel free to contact me on my tumblr @tearezicryrope at any time if you'd like.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor drops by. Evan is thoroughly shaken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/161324349342/reinvention-chapter-15) link!

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

 

_      Maybe I overreacted. Stop apologizing like an idiot and take one of those deep breaths like you’re supposed to do when you’re freaking the fuck out. I felt like the world’s biggest asshole when you left today, and maybe I was. I probably fucking was. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just got all pissed off and I let it get the best of me. I don’t think I can remember a time when you got that scared because of me. _

 

_      Why do you have to be so good at these stupid emails. I don’t fucking know what to write. I never do. _

 

_      It is stupid that you miss your cast, though. At least now your arm isn’t broken anymore, because that was shitty. And don’t go telling me that it’s because you miss my name there, because that’s even fucking stupider. Is stupider a word? Hell if I know. You really can tell me anything, though. Just do me a favor and actually fucking remember that. If the last two weeks have been shit for you, it’s not making it any easier on yourself by just locking you in your room. I bet you haven’t even been opening your window up. You need fresh air like anybody else. Try not to beat yourself up over everything too much. _

 

_      Listen, I’ll tell you what. I’ll drop by later tonight, and we can talk then. If you really want to, we can go drive up to the orchard or something again. I can bring over some leftovers or something from dinner. Mom’s on this new fucking diet so she’s been making all this weird shit. Some of it’s okay, and fuck knows you never eat anything unless it’s brought to you anyway, so just consider it take-out. I’ll see you around. Sorry, again. _

 

_           Sincerely, Me. _

_                 P.S. You’re full of shit if you seriously think I wouldn’t apologize to you. _

 

The response comes after two hours, and Evan’s left staring at his computer for what feels like a lifetime after he receives the message. His mouth gets that dry feeling again, and everything is telling him to respond, to tell him not to come over, but he doesn't. He just stares, reads it over and over as if it's a difficult concept for him to wrap his head around. 

 

And it is. At least, to him. It's increasingly difficult to make sense of it the more he reads it over, especially as it settles that Connor means  _ tonight _ tonight, and not some  _ other _ tonight. Closing his eyes, he counts back from ten, slow and steady as he draws in a breath. There's nothing about the email that's bad, but the feeling in his chest won't go away. But it has to. God, he has to make it go away before he winds up neck deep in another panic attack. 

 

So what better way than to go outside and wind up twenty something odd feet off the ground in an old oak? 

 

Sure, maybe it's not his best decision, but Evan Hansen is full of bad decisions, and this is no exception. He doesn't think there are exceptions. One foot, another, branch after branch, and his heart is racing. He hasn't climbed a tree in months. He hasn't climbed a tree without Connor in even longer. 

 

His fingers curl around a branch, tugging himself up to sit on a particularly strong one, one arm looping hard against the trunk. As much as he doesn't want to, Evan's gaze drops. Trains on the ground. God, he's high up. His tongue traces over his teeth.

 

He could let go right now. 

 

Connor's not here to find him. No one's there to find him. 

 

He moves his arm. Fingers uncurl from the trunk, and he leans back just enough to look back up towards the night sky, his breath stalling in his throat. 

 

Why can't this just be easy? 

 

“Hey.” 

 

Evan stumbles. His arm locks once again around the trunk, securing himself against it as his breath hitches, gaze falling once again to the ground, where Connor's standing at the base of the tree, holding a tupperware container in one hand.

 

“What the fuck are you doing?”

 

“Um- I-” Evan shifts, letting go enough to lower himself down a branch. “I- got… I was bored? And so I went outside and then I saw the tree.” It's not the biggest lie he's ever told, really. “I-I’m sorry, I didn't mean to…”

 

“Dumbass,” Connor calls up. “Didn't I fucking tell you not to do anything  _ stupid _ ? And you promised. So get the  _ fuck _ down, before you break your arm again, would you?” There's a pause before he hears Connor clear his throat. “...Please.”

 

Evan does. He lets himself back down, branch after branch, before his feet are on the ground and he's stumbling forward. Before he can straighten himself out completely, Connor's in front of him shrugging his hoodie off and pushing it into Evan's arms. He blinks, looking at him and opening his mouth to speak, but he's cut off. 

 

“Put the damn hoodie on. It's getting cold out, and it's dark. Take care of yourself at least a little, will you?” Without knowing how to respond, Evan just nods hard and fast, face flushing as he shrugs Connor's hoodie on. 

 

“Oh. Okay, um- Got it. It's- It’s on, okay?”

 

Connor looks him up and down before he moves one hand up and pushes it through Evan's hair, ruffling it carefully. “I fucking told you I was coming over didn't I? You seriously couldn't hold on for another ten minutes? Your excuses are always shit, you know.”

 

Evan's head ducks down, shoulders hunching up. “I know.”

 

“...You looked like you were really thinking up there.”

 

“I- was.”

 

“About what?”

 

“...No one was, um- here. So, like, if- if I'd fallen, then no one would probably know? I don't know if I'd want anyone to know, even. Who- who does that? Who just  _ thinks  _ about that?” Evan shifts, fidgeting with his hands as he keeps his gaze stuck on the ground, stuck on anything but Connor, because he doesn't know how to look at him right now. 

 

But clearly he doesn't need to looks at him, because within a moment’s time, his face is being pressed into Connor's shoulder, and Connor's arms are around him. Evan freezes up. This isn't what he was expecting. “ _ Connor _ .”

 

“Shut up, alright? Just- take deep breaths, and calm down. You don't need to freak out over this. So what, you feel like fucking shit, and you did something absolutely goddamn  _ ridiculous,  _ but you're safe, so just- knock it off.” Connor's voice is soft, and Evan's breath hitches again, feeling the burn of tears in his eyes before he squeezes them shut and lets his arms finally come up and around him. 

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

“I know you are.”

 

“I'm really,  _ really _ sorry, Connor, I didn't mean to- stop  _ talking  _ to you I didn't know what to do because either way I feel like I'm messing up- because I'm a  _ mess _ \- so why not just- avoid it, right? That's- that way you don't have to see me when I'm like  _ this _ , because no one would want to see me like that! I don't- deserve- to-” Evan breaks off, his lack of breath finally getting to him as he lets out a sob, arms locking tight around Connor. His fingers curl, bunching the material of his shirt up into his hands so that he can feel like he has a grip on  _ something _ right now.

 

“You deserve a fuck lot more than it seems like you think you do, Ev.” Connor shifts, pulls Evan closer as he smooths a hand over his back. “Let’s go inside- it’s getting cold, last thing we need is for you to get yourself fucking sick. Plus, you’ve gotta eat this bullshit my mom made. It’s some sort of weird- pasta dish. I don’t know. But I bet you’d love it.” 

 

It feels like Connor’s whispering to him- as though everything that he’s saying is being said just loud enough for Evan to understand- and while he can’t entirely tell if that is the case, he doesn't hate it. He nods in response, pulling away just enough to wipe his eyes, gaze trained on his feet as he shuffles back into the house, one hand being held by the wrist by Connor the entire way there.

 

\--

 

When Evan’s finally collapsing into the couch beside Connor, all he wants to do is close his eyes, lean into him, and sleep. But just as he pulls his legs up onto the couch next to him and he presses his side into Connor’s, Connor is handing him the tupperware and pulling the lid off before pressing a plastic fork into his hand as well.

 

“It’s still warm. We can talk after you finish it, okay? Eating is more important than I am right now.”

 

Evan wants to argue that. He wants to close his eyes and shake his head, because he can live without food, but he can’t live without Connor, not really. But he takes the fork regardless, silent as he starts on the food, ignoring just how shaky he was as he relaxed against his friend. At some point, he finds that Connor’s looped an arm over his shoulders, and Evan’s made very aware of just how big the sweatshirt feels on him. 

 

But it doesn’t feel wrong. None of it feels wrong.

 

About half way through the container, Evan leans the fork against the edge and leans forward just enough to slide the food onto the table, wiping his face with the sleeve of Connor’s hoodie.

 

He never thought the smell of apples and cigarettes would mix so well, but somehow, Connor Murphy pulls it off.

 

“...Sorry for making a scene.” Evan’s almost shocked by his own voice when he speaks up, but he clears his throat and leans further into Connor’s side, silently counting to ten before he brings himself to continue. “But, um- thanks for- coming to get me, I guess?” There’s a sniffle, and he tugs his legs up a bit more, his head coming down to a rest again Connor’s shoulder. 

 

He really hopes Connor doesn’t mind that. 

 

“I pulled into the driveway and saw you climbing the tree. I wasn’t just gonna ditch.” 

 

“You could have.” 

 

“I  _ wouldn’t _ have, though.”

 

“F-Fair enough.”

 

“When I called out to you, you seriously looked like you were going to fucking fall.” Evan pauses, closing his eyes. For a split second, he feels like he’s going to lose everything he just ate, but he just shrugs. “You know, if you had, and you'd broken a bone, I would’ve fucking done it too.” The statement, as much of a joke as it obviously is, makes Evan go rigid, and Connor sucks in a breath, patting at his arm. “...Sorry.”

 

“It's- fine. You're fine. Please don't, though. I don't want you to- get hurt again.”

 

“I wasn't really planning on it, Evan.” Connor's arm loops tighter around Evan, as if he's being secured against his side, and Evan just leans into it. If it's being offered, who is he to turn that down? 

 

He goes quiet after that, though- presses his face into Connor's shoulder and wraps his arms back around him as if he's the last thing in the world that he actually has. 

 

It takes another few minutes before either of them say anything, and even when they finally do, it's Connor. 

 

“So.” Evan feels a hand move up through his hair, ruffling it again. “Hard time, huh?” 

 

Evan nods, drawing in a sharp breath. “Yeah.”

 

“I know a damn thing or fucking  _ ten _ about hard times, Evan. You're allowed to talk about shit.”

 

“You've told me that before? But, um- it's just- difficult? It's really difficult.”

 

Connor snorts, pushing Evan away for a split second before he snaps back, arm looping around his shoulders. “Things shouldn't be difficult with me.”

 

“...They aren't! Not exactly. It's just- I probably- forgot to take my- stuff today? Maybe that’s all.” Connor shrugs against him. 

 

“Maybe.”

 

He wonders idly how much Connor is buying all of the excuses,or if he is at all. He's the one who said that his excuses are bullshit, anyway, so what's the point in making them? 

 

Evan decides it's the sheer fact that he needs some way for himself to hide.

 

“H-Hey, um- Connor?” Evan doesn’t open his eyes, and he stays completely still- as if he were camouflaging himself by staying put. “You ever- really want to tell someone something, but you  _ can’t _ ? Like, you really, physically, are unable to actually bring yourself to tell them, and you don’t know what to do about it? And it feels. R-Really bad, and it makes you feel kind of gross, but you just... you can’t?”

 

The silence that stretches over them is familiar, but it doesn’t put Evan’s nerves at ease. He can’t help but imagine the expression on Connor’s face as he’s being stared at- he’s probably disappointed, or mad, or upset, and he wouldn’t even be surprised if he just got up and left, really, because that’s probably what he’d do in the situation. 

 

But he doesn’t.

 

Instead, he gets a response, and it’s just as quiet as they’ve been speaking for however long they’ve been sitting there like this. “Yeah, I guess. Why? Nothing’s wrong, is it?”

 

“What? No. What?” Evan shakes his head, feeling his face flush. “I just-... It’s just a hypothetical.”

 

You know, like how you hypothetically might fall head over heels in love with your best friend and aren’t sure how to go about confronting the thought. That kind of hypothetical.

 

Connor shrugs again, and Evan feels him tug his legs up to lean forward against them. “Either way. Just don't forget that you're my best friend just as much as I am yours, Hansen. I care about you.”

 

Evan's answer is a nod. It's slow and steady, but he opens his eyes and turns to look at Connor regardless, wiping his eyes and managing a smile at him. “Thanks, Connor. It means-”

 

Connor shakes his head and tugs him into his side. “A lot. I know.”

 

And that's all that Evan really needs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot that I post today. I was walking through the hall at school and I was almost at class and I was like "Oh, wait, it's Thursday. I update today."  
> And I don't know how I forgot, because I've been so pumped to upload this chapter since I wrote it.
> 
> Enjoy.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan finally gets to hang out with Connor. It's a pretty good day. Mostly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/161426163067/reinvention-chapter-16) link!

Connor doesn't leave that night until Evan's promises to stop being so afraid to talk to him, and Evan doesn't make the promise until Connor agrees to go to school tomorrow.

 

It's an agreement that he's too okay with, and the next morning, he's anything but surprised to find Connor showing up in his driveway just as he walks out the door with his backpack over one shoulder, and Connor’s hoodie still pulled on and zipped up. If Connor wants it back, then so be it, but otherwise, his mind is screaming at him to just keep it on, and keep it as long as he can. Snapping back to reality, however, he looks to the windshield just in time to see Connor waving him over, and Evan shuffles down the porch steps and towards the car. Getting into the passenger seat, he shifts around, putting his backpack in his lap and pulling it against himself. 

 

“Good morning.”

 

“Morning. There’s nothing that great about it,” is Connor’s response, but there’s a smile tugging at the corners of his lips that makes Evan’s stomach flip, and he grins back at him, left wondering if Connor realizes just how perfect his smile really is.

 

He doubts it. Connor continues regardless of whether or not Evan is paying attention. “Listen, if you seriously want me to do this whole ‘going to school’ thing, I don’t think I can survive showing up by myself.” He watches him shift and glance at him before he shrugs, looking out the window as he pulls out of the driveway. Evan just finds himself staring, staring at his hair, and the way that his eyes keep flickering around, before they land on Evan, and he goes rigid.

 

“Uh- I’m- sorry.”

 

“Did you hear anything I just said?”

 

“Yeah, of course I did! Why wouldn’t I have? I listen to you. I always do.”

 

“Fucking great. So, you’d be okay with me picking you up before school, then?” 

 

Evan nods, arms tightening around his backpack. “Of course.” 

 

For the first time this year, things are starting to look up, and it makes Evan smile the entire ride to school.

 

\--

 

Walking into the school with Connor by his side draws more attention than he thought it would. 

 

Sure, everyone by this point knew who Connor Murphy was- it was hard not to, really, but Evan? He really wasn’t all that important whatsoever, and he hated the attention. 

 

Evidently, so did Connor. 

 

The first person who walks up to them is a freshman girl with a card covered in glitter. Evan's the first one to stop, face flushing as he stutters out an apology, but Connor nearly keeps walking. It's the girl to stop him, with a hand on his arm, and Connor recoils. 

 

“H-Hi! Um, you're, like, Connor Murphy, right? My friends and I heard that you… you know. So we made you this card!” She extends the card forward, and Connor stares at it before she pushes it into his hand. “To- let you know that someone always, like, actually cares, and-”

 

“I'm sorry, but do you  _ actually _ know me?” Connor folds the note in half, and in half again. 

 

The girl steps back, expression crumpling. “Oh, um, no, but-”

 

“Then shut the fuck up and tell someone who actually has a reason to think you care, would you?” Evan glances away, as if he's worried that Connor's scolding him, and within a moment, the freshman girl is nodding and scurrying away with a quick apology. 

 

Evan can't figure out what to say before Connor's free hand closes around his forearm and he starts walking again. “People need to mind their own goddamn business for once,” he snaps, and he tears the card in half. Evan nods, sucking in a soft breath before he looks at Connor's hand on his arm.

 

“Y-Yeah,” is his agreement, his fingers twitching against his palm before he sinks his free hand into his pocket, his attention pointed carefully to the ground. “I'm sorry about that. I wish they'd just leave you alone.”

 

“Yeah, see, but they won't. Because they feel like they have some weird fucking obligation to treat the suicide kid like he's made of glass.” Connor looks down at the letter crumpled up in his hand before he drops Evan's arm and makes his way towards a trash can in the hallway. “He's not.”

 

“Not what?”

 

Evan's head snaps up from the fixed gaze he's got on the ground, fingers uncurling from the hem of his shirt, because Jared's standing in front of them now, with his hands on his hips and a grin on his face. He looks Evan up and down.

 

Evan is more than aware of the hoodie, and his face goes red. Connor, on the other hand, crosses his arms against his chest. “Not anything. You're so full of shit that you're starting to hear things.”

 

“Am I? God damn, I must be seeing things, too, or else that means that Evan Hansen is honest to God wearing Connor Murphy’s hoodie.”

 

“Oh, congratulations, your eyes still fucking work, even though your brain doesn't. Impressive accomplishment, Kleinman.”

 

Evan finds himself fidgeting again, shifting in his spot and playing with the sleeves of his hoodie. Connor's hoodie. “Um-”

 

“Aw, hey, thanks, dude. But seriously, Connor’s hoodie? God damn. You two must really be getting it on if you already started wearing each other's clothes. I mean, fuck, dude, you-”

 

“We- We are not! He just- I was  _ cold _ , and, so, we were outside, and-”

 

Connor's hand comes against Evan's back, and he goes silent. Oh. “Jared, just because you can't get laid doesn't mean it's all you have to think about.”

 

“Low blow, man. Are you two sleeping together or not, though? The world's gotta know if the two biggest losers in the school are officially a thing or not.”

 

Evan can't bring himself to look up. He doesn't  _ want _ to look up, and even if he did, he's not sure if he'd actually be able to say anything. So he doesn't. Head still ducked down, he parts from Connor's side, tugging at his sleeves. “I- I think I- have to get to class now. I, um- I'll see you after school, Connor.”

 

Before he can so much as respond, Evan's slipping away, fast-walking down the hall with his shoulders hunched just so that he can get to class before Jared can catch him again. 

 

When he's finally sitting down, he feels his phone vibrate. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls it out to check. 

 

_ “apple orchard after school. u in? meet me at the car.” _

 

He stares at the screen for longer than he thinks he should, but when he replies, it's an affirmative  _ “Okay.” _

 

\--

 

When the final bell rings, Evan follows through with his promise. He hasn’t taken Connor’s sweater off all day, and it’s no exception as he gets into Connor’s car, dumping his backpack into the back seat. 

 

Connor doesn’t even bother to turn to him as he pulls out of the school parking lot, quick to leave the building behind him before he even says anything. “Hey.”

 

Evan’s gaze lifts, flickers over to Connor before he smiles a bit, playing with a string on the cuff of Connor’s hoodie. “Hey,” he echoes, shifting before he buckles himself in, looking out the window.

 

“Missed you at lunch today. Kleinman wouldn’t shut the fuck up, and when my sister showed up, she wouldn’t stop pestering me because I ‘ _ decided _ ’ to show up. Did you just decide not to eat or something?” 

 

“Oh, um- yes? Kind of. I- brought a Poptart in my backpack, so I just kind of- ate that in the library.” Evan’s shoulders shrug up once before he lets them fall, turning back to Connor. “And I kind of didn’t want to deal with Jared again today.”

 

Connor shrugs, as if he’s content with the answer, but there’s a frown tugging at his lips. “You need to eat.”   
  


“I  _ did _ ! I will. I just didn’t want to eat school lunch. Is that so bad? Jared usually winds up eating, like, 90 percent of it anyway, so it doesn’t even really matter all that much, and-”

 

“Let’s grab something from A La Mode. I’ll buy.” 

 

Evan pauses, shaking his head. “No, I promise, it’s fine. We really don’t need to do that.”

 

“Great thing I’m driving then, isn’t it? Because I’m getting you one of those basic fucking vanilla cones that you seem to love so goddamn much. Maybe that’ll calm you down enough before we hit the orchard, yeah? You can just eat it on the way there, as long as you don’t get it all over the car.” Connor’s grinning as he talks, and when he glances at Evan long enough to catch his eye contact, Evan can’t help but smile, too.

 

“Okay- Okay, fine. But- I’m not getting out of the car, and you’ll have to order, and-”

 

“I always do, don’t I?” 

 

The statement is so simple- a simple reminder to a simple gesture, but it makes Evan’s stomach flip in the most giddy way. “...Mm, yeah, you do.”

 

“Great. It’s a plan, then. Wanna turn on the radio?” He gestures to the radio with his chin before he points his attention once again to the road, his eyes focus on some spot off in the distance as he drives. He can’t help but notice how concentrated he looks when he’s driving, and Evan smiles as he turns it to some ‘Top Hits’ countdown.

 

Upon their arrival to A La Mode, Connor parks and slips out without a word, leaving Evan alone for all of three minutes before he returns with, as promised, a vanilla cone, rolled in rainbow sprinkles. That’s one hell of a bonus. Evan quirks an eyebrow at him, snickering before Connor shrugs, rolling his eyes. “They weren’t that much,” he muses in defense, and Evan laughs, taking it from him. 

 

“Well, thanks either way.” He takes a bite- or, a lick, and smiles. It still tastes as good as he can remember it, and he tugs his legs up onto the passenger seat with him. “A lot.”

 

“You keep saying that.”

 

“Because I need to. I just- really need to make sure you get it.” Evan shrugs, relaxing enough into the seat to tip his head back against the headrest. Continuing to eat the ice cream, he stares out the window, watching as they drive past countless fields and barns. The route is so familiar to him now- he's been here enough times that he's memorized it to the point that he's almost positive he could walk there in his sleep. Although, he can't imagine him doing something like that without Connor, and the thought dies faster than it came. 

 

As quiet as these rides can get, it isn't until Evan reaches forward and turns the radio on that it's filled- silence isn't something that he can take right now, comfortable or not. It's made clear to him by the grin across Connor’s lips that he's picked the right CD, and Evan can't help but watch his fingers as they drum against the steering wheel along to the beat. It's something he can't help but find to be endearing, and Evan relaxes once again, fiddling with the hoodie sleeves once he finishes his ice cream cone. 

 

Whatever daze that he's gotten himself into is broken by Connor stopping abruptly, and it clicks to Evan that,  _ oh _ , they're already there. Evan blinks at Connor with wide eyes, having reached the end of his cone by now, taking little bites of it. Connor turns the car off, effectively stopping the music, and Evan takes the moment to speak again. 

 

“...We’re here.”

 

“We're here,” Connor echoes, pulling himself out of the seat and waiting by the front of the car for Evan. Quickly biting into the rest of the cone, he wipes his mouth as he swallows, and only then does he get out of the car, laughing nervously. Connor only rolls his eyes, grabbing his arm again. Evan stumbles, but he follows regardless, mindlessly letting Connor's hand slip down to his wrist. “Wanna go to the tree?”

 

“Oh, um- sure. Yeah, that would be okay, but I don't really know if I want to-”

 

“We don't have to climb it.”

 

Evan glances up at him, having fallen to a steady pace beside him. “Oh. Okay, then, that sounds good,” he pauses, looking down to the grassy field for just a moment before his gaze lifts again. “How was your, um- your day?”

 

Connor glances at him for long enough to hold eye contact, and he laughs, shaking his head. “Seriously? Not great, Hansen, you've gotta know that, at least.” He scoffs, rolls his eyes and smiles at Evan, dropping his grip on his hand in order to shove his hands into his pockets. “That girl wasn't the only one to try and give me something. Do you know how many fucking flowers are in the trunk of my car right now? I don't even  _ like _ flowers, Ev, but they wouldn't fuck off until I took them. I guess not everyone in the school is a damn baby.”

 

Evan nods, pushing his hands into his own pockets to minimize the shaking. “...It's a nice gesture, I guess? But they don't… none of them know you, you know? So it's kind of like-”

 

“Like ‘what are you fucking  _ doing’,  _ right?” Connor pulls a hand out of his pocket to reach up and push it through his hair before he sighs and keeps walking, seemingly set on the tree in the distance. “People I haven't even  _ looked _ at in years keep walking up to me and telling me that if I need anyone to talk to, they're there.” He groans, shaking his head, and Evan can't help but laugh at the notion before he clears his throat and looks down. 

 

“I'm sorry, I know it's not-  _ really  _ funny, but people- um. They'll do anything for attention, I guess.”

 

“Yeah, tell me about it.” 

 

Connor stops in his tracks, turning to Evan before he lowers himself into the grass, stretching his legs out. Evan pauses, watching him before he hesitantly lowers himself to the ground. It's then that Connor lays back, with his arms going out on either side of him. Evan watches carefully, watches his fingers curl and uncurl in the grass before Connor closes his eyes. He really focuses for just a moment on the way that Connor’s hair is going everywhere, and there’s a fleeting thought in his head telling him that it’s probably  _ soft _ .

 

Evan’s expression twists, and he breaks his gaze away again before he shifts away, turning enough to lean back.

 

...And rest his head against Connor Murphy’s chest.

 

The action has him staring up into the sky, watching as clouds roll by, and trying to ignore the heat that’s creeping up his neck and into his cheeks. Hesitant, he brings his arms up to cross them over his chest, foot tapping aimlessly against the air. Evan draws in a little breath, biting hard into his lip before he speaks up. “Is it alright if I..?”

 

“What? No, yeah, you’re- fine.” If he didn’t know any better, Evan would assume just by the sound of the way that Connor’s voice hitches that he’s actually flustered. Is he?

 

“Okay. Alright, cool.” Evan shifts a bit, glancing over at him just enough to try and see his face before he looks back up towards the sky. 

 

They stay like that for what seems like longer than it is before Connor speaks up, bringing an arm up to cross it over his eyes, shielding them from the bright sun above them. “You know, I never did get the chance to ask you if  _ you _ had a good day. You know, despite it all?”

 

“Oh, it was- okay. Quiet after- after I walked away from you and Jared? But-” Connor shifting has Evan breaking off, eyebrows furrowing. “...Other than that, it was. Okay, I guess. I was really looking forward to school being over, though. I’ve kind of really been looking forward to this all day? That doesn’t sound stupid, does it?” He glances over to Connor for reassurance, but he’s only answered with feeling him shake, and Evan feels his chest tighten. “Connor?” 

 

It feels like he’s crying, and Evan almost feels panic settling over him, but then Connor’s hand is lifting, pushing his hair back, and Evan catches the grin on his face. He’s  _ laughing _ , and Evan feels his face go red all over again. “Did- Did I say something wrong?” 

 

That’s the final straw. Connor lets out a sharp laugh, shaking his head as he turns the palm of his other arm up towards the sky, bringing it up to ruffle Evan’s hair. “Are you kidding me?” he wheezed, shaking his head. “Don’t be fucking ridiculous. Oh my god. You were looking  _ forward _ to this? If- all you wanted to do was hang out in an abandoned fucking apple orchard with me, that’s all you needed to say. Holy  _ shit _ .” He’s still laughing while he talks, and Evan can almost pick up on how badly he’s being teased, but he can’t get the blush to go away. 

 

So he doesn’t try. He just looks over towards Connor, focusing instead on the sound of his laugh and the way that his eyes crinkle up. He’s close enough to see every line from his smile, and he’s left for the second time today trying to figure out if Connor knows just how happy that smile makes him. 

 

“I- yes? Because- I like spending time with you?” He pauses, eyes flickering away before they train once again on Connor’s face. “Hey, um. Listen, does it- Does it bother you when Jared teases me like that? I mean, not because he’s teasing me or anything, but because he’s- you know. Dragging you into it, I guess? And I figure that you probably- don’t want to be associated with me like that, even if it wasn’t true?” 

 

Connor is able to make himself stop laughing at that- long enough to turn his attention to Evan and raise an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?” he muses, snorting. “Come on, you can’t seriously be talking about the boyfriend thing, are you? No, the only thing that bothers me is how goddamn stupid Jared Kleinman is. He thinks he’s so smart, and-”

 

“But what if he’s not completely wrong?” Evan’s eyes squeeze shut, his chest feeling particularly tight as his breathing hitches just a bit. “I mean, what if- what if it’s not all wrong? What if, sometimes, I think, that  _ maybe _ , just maybe, there could be- um-  _ something _ , but I can’t be sure what, because I don’t know what’s going on? Because I can’t sort out my own  _ head _ , and maybe it’ll be that that messes everything  _ up _ for me, you know?” He can’t stop rambling- can’t tear his gaze away from Connor, as much as he wishes that he could. 

 

“Evan,  _ whoah _ . What are you talking about? Come on, calm down, don’t work yourself up-”

 

He’s starting to panic, and he’s aware of it, but Connor telling him to calm down is anything but helping right now, because he needs to get this out. With this in the back of his mind, he draws in a sharp breath and squeezes his eyes shut tighter, tugging at the sleeves of Connor’s sweater.

 

“I- think I- I think I’m in love with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE IT IS. There it is, there it is, there it is.  
> The Moment You've All Been Waiting For.  
> It's long and there's a lot but god damn it is Worth It I Swear  
> Also, P.S. if anyone ever gets bored and wants to talk to me you can find me @tearezicryrope on tumblr I'm jussayin
> 
> EDIT:[Here's more fanart I'm in absolute tears](http://emberchii.tumblr.com/post/161441846754/will-i-ever-stop-drawing-art-for-fics-probably)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being in love is hard, and the confession doesn't go exactly as planned. Granted, it wasn't planned at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/161546115472/reinvention-chapter-17) link!

Connor’s frozen. 

 

In fact, Evan's pretty sure that he actually heard his breath stall, but he can't tell. He remains completely still, staring hard at the clouds as they roll by overhead. Maybe he shouldn't have spoken up. He definitely should not have said anything. He shifts, sitting up suddenly and bringing a hand to cover his face.

 

“I- I'm sorry that- was really out of, um, place, and i shouldn't have- I really  _ really _ shouldn't have said that, because there's no way, absolutely no way that you'd- feel like.  _ That _ . For me, too. At all. Because- Because that's just not how things work, it's just  _ not _ .” 

 

His other hand comes up, covering his face completely to try and suck in a few leveling breaths. The absolute last thing he wants is to have a complete breakdown, really, but he can't stop how hard his heart is racing. 

 

Come to think of it, he's pretty sure that Connor's was, too.

 

Peeking through a space in his fingers, he looks to Connor with wide eyes, and he nearly stops breathing altogether. 

 

Connor's sitting up and staring at him, and Evan is positive that he's never seen him turn that color red. Holy hell. “Um. Um. Connor? I- um…” He watches Connor's eyes flicker over towards him, focusing on Evan, who closes his eyes. “I-”

 

“Are you serious?” Evan’s eyes open, and his hands lower, pressing them against his legs and nodding.

 

“Y-Yeah. Yeah, I- wouldn’t lie to you, and- it’s really hard not to love you? I-  _ mean _ .” Evan shakes his head, his fingers pushing up into his hair and tugging at it. “I- I’m sorry, I’m really messing this up, I shouldn’t have even  _ told _ you. I’m  _ so _ sorry.” Suddenly, he’s standing up, his hands shaking as he shoves them into his pockets

 

Connor doesn’t shake his head to disagree. In fact, he doesn’t do anything, he just sits there before he stands up and wipes off his hands against his pants. “Stop apologizing, it’s fine. You’re fine, Hansen.” The break from the silence doesn’t relax him much- in fact, it’s got him more on edge than he was before, because Connor’s not even making eye contact. He’s looking just about anywhere but at him, and Evan’s stomach is turning in the worst ways possible. 

 

“Am I?” Evan manages after a moment. “Because I don’t really feel okay, I don’t think. In fact, it’s just about the opposite of okay. I don’t even feel like I’m standing right now, Connor, how ridiculous is that? You told me I could tell you anything, though, so I did, and now I’m  _ really _ regretting it-”

 

“Shut up.” Connor’s still looking away, but there’s red on his face, across his cheeks, and Evan can’t tear his eyes away from him. “Maybe- we should get home. It’s probably going to get dark soon, anyways. Plus, I don’t want to be that awful of a damn influence on you that I keep you out so late you don’t get to do your homework.”

 

Evan’s still staring. His mouth actually feels like it’s been stuffed with cotton balls, and he wants to argue it. He wants to tell him that no, it doesn’t matter, he  _ wants _ to spend time with him. In fact, he wants to spend the entire day with him, wants to watch the sunset from up in a tree, wants to tell him that he’s anything but a bad influence, and that he’s the only thing that has been keeping him from losing himself for as long as he can remember.

 

What he comes out with, however, is absolutely none of the above. Instead, his gaze drops, and he nods, feeling as though his heart is pounding in his throat as he responds. “Oh. Okay.”

 

Just as he finishes speaking, Connor’s starting to walk away, and Evan follows suit, balling up the fabric of the hoodie that hangs just over where his fingers end and squeezing it, trying to remain as calm as he possibly can during the entire walk back to the car. It’s a short-lived trip- too short, really, and after putting two and two together, Evan resolves that he really,  _ really _ wishes he could learn to keep his mouth shut before he says something that stupid again.

 

\--

 

The car ride home is just as silent as far as conversations go, but Evan is saved from an attack by the rhythmic sound of Connor's fingers tapping the steering wheel along with the beat of the radio. Evan's barely paying attention to the songs, or Connor even- he's just sitting there, with his gaze stuck in his lap, absolutely unwilling to move.

 

Saying anything would feel more than pointless, anyway, so he just sits until they're pulling down his street and into his driveway. Evan realizes just how clammy his hands are when he reaches for the door handle, and he shifts, looking out the window before Connor stops the car.

 

“I’m not mad.”

 

Evan pushes the door open, foot tapping anxiously as he unbuckles the seatbelt. “I know.” A quick glance over to Connor proves that he’s looking anywhere but forward, anywhere but at Evan, and he swallows hard, slipping out of the car and opening the door to the backseat in order to grab his backpack. “I know,” he repeats, putting the back over his shoulder. “Maybe I’ll- No, I’ll- see you tomorrow, yeah? Thanks for- The ice cream.” 

 

Without waiting for a response, he rushes up the steps to his front door and pushes it open, heart pounding all the while. Once he’s inside, he presses his back to the door and draws in a few uneven breaths as he listens to the sound of Connor’s car pulling out of the way, and he can’t bring himself to move until he’s sure that he’s completely gone.

 

Above anything else as he shuffles upstairs to his bedroom and drops his bag on his bed, he can’t believe that he actually did that. Any of it. Laying on his chest, making that confession… It’s all too much for him to handle, and his eyes flicker to the pill bottles on his desk. Dammit. Pursing his lips, he sighs, reaching for one and untwisting the cap with shaky hands before he doles out a dose and pops it in his mouth with a gulp of water. He can almost hear Connor telling him that he doesn’t take good enough care of himself, and the tightness in his chest as he fights the urge to tell imaginary-Connor that  _ he  _ needs to worry about  _ himself _ , too.

 

God, he’s really psyched himself out this time.

 

There’s no time for him to worry about anything else as he pulls his homework out of his backpack, rummaging around for a pen before he puts his phone up on the desk beside the papers. Aimlessly, he taps the pen against the desk a few times in an attempt to calm himself down, closing his eyes and drawing in a deep breath. Homework really isn’t that hard. He can do it without thinking about anything else, it’ll be fine, and maybe then he can just go watch some television. 

 

That, of course, would be the best case scenario, but Evan Hansen knows better than to expect the best case scenario for anything.

 

It takes about two hours for him to finish everything, and it’s mostly on account of the fact that he couldn’t stop thinking about Connor’s face after he’d gone and said that. He can’t stop thinking about the way that he didn’t make eye contact for the rest of the time they were together, or the way that he didn’t say much, and when he did, it sounded like he didn’t  _ believe _ him, or that he was offended at the very least. That, he thinks, is what’s messing with him the most, and the moment that he packs away his now-complete work, he lifts his phone and taps out a message with shaky hands.

 

“ _ Hey Connor. I’m relaly srroy aobut earleir I didn’t mea n to uspet yo u I’m sorry.” _

 

He stares at it for a moment before he groans and backspaces it completely. The spelling errors are almost embarrassing, and if he can’t type it correctly, why type it at all? Puffing out a sigh, he sets the device down, turning from his computer desk to stand up and move to his bed, but as soon as he stands, the phone starts to ring. 

 

And it keeps ringing.

 

Evan Hansen hates phone calls. He hates them more than he hates being called on in class. There’s something about being on the other line of a phone call that just puts him too far on edge, as if the only way to get out is to jump, and he feels his stomach turn as he picks up the phone and finds a picture of Connor with him in a headlock on the screen. 

 

Connor’s  _ calling _ him. He didn’t accidentally send that text, did he? Hesitantly, he brings his thumb up to swipe ‘ _ accept _ ’, and he brings the phone to his ear, breathing anything but calm and collected. 

 

“Hello?” Evan doesn’t respond, merely breathes, in and out, and it’s too heavy and too loud. Connor hears him. “Evan, I know you’re there, it says the call’s going on, and I hear you breathing.”

 

“S--Sorry.” He taps his foot against his desk chair. “I-I’m sorry. Really sorry.”

 

“It’s fine. Come on, I thought you were totally fucking over apologizing to me three times in one sentence.” Connor pauses, and Evan pushes a hand up through his hair, tugging at it nervously. “Anyway, listen, sorry for calling you. I know you fucking hate phone calls, but I kind of needed to call you. Because I know if I’d just texted you, there would be no goddamn way to know if you actually saw it.”

 

“I- I’m sorry, I don’t-”

 

“I need to come over, okay?”

 

Oh. Huh. “...You do?” Evan’s still breathing unevenly, and he hears Connor sigh. 

 

“Yeah, I do. We need to talk. I’m gonna get in my car now, I just wanted to give you a heads up. Try not to go fucking climb a tree before I get there, alright? Maybe just wait around for me.” 

 

Evan nods, but before he can respond, the line goes dead, and he’s left staring out his window with his mouth open. Great. ‘We need to talk’ is never a good thing to hear. Pulling himself out of his chair, he shuffles downstairs and puts his sneakers back on, fiddling with the hem of his shirt as he leaves the house and promptly takes a seat on his front step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL THOUGHT I'D END THIS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER? heLL NAW,,, >:3c


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan's worries are finally put at ease. Sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/161674584482/reinvention-chapter-18) link!

After some odd five minutes, Connor sure enough pulls into Evan’s driveway, and Evan is forced to break his gaze from the ground. As short of a time period as it was, Evan has seemingly gone through every possible bad scenario in his head. Connor’s going to tell him to never talk to him again, Connor’s going to tell him that he’s insane for loving him, Connor’s going to tell him that he could never, ever love someone like Evan, because he’s  _ Evan _ , and-

 

“Hey, Hansen,” 

 

Evan straights up, face going pink as his gaze lifts up to his friend. “H-Hey!” He rubs the back of his neck, pressing his legs together before he looks down again. “Didn’t- expect to see you again today. Hey.”

 

Connor shrugs, taking a seat beside Evan before he presses an elbow into his knee, leaning his chin against his palm. “Yeah, well, see, I’ve been thinking.”

 

“You’ve- been… thinking?” Evan can practically feel Connor rolling his eyes, and he winces, looking down at the ground again. “...Sorry, I’m just- repeating what you say, a-and that’s- not really… That’s annoying. I’m annoying. Sorry.”

 

There’s a sigh beside him, and as he lifts his gaze, he finds Connor staring up towards the sky. “You aren’t annoying, Hansen, come on, drop that. I’ve just-” Drawing in a sharp breath, Connor pushes his hair back. “I’ve been thinking about… Ugh. Okay. Listen, how- long have you…” Connor shifts, leaning over himself a bit before he turns to Evan and sighs again. “How long have you known that you felt like that?”

 

Evan’s positive that his jaw drops completely, and he moves swiftly to correct himself, shifting around to rest his chin in his palm, forcing a laugh. “What? What are you- talking about? I don’t think I’m really p-picking up what you’re putting down here, Connor, d-do you mind, um. Clarifying? Because- because I-”

 

Connor moves a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose, and he shifts, shaking his head. “You told me you loved me, Evan, you can’t just take that back.” 

 

Evan’s stomach sinks like a brick. “Oh, haha… Yeah, I guess I did say that, didn’t I? Wow. Um…” He looks away, his throat suddenly tight. “I’m sorry about that. I shouldn’t have said anything, I know that’s a lot of pressure, and you’re really, really my best friend, but-”

 

He’s cut off sharply as Connor snaps back at him, turning to him completely to meet his gaze, and Evan is almost positive that he’s never seen Connor look so  _ small _ . “I didn’t say I had a fucking  _ problem _ with it, Evan, did I? I just need you to fucking tell me what the hell I did for you to actually fall for some dipshit like me.” 

 

Evan sucks in an uneven breath, looking down before he looks back up at him. “At the, um- the orchard. The- night that you came back from the hospital? That’s when I… It kind of hit me, I guess? Which sounds really, really stupid, and I’m sorry, but…”

 

He watches what seems like a moment of clarification flicker across Connor's face. His expression is flat, but then it's confused, and his eyes widen, turning to look at Evan in disbelief. “You started acting fucking weird after that.”

 

“O-Oh, I. Um. I know. I already apologized for that, though, and I think if I do it again that you might punch me or something.”

 

“Dumbass, I'm not going to punch you. But- for fuck's sake, Evan, is that why you ig _ nored _ me?”

 

Evan shrinks back, looks around and away, towards the moon rising in the sky. The sun really does set early in the fall. “...It might be? If it is, what would- would you be mad?”

 

There are a few moments in his life when Evan can remember feeling this nervous, but this has got to be the first time that he feels like he might actually pass out. Or throw up. Or, hey, why not both? Because that seems like both an incredibly plausible and acceptable thing to do right now, while Connor looks at him like he's the only thing in the world, and Evan knows that he's just going to wind up being crushed. 

 

That being said, “I don't think I can even bring myself to be mad at you,” is just about one of the last things that he would expect to hear, but when he completely processes the words, Evan sucks in a breath. Wind blows by, pushing Connor's hair in every which direction, and the only thing keeping it from going right in his face is a hand he's got held up and pushed through it.

 

Evan decides that this view is probably better than the stars right now, and he musters an ‘oh’.

 

Silence lingers over them once again, and there's nothing that Evan can think to say before he finally settles on an actual response. “Well, then, um. Yeah. It is. Why I ignored you, I mean. I was scared that- that I'd spill it? And- ha, would you look at that, it's exactly what I did. So it didn't work, and I just keep on messing everything up, over and over again, because I'm  _ exhausting _ , and-”

 

Connor groans, and Evan watches his head tip back., “Evan, shut  _ up _ . Calm down. I-  _ really _ like you too, okay?”

 

“ _ What _ ?” Evan practically chokes, turning to him with wide eyes. “You- you're  _ gay _ ?”

 

Under the light of the porch, Connor's cheeks turning pink is too visible, and he brings a hand up to press it to his face. “Oh my  _ god _ .”

 

“I-I mean- wow, okay, that was a s-stupid thing to say, I, um, of course- that's… And I am too, I guess? I mean, kind of, I- still  _ liked _ \- you know. But that's past tense, liked, because I don't l-like her, and I like you. A lot. Like, wow, and-”

 

“You're  _ rambling _ .”

 

“I-I ramble when I'm nervous! You know that.”

 

“Why the hell are you nervous?” Connor's picking at his nailpolish, and Evan realizes that he's shaking. Holy hell. “You literally have no fucking reason to be nervous. At all. Because- I already told you that I lo-  _ like _ you too, so then there shouldn't be a problem.”

 

This can't be happening. 

 

Evan's foot taps against the porch steps, and he goes quiet before he turns sharply, looking towards Connor. Without a second thought, he leans in. 

 

Sometimes you're absolutely positive that you know what you're doing, and this was anything but one of those times. In fact, it's just about the furthest thing from one of those times, but Evan's got his lips against Connor's, and his eyes are squeezed shut. There's a solid second of stillness before he feels Connor pull away, and when Evan's eyes open, he finds that Connor's are  _ wide _ , and there's a steady blush rising up his neck and into his cheeks. 

 

“...Oh my god. Oh my  _ God _ .” Evan raises a hand to cover his mouth as he speaks, his lips tingling. He absolutely did not expect Connor's lips to be that soft, but they are, and Evan can't break the eye contact that he's got on Connor, who's still staring at him as though there's no thought left in his head whatsoever. As though he’s short-circuiting, and Connor Murphy no longer inhabits this plane of existence.

 

Taking a breath in, Evan stands up, his head ducking down as his shoulders hunch. “ _ Wow _ , I’m sorry! I’m gonna- go now. It was real nice seeing you, but-” He breaks off as he feels fingers wrap around his wrist, and he turns a little bit, chewing at his lower lip.

 

Connor’s still sitting in the same spot, his jaw set as he looks away, fingers tightening around Evan’s wrist. “Wait,” he manages, and Evan pauses, blinking at him. “Do you mind if I, uh- Stick around?” 

 

Well, Connor Murphy is just  _ full _ of surprises. Evan watches him, eyes flickering over just how wide his eyes are, and how red his cheeks are. He looks embarrassed, and Evan can’t figure out if it’s because he was just kissed or what. Instead of giving a straight answer on the matter, Evan blinks again. “Um- what?”

 

The response gets a sigh from Connor before he begrudgingly tears his gaze from the pathway to Evan’s porch, locking eyes with him. “I was hoping I could stick around. Is that  _ okay _ with you, or not?”

 

“It’s- it’s almost- I was probably going to go to bed soon, it’s, um, getting late? Is that okay with  _ you _ ? I- mean, of course it’s okay with me, because you’re always welcome to stay over, you know that, I think, but- things haven’t changed, have they? Because, they don’t have to, especially if you don’t want them to, and-” Connor tugs on Evan’s hand to drag him back down, and Evan stumbles and stoops down. 

 

“It’s fine,” is what Connor tells him, his voice knocked down about three levels of volume, and Evan nods slowly, drawing in a little breath and holding it for long enough to feel his face heat up. “Evan, seriously, fucking nothing needs to be different. Even if we wind up-”

 

“ _ Dating _ ?” 

 

Connor promptly drags his free hand through his hair and down his face. “ _ Yeah _ , sure. That.”

 

There’s another prolonged moment of silence before Evan nods and stands back up, letting Connor tug himself up by using his hand before Evan pulls his hand away anxiously and wipes it off on his pants, trying to ignore just how sweaty his palms have gotten. His nose crinkles as he turns to open the door, letting Connor in before pulling it shut.  “Um- just one thing?” 

 

He watches as Connor turns to him and raises an eyebrow, and that’s when he allows himself to keep going, picking at a loose string on his shirt. “...You, um- Would it be okay if you- sleep on the couch? Is that alright?” All at once, Connor’s expression falls flat, eyes narrowing at him.

 

“Evan.”

 

“Um- yeah?”

 

“I always do that.”

 

Shifting in his spot, his shoulders raise up a bit, as if he’s defending himself. “I know you do.”

 

“So why would this be  _ any  _ fucking different?" “

 

I-I don’t know!” His head ducks down again, and there’s a burning in the back of his throat that makes him feel like he’s going to lose it any second now. Truth be told, he’s terrified. Everything in his head is screaming at him that he’s going to mess this up, too. He’s going to ruin everything they  _ have _ with things that they  _ could _ be, and it makes him feel like he’s going to scream, but then there’s an arm around his shoulders, and it clicks that Connor’s beside him, letting out a puff of breath.

 

“Well, great, because I don’t either. Let’s just go sit down and watch a goddamn movie, okay? Try to keep breathing right. Did you take your shit today? They’re there to actually help you, you know, and-”

 

“ _ Yes _ . I did. I-” He pauses, letting himself be tugged down onto the couch. How does one say ‘yes, imaginary-you reminded me to’ without sounding absolutely crazy? Puffing out a sigh, he shrugs. “I remembered to when I got home,” he decides on, pulling his knees up to his chest. The answer seems to be enough to Connor, who’s already kicked his shoes off and made himself comfortable by leaning into Evan’s side with his feet on the arm of the couch, remote in hand, and clicking through channel after channel of various programs, commercials, and the like.

 

“Hm. Good to hear.” Evan nods again, looking over to Connor before his gaze relaxes on the television, and it’s not until then that he realizes that Connor’s right. Of course he’s right. There’s nothing that he’s ever been wrong about, at least, concerning anything between them. They don’t  _ have _ to change. Thinking that they have to change is just a stupid thought- it’s pent up anxiety, and the disbelief that someone like Connor would even like someone like Evan. 

 

He sinks further into the couch, leaning forward against himself as Connor finally settles on some action movie from the 80s, and when he falls asleep that night, the last thing on his mind is how much better it feels to have gotten all of this off of his chest. It's lost somewhere among thoughts of just how comfortable it is to fall asleep leaning against Connor. 

 

For the first time, he can't find anything screaming at him that he's doing something wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan Hansen is bisexual and nothing else matters sorry guys I don't make the rules. 
> 
> Sorry about all those cliff hangers, wow (she lied) I hope this was worth it
> 
> P. S. Sorry chapter 18 was a few hours late I was out all day oops
> 
> P.P.S. [anOTHER FANART??? A COMIC??? I'M STILL CRYING??](http://caeliau.tumblr.com/post/161740455359/hey-so-tearezicryrope-i-made-a-comic-for-chapter) link!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan Hansen has left the frying pan and gone straight into the metaphorical fryer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/161778151797/reinvention-chapter-19) link!

There is nothing in the world that could prepare someone for what it's like to wake up with someone half on top of you without entirely remembering falling asleep in the first place.

 

Especially if that person is your best friend who you may or may not be dating now, and you feel like you can't breathe. Evan Hansen has left the frying pan and gone straight into the metaphorical fryer, because he's now lying still with his face burning red. If he could, he'd move- shift away and act like nothing happened, but he can't. Connor’s arm is looped around him, and his face is pressed hard into Evan’s shoulder, and Evan remains just as still as he possibly can even though he knows completely well that Connor is one of the heaviest sleepers that he’s ever met.

 

But even so, he remains still, and silent, until he musters up the courage to straighten himself up and loop an arm over Connor’s shoulders, glancing out the window before he shakes him. “Um- Connor?” he whispers, his voice low as he shifts, turning to him more. “Connor? Can- you wake up, please?” He shifts again before delivering a gentle nudge into his side, and it’s only then that Connor actually moves.

 

At first, it’s a groan, and Evan feels his face being pulled out of Evan’s shoulder. Great. He takes a deep breath in. “Are- you up?”

 

“Don’t want to be,” is Connor’s response, and he swears that he feels the arm around him tighten. His stomach flips, hastily looking aside.

 

“Oh- um. Um. I- guess I don’t want to be, either? But- the sun’s up, so I think we… kind of have to. For school, you know?”

 

He hears Connor snort before his arm tightens around him again, and Evan can’t help it when he lets out a noise that’s somewhere between a whine and a groan. Whatever it was, it was embarrassing, and his face heats up as he tries to listen to whatever Connor’s saying.

 

“Mm, yeah, or we could just- _not_ do that.”

 

“I- mean, yeah, you aren’t wrong, Connor, but I really don’t think we should just _skip_ , because what if they find out, and then I’ll get in trouble, and your parents will get mad, and my mom’ll _disown_ me, probably, and then it would just be a mess and I wouldn’t ever be able to see you again because I’d be shipped off to _boarding_ school, and-” He’s cut off to suck in a deep breath, ignoring the pounding in his head. That was too much for this early in the morning, and it’s apparently just as evident to Connor, because Evan feels a hand cup over his mouth, and his eyes flicker aside to see Connor glaring at him, rubbing at his own eyes with his free hand.

 

“You’re going to worry yourself sick and it’s not even eight in the fucking morning,” Connor mumbles, lowering his hand from Evan’s face when he’s sure that he’s not going to start hyperventilating. “We don’t have to skip, but I don’t feel like going home, so I’m not changing.” Evan nods, watching as Connor pulls himself away from Evan, who in turn drops his legs from the couch and stretches out. There’s a numbness spreading up his legs from them being pulled up all night, and he nods.

 

“...Okay. Do you- need to shower or anything? Because- I do, if you don’t mind, and…”

 

“It’s fine, go for it. I showered before I came over.” Connor’s still rubbing his eyes as Evan stands, and he nods, shuffling off to his bedroom to grab a new pair of clothes before heading off to shower. There’s a steady, concentrated frown on his lips as he strips down and steps in, and the only thought in his mind while he washes his hair is that everything that happened last night feels like a dream.

 

\--

 

By the time he gets out of the shower, he’s drying himself off and trying to tug on clothes at the same time for the sheer fact that he’s scared he’s going to make the both of them late for school. As he’s hopping back into his bedroom with one leg through his khakis, however, it dawns on him upon seeing the alarm clock by his bed that they’ve still got plenty of time to just relax before they even have to leave. The feeling that settles over him is one of relief, and he finally finishes tugging his clothes on before grabbing his backpack and hoofing it back downstairs, where Connor is sitting on his couch with a bowl of cereal.

 

He speaks from around a mouth full of Cheerios, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand after swallowing. “Hey.” Evan looks at him carefully, notes that his hair is pulled into a bun, and he smiles. Making his way over, he falls into the couch beside him, letting his backpack drop at his feet.

 

“H-Hey. Um. Sorry if I took too long- you found breakfast, I guess?”  
  
Connor nods, lifting another spoonful to his mouth, waiting to swallow before he speaks up again. “S’good. Your hair’s still fucking soaked, though,” he mumbles, raising a hand to ruffle through Evan’s hair. He shrinks under the touch, his nose crinkling up before he shrugs, looking down, and Connor keeps talking. “You passed out pretty damn early last night, you know. I thought about trying to wake you up, but you looked really comfortable, so…”

 

“Oh- no, no, it’s okay. I, um- I think I was? And that’s why I fell asleep so quickly. I mean, that would make sense, right?”

 

“A fuck ton of it, yeah.” Connor tips the bowl back, drinking the milk before he pushes it onto the coffee table. “I guess I was too.”

 

Evan nods quickly, his gaze falling from Connor before he clears his throat and straightens up. “Can I- ask you something?”

 

“Whatever you want. You don't have to fucking ask.”

 

Evan's gaze flickers back to Connor, and without too long of a moment of hesitation, he leans over and presses a kiss to Connor's lips. It's quick, fast and over within a second as he tugs away to gauge the look on Connor's face.

 

Result: shocked. Absolutely shocked, in every sense of the word, and his cheeks are that same shade of pink that they'd turned last night, sitting under the light of his porch. On top of that, he's just as still as he was last night, and the thought has his stomach doing flips.

 

“So, um- the q-question was- it was if, um- if that…”

 

He doesn't get the chance to finish his sentence before there's a hand wrapped around his wrist, and Connor's lips are being pressed against his own, and his breath stills in his throat. That is not the response he expected.

 

It isn't until he brings a hand to press against Connor’s that he breaks away, and Evan goes silent, searching Connor's face. He's sure that his breathing is far too offbeat to be normal, too hard and fast, and he's pretty sure he's going to start hyperventilating if he doesn't get himself under control.

 

He just kissed Connor Murphy again, Connor Murphy kissed him _back,_ and his head is pounding. “I- um! Was gonna ask- if you- if that was- _okay_ , you know since- s-since we, um. Are- Since we- u-um…”

 

“Since we _what?_ ” Connor finally speaks up, his voice shaky. Evan hesitates, pauses long enough to really focus on Connor’s hand, and he realizes that that’s shaking too. After a moment, he’s looking back up.

 

“Was it- okay- to do that?” he finally manages, fighting to hold eye contact with Connor. “...I mean, you s-seemed...  Okay with it, at least. Were you? I- um…”

 

The fingers tighten around his wrist, and suddenly the hand that’s beneath his flips over, and Connor’s fingers are being pushed through his. It’s a strange feeling, and Evan swears there’s a wave of nausea that hits him square in the gut at the action, but he ignores it to his best ability. “Evan.” Connor’s voice gets to him before he can say anything else, and he nods in response, squeezing his hand like it’s the only thing anchoring him to the couch, or the world. “I told you I love you, didn’t I?”

 

No. No, he didn’t, actually, and that totally just threw him for a loop that he wasn’t expecting. His mouth goes dry again, and without actually putting his thoughts together, he’s leaning in hard and fast, wrenching his hand from Connor’s grip on his wrist and wrapping his arm hard around his back. “No?” he chokes out, his voice muffled by the way that he’s suddenly got his face buried in Connor’s shoulder.

 

Not before long, he feels a hand come up and press to his back in response, rubbing a half circle into it. “Well, fuck. Fuck it, then, because-”

 

“Because _what_ ?” Evan hugs him tighter, letting his fingers curl into the material of Connor’s jacket. He takes a few deep breaths in, trying to balance himself somewhere between breathing and preoccupying himself with whatever the hell Connor smells like today. “Because- Because I can’t figure out- why you’d l-love me, I just can’t, because you’re _you_ and I’m _me_ , and I’m a mess!”

 

“We’re both a goddamn mess.” There’s a hand in Evan’s hair, and he still feels like he can’t breathe. Nothing’s helping, and they have to leave for school in the next ten minutes. God, he doesn’t want to go to school. Connor just tugs him closer, and for a second Evan’s sure that he’s practically rocking him, but he can’t be bothered to care. “So why the fuck would I care if you’re a mess, too? That’s stupid- that’s fucking stupid, Evan, and you aren’t stupid.”

 

Evan’s response is a nod, stiff and slow as he’s tugged closer. This is closer than he’s ever than he can remember he’s gotten with Connor, at least that's what it feels like, and it makes his head spin, because he doesn’t think he wants it to end. Suddenly, he's too conscious of his heart racing in his chest, too curious if Connor can feel it, and he shrinks back. “I-I’m sorry. I'm sorry, I-”

 

He feels Connor's arms drop from around him, but before he can pull back completely, there are cold hands on his face, and Evan's blinking away tears and trying to focus on him.

 

“Stop apologizing. You don't need to be sorry for liking me. That's just about the fucking last thing you need to be doing.”

 

“But I-”

 

Connor shakes his head, thumbs running over Evan's cheeks. This is too much. It's way too much for him, and he can't figure out two from two right now. Instead, his head is spinning, and he moves his hands up to Connor's wrists.

 

“ _Connor,_ I don't get it, I really, really don't get it, because there's nothing- nothing good about me, at all, and I don't know how you can j-just look past the crying, and the s-stuttering, and just how _awful_ I am, because there is absolutely _nothing_ good, everything's the worst, and if you have to see that, then you'll leave too! Just like everyone, and I'll be alone, and-”

 

He's rambling hard, and he has no plan to stop- mostly because he doesn't think he could if he tried. Judging by the look on Connor's face, he knows completely well that he's used to this, but it's not making it any easier.

 

“Evan, I get it, okay? I really fucking do, but do me a favor and just cut it out. You mean more to me than I've ever fucking meant to myself.”

 

That shuts him up. Evan's chin tips up, and he sniffles, wiping his eyes as he drops Connor's hands. “...T-That’s-”

 

“So we aren't all that different. You get that, right?”

 

Evan's nod is enough of an answer, and Connor finally tugs back and away from him. “Great. So, are we going to go to school or not, Hansen?”

 

There's a moment of hesitation that lasts too long before Evan draws in a little breath to respond. “...Mm, yeah. I'm ready.”

 

As soon as Connor's pulling Evan to his feet, he watches him nod, and neither one of them say a word about their intertwined hands as they walk out to the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to call this entire section of the fic "Pining Hell" because they both love each other but neither one of them are 100% piecing it together.
> 
> Just like always, though, y'all can feel free to keep reaching out to me or talking to me if you want to?? My tumblr is @tearezicryrope and I love talking
> 
> And also, wow, I hit 1000 kudos and 10000 views and defrgthyj I'm just. I'm in fucking tears it means so much thank you all.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Try not to let Jared get to you today.”
> 
>  
> 
> “I won’t.”
> 
> (He does.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/161892607792/reinvention-chapter-20) link!

“Hey, Evan, listen.”

 

Evan’s gaze lifts and flickers over to Connor from his spot in the passenger seat, fingers wrapped around the door handle. The entire ride to school was silent- awkward in some point or another, but comfortable in a way that he couldn’t wrap his head around.

 

“Mmh, yeah?” He’s finally calmed down, thank god, but it still feels… odd. As if the conversation was cut off at a point that was far too soon, sooner than it should have been, because Evan's still left wondering if they're _together_ or not.

 

And the last thing he wants to do is make assumptions.

 

“Do me a favor?” Evan’s head turns and looks at him carefully before he raises an eyebrow. “Try not to let Jared get to you today.”  


“I won’t.”

  
  
“I’m serious.”

 

Evan’s hand drops from the door handle, curling into a loose fist against his knee. “I know! And I w-won’t. Probably. I’ll try not to? Um.”

 

Connor pulls his hands from the wheel, reaching over to clap Evan on the shoulder. “If he tries to fuck with you, I’ll shoot him down, alright? It’ll be fine.” Evan tenses at the touch, but he manages a smile as soon as he realizes that Connor’s grinning at him, and he nods.

 

“Okay,” he mumbles, shrinking out from Connor’s touch. “But- can we-... We should go in now, probably? I don’t want to be late, and-”

 

Connor’s already turning the car off as Evan speaks, and he nods before he gets out. Evan’s quick to follow him, rushing around the car to follow Connor as he heads into the school.

 

\--

 

They’re just about to reach Evan’s locker when they are promptly stopped by Jared Kleinman, with crossed arms as he leans back against the lockers.

 

“Well, look who decided to show up!” Jared beams at the both of them, his hands dropping to find places on his hips. “It took you long enough. I mean, I’ve been waiting here for, like, ten minutes, easily. I should’ve brought a damn sleeping bag.”

 

Evan shifts, practically hiding behind Connor as Jared goes on, shoving his hands into his pockets and rocking back on his heels. “Um- it didn’t take that long, we aren’t even late or anything, you’re just- you were just early.” His words are rushed together towards the end, his focus flickering away and towards the tiles beneath his feet. The response he get is nothing like what he wanted, but it should be expected from Jared.

 

“Oh, come on, don't be so scared. Why the fuck are you hiding?” Jared cranes his neck to look at Evan, shooting Connor a glance before looking back at him. “Seriously. What, is your boyfriend your actual body guard now, too?” He laughs, pushing his glasses up before crossing his arms again. “Incredible. This is too good.”

 

Before Evan can speak up, defend himself, fight back that _no, he isn't my boyfriend, I don't like him like that_ , he stops. His eyes lock on the ground, and that nauseous feeling comes back, feeling as though he's unable to move. He can't move. His fingers curl into fists in his pockets, and he draws in a breath through his nose.

 

But then Connor's talking.

 

“Yeah, I am.” He doesn't deny it. He doesn't deny the label, and it has Evan's head reeling. “You really are god damn obnoxious, aren't you, Kleinman? Could your head be any further up your ass?”

 

Evan’s eyes have since locked on him, held eye contact with the back of his head as if that's the only place he can look. He can only imagine how stupid he looks with his eyes so wide, and that's when he feels the red spreading to his cheeks. He shuffles back, pulling a hand out of his pocket to reach forward and grab Connor's wrist.

 

“Connor, I-I just remembered I- um… I don't need anything from my- my locker today, we should go. We can go. Please?” It's a lie- he needs his book, but he'd rather go through class without it than do this.

 

“We can go when Kleinman stops being an asshole.”

 

“Aw, well fuck, Murphy, you're gonna be here for a damn while, then.” Jared flashes Connor a grin, and Evan catches his eyes flickering over to him, lips curling up into a smirk. “Have fun sucking each other off in the bathroom or whatever.”

 

Evan feels his heart sink to his stomach just as he feels Connor's fingers curl into a fist. “ _Jared-_ ”

 

He shrugs, turning to walk away as he waves a hand in the air, laughing. “ _What_ ever! Bye. See you in class, Evan.”

 

As he walks off, leaving them standing there in silence, Evan feels Connor's hand move down, and he locks his hand with Evan's. “Let's go,” he decides, tugging Evan back in the direction of the entrance of the school.

 

“Um- wait! Go- where, exactly?”

 

“Home. Anywhere that's not here. I don't fucking care.”

 

Evan takes a quick glance around before he sucks in a little breath, biting hard into his lip as he pushes his fingers through Connor's. “I- don't think that's a good idea? I mean, r-respectfully, of course, but really, um- we might get in really big trouble, and- I think you can get through this, Connor.”

 

He watches as Connor's gaze flickers down, focuses on their hands, and lifts back up, his expression relaxing. “The only way I'm going to be able to do _shit_ is if I get my ass out of here.” His hand tightens around Evan's, who in turn holds his breath, looking up at him.

 

“No, I- um. I really think you're strong enough to- to get through it. I know you are. H-He won't leave you alone, really, because he's just trying to get a rise out of you and all? Which sucks, really bad, but that's just h-how he is. He used to tease me all the time? Especially about you, I mean, but also _not_ about you, you know, and- I'm sorry about him, you shouldn't have to deal with him, I'm supposed to do that, and you told me not to let him bother me, so I'm not, but he bothered _you_ , and-”

 

He doesn't stop until he hears Connor sigh, and Evan goes still,because his hand is being squeezed and he can barely breathe. They're in school. This is just about as far from private as they can get, but Connor's still holding his hand, and stepping closer, and within another moment, he's leaning down and locking his arms around him.

 

Oh.

 

Okay.

 

Evan looks behind him with wide eyes, panic pounding at his skull. “Connor?”

 

“Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry.”

 

He sucks in a breath. Why is _he_ apologizing? “Oh, it's fine, I'm- not worried? Just- you aren't embarrassed to be seen with me? I don't- want you to be teased by Jared too, you know, and if that means-”

 

“Dumbass, no, I'm not embarrassed. The only embarrassing thing about any of this is that Kleinman seriously thinks he has any fucking business in any of your shit. Any of it. Whether or not any of it's _true_ , or-”

 

“Is it?” Evan feels Connor tense, and he mentally curses himself. Wrong place, wrong time, absolutely wrong words.

 

“Is what?”

 

“That you’re. My- boyfriend.” The words are sputtered out as if they were stuck in his throat, as if they're the only thing that he can manage to say, and he's not going to be able to say anything else. “Are- are we… are _you_? I- um. Earlier, Jared called you… And you didn’t deny it? But I could just-be-reading-into-things, oh God, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, this was a m-mistake…” He tugs back from Connor, fidgeting with his hands. His breathing is off, and he doesn’t realize just how hard his heart is pounding until Connor’s grabbing his wrist and dragging him off to the bathroom.

 

The moment that the door is shut behind them, Connor’s leaning against the door and grabbing both of Evan’s hands, demanding that he calms down and actually breathes. Evan’s response is a sharp nod, trying to get his breathing under control while Connor squeezes his hands.

 

“I- am breathing!”

 

“Now you fucking are. God dammit. You’re going to lose your fucking mind if you don’t just calm down.” Connor shifts away and tugs him closer by his hands. “You’re panicking.”

 

“I’m not!” He is. He knows he is. Messing things up with Connor is the last thing he wants to do, and yet here he is, and he can’t breathe, and-

 

“Yes, okay?” Connor's talking again, and Evan can't stop staring. “I didn’t deny it because I didn’t want to, because what fucking point is there in telling someone that it’s not true when fuck knows that you’ll freak out over that. I can’t just say something like that when you’re the only god damn person in my life that actually matters to me.” He watches Connor as he speaks, swallowing hard and drawing in a shaky breath. Connor’s pulling a hand out of his just to run a hand through Evan’s hair, and that’s when it clicks, even though it takes him another minute to even out his breathing.

 

“So we’re- We’re- dating? Are we dating? Is that too much to say? I, um- I’m sorry, I don’t want to be too forward or anything, but- but I um…” Evan shifts, looking away before he looks back at Connor, who’s staring at him like he has two heads before he chokes out a laugh and grins at him.

 

“Yeah,” he mumbles, rolling his eyes. It makes Evan’s chest tighten, and he looks at him with wide eyes. “Isn’t this just the most fucking romantic place to say something like that? School bathroom next to a couple of urinals right after you nearly have a damn panic attack.”

 

The final bell rings just as Evan wipes his eyes and lets out a little laugh. “We’re gonna be late,” he mumbles, gently tugging Connor forward and away from the door. “...Thanks for, um- thank you for pulling me aside, I guess? And… Telling me. I think- not knowing might have actually killed me.”

 

Connor's arm locks around his shoulders, ruffling his hair before he opens the door and slips out, Evan following close behind him. There's a fleeting thought in his mind that this isn't bad- it's about the furthest thing from, and he can barely wrap his mind around the fact that supposedly he deserves this, because how would he?

 

“No problem, Ev,” Connor mumbles, fingers brushing against his own as he's led to his class. “Try not to drop on me, though. Don't know what I'd do without you around, Hansen.”

 

It's a simple thing to say, but there's something about it that makes Evan's chest feel like it's going to burst, because he can't think to say anything except for the fact that he feels the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm graduating tomorrow and I'm so god damn excited. My grad cap is [DEH themed](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/161881431942/pthptpthbt-i-keep-adding-to-her-but-i-think-maybe) and I just thought that that was really important to say. It's cool.
> 
> Also, another note that probably won't take place right yet but I've been goin' through a bit of a hard time with writing and stuff and I haven't been writing as much as I want to be and so unless I step that up, uh. Updates might be a little bit more spread out? and I'm so so so sorry I really thought I had a good thing going on but ya girl's gone an' dun fucked up.
> 
> P.S. As always you know where to find me @tearezicryrope on the tungle I love y'all every time I get a message I cry a little


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't take long for Evan or Connor to fall into the swing of things, especially when ‘the swing of things’ isn't much different than what either one of them acted like before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/162008602757/reinvention-chapter-21) link!

It doesn't take long for Evan or Connor to fall into the swing of things, especially when ‘the swing of things’ isn't much different than what either one of them acted like before.

 

If anything, the only difference is how comfortable Evan's able to find himself getting. Personal boundaries feel practically non-existent when Connor collapses into his side after a particularly draining day at school, or when Evan leans over to come to a rest against his shoulder. Or, the occasional peck to the cheek, which is something that took about a week to get used to.

 

By now, he's just amused at the shade of red that paints itself over Connor's face every time he kisses him, or the look that he's given when he pulls away.

 

It's the little things, really, and they're no exception today, with Evan sitting cross-legged on his living room couch and Connor leaning into his side, feet stretched out over the cushions. At some point or another, Evan's hand wound up in his hair, playing with it aimlessly, silent as he brushes through it over and over again.

 

It's just another Thursday afternoon after school, another day that his mom isn't home, and another day where there's seemingly nothing to worry about other than when they should order out, or whether or not Connor plans on going home tonight.

 

There's something about the way that Evan feels Connor's breathing slowly evening out that tips him off to guess that no, he doesn't, and he's not sure if he even plans on getting up. Hesitant, he pulls his fingers from his hair and shakes him gently, fingers pressing loosely into his shoulders.

 

“Connor?” Nothing. He frowns, shakes him again, and shifts. “Hey. Wake up.” Connor remains still, and Evan frowns, flushing indignantly as he looks aside, Connor's cheek still pressed into his shoulder. Since when was he a heavy sleeper during naps like this? Evan huffs and looks away, leaning back once again before he looks down once again at Connor.

 

Over the last few weeks, he's managed to put together a few things that he never quite realized before. Number one is that Connor looks a lot calmer in his sleep. A close second is that he sleeps a lot easier when Connor's around.

 

It's actually almost embarrassing.

 

He’s pretty sure he’s lost count of the times that he’s fallen asleep leaning on his shoulder, or on the car ride back from the orchard, or _school_ , or wherever Connor winds up taking them. Of course, there are the times where Connor falls asleep against him, too, although they're fewer in number.

 

Regardless, it's not something to be forgotten.

 

Evan rakes his fingers once more through his hair before he drops his hand completely, sighing. He'll wake up eventually he figures, and his gaze trains once again on the television. There's only a moment where he's in silence, however, because before he knows it, Connor's shifting and reaching up to pat his shoulder.

 

“You're a great pillow, Hansen.”

 

Evan jumps, eyes widening as he looks back towards Connor, who’s apparently awake now, and he grins nervously. “H-Hey, um, I- Have you been awake for long?”

 

“The first time you shook me,” is the answer he gets as Connor shifts up, rubbing sleep from his eyes and running his fingers back through his hair. It’s been getting longer, Evan realizes, and it makes him smile. “Didn’t think you’d go the extra mile and start fucking petting me.” He snorts, and Evan’s face goes pink. Oops.

 

“I- wasn’t petting you. I was just playing with your hair? It’s soft. And nice. You’re nice.”

 

“Thanks, I guess, but I wasn’t fishing for compliments.” Connor pulls away at that, leaving Evan’s side feeling particularly empty, and cold, but it’s not until Connor’s pushing himself up off of the couch that Evan speaks up.

  
“Wait, where are you going?”

 

“To the bathroom?” Connor stretches out, and Evan’s eyes lock with his torso, because his shirt is lifting up, and- “I have to piss.”

 

Oh. That’s all. “Right. Um- sorry.”

 

“Stop apologizing.”

 

Evan bites at his lower lip, nodding slowly. “Mh- right. No problem. I’m sorry.”

 

Connor scoffs, leaning over to push Evan to the side, smiling at him as he shuffles away. “I said stop apologizing.”

  
Evan’s left in silence on the couch after that, playing with the hem of his shirt as Connor heads off in the direction of the bathroom. Left to think by himself, to wonder just how much Connor really _gets_ \- wonder if he knows that he’s more comfortable with him than he’s ever been with anyone, knows that isn’t just messing around when he tells him how much he cares. Evan idly scratches at his palm, because suddenly everything is itchy and his heart is racing. By the time Connor even returns, he’s managed to curl in on himself, staring blankly at the empty cans of soda lined up along the coffee table.

 

When Connor finally falls back at his side, Evan practically jumps, turning to look at him. His fingers are curled tightly into fists at his sides, and clearly it’s something that Connor notices, because before he can do anything about it, his fingers are ghosting over Evan’s wrist and trailing down to grab his hand- something that Evan feeds into almost immediately.

 

“What’s on your mind, Ev?”

 

Evan scoffs at that, feeling his lips curl up into something of a cross between a grimace and a frown. “It’s not that obvious, is it?”

 

“It doesn’t have to be after knowing you for so long.” Connor’s fingers lace through Evan’s, and Evan feels his heart skip a beat, squeezing it in response. “You curl in on yourself and act like you’re trying to disappear, it’s just a thing you do, and I’ve gotten used to it by now. So, you wanna speak up or not?”

 

“Tempting offer, Connor, but I really don’t know what you w-want me to tell you.”

 

It’s Connor’s turn to make a face and roll his eyes, and it nearly makes Evan let go of his hand and just try to get away, but he doesn’t. Instead, his grip tightens, and he looks pointedly away, frowning. “Whatever you want to tell me. You don’t even _need_ to tell me anything, the offer’s just- there. It’s just there.”

 

Evan's attention turns and focuses on him before he puffs out a breath. “I- haven't told my mom, yet? And I don't know what to do about that because I don't know how to just bring that up? And it's- it's not like she's ever home for long enough for me to say something like that, but I really, really feel like she _should_ know, because you mean a lot to me, like, a _lot_ , and-”

 

Pulling on the hem of his shirt, Evan takes in a few uneven breaths, heart pounding hard in his chest. Connor sighs, shifting closer and locking his free arm around him and tugging him against his chest. He lets himself fall against him, be held, and from there, he's completely silent. As if it's an invitation for Connor to speak, to say _something,_ but he doesn't. At least, not until Evan's breathing finally evens out.

 

“I haven't told my parents, either.”

 

Okay, not comforting. Really not the thing he needed to hear. Evan's breath stalls, and his free hand comes up and around Connor, fingers bunching into his shirt. “You're not making this feel any better, Connor.”

 

“Sorry. I don't know how you want me to comfort you.” He pauses, rubbing Evan's back carefully. “My parents _know_ I'm gay, Evan, I just know damn well what happened last time I actually _liked_ someone, and it wasn't pretty. They don't make it fucking pretty. They chalk it up to some ridiculously fucking big deal, and act like it's the end of the world that their son doesn't like _girls_.” There's an intake of breath and a too-long pause before Connor continues,

 

“But that's me. And my shit parents. Your mom loves you, Ev, she's not gonna give two shits who the fuck you like, is she? You know that.” There's a hand ruffling his hair, and Evan freezes, gaze flickering up to him.

 

“I- guess? But I don't know when to… Or _how_ to. And…”

 

“I'll help you.”

 

Evan groans at that- presses his face into his shoulder and squeezing his hand. “ _Con_ nor…”

 

“I'll stay over again tonight, okay? If your mom's around, we tell her. If not, we tell her some other time. Either way, you'll be fine.” His hand is squeezed again, and he sucks in a little breath, choking out a laugh.

 

“You- you suck at this, you know,” he mumbles to him, and Connor's hand comes up to Evan's face, cupping it as he lets out a laugh. “Like, you _r-really_ suck.”

 

“You don't fucking care, though.” Connor leans in, presses a kiss to Evan's cheek, and chuckles. “I don't think there's been a day in my entire goddamn life when I've been good at comforting you.”

 

“That's not true!” Evan pulls back, an arm moving up and away from Connor in order to fan out to the side for emphasis. “You're- um. Usually the only one who can! Even when I have the really embarrassing, gross attacks, and I wind up throwing up, and you're like ‘Oh, Evan, whatthehell,’ and-”

 

“Okay, o _kay_ , point taken.” Connor laughs, grins so wide at Evan that he can't help but smile back. “Try not to lose your mind.”

 

“I'm not _going_ to!”

 

“You sure as hell look like you're going to, Ev.” The grin is still there, and it’s steady, and Evan’s stomach is doing somersaults. He shifts closer again, reaching up to push the fingers of his free hand through Connor’s hair.

 

The immediate reaction that he gets is one that he isn’t expecting.

 

Within a second’s time, Connor’s fingers are prying out of Evan’s, moving up and curling in the material of his shirt collar. Before he can be bothered to ask questions, Evan’s being kissed, and his eyes are wide, staring hard at Connor, whose eyes are shut tight. Huh. Evan’s hand drops before lifting up to take Connor’s face, and he finally relaxes into the kiss.

 

This is nice. Really nice, actually. Especially when he feels him shift closer, turn, and lower his hands for long enough to push Evan back against the arm of the couch, and- wow, those are teeth. Evan flinches, earning a mumbled apology from Connor as he leans down over him. There’s one hand on his shoulder, and the other one is on the couch, and Evan’s pretty sure that if he opens his eyes, he wouldn’t be able to see straight. Maybe he just needs to breathe.

 

Inhaling sharply through his nose, he shifts to sit up a bit more, just as he pushes his fingers back through Connor’s hair and tugs gently, which is something that has Connor pushing into him maybe a little bit too hard, and Evan realizes that his heart is racing. This is a lot, but judging by the fact that Connor keeps pressing closer, and Evan’s face just keeps getting hotter, he doesn’t mind it in the least. Connor’s teeth graze once again over Evan’s lower lip- something that has Evan slightly less shocked the second time around. Come to think of it, he likes it.

 

He _really_ likes it.

 

In fact, he’s so drawn into it, with one hand pressed against against Connor’s chest, with his fingers curled against his t-shirt, that he can’t focus on anything else around him- especially not the sound of a car in the driveway, or the front door clicking open. With his eyes squeezed shut and Connor tilting his head into the kiss, there’s nothing for him to worry about.

 

Connor Murphy is another story.

 

As much as he’s enjoying this, the second that he chooses to open his eyes is a second too soon, because before he can reverse the mistake, he’s making eye contact with Heidi Hansen from across the living room. There’s only a flash before she’s gone, however, and Connor tugs away from the kiss, leaving his palm against Evan’s shoulder, and noting the look of disappointment that flashes across his expression.

 

“What- are you doing? Did I do- do something wrong?” Evan’s lips curl into a frown, eyes flickering meticulously over Connor’s expression. He’s blushing, he realizes. Hard. And his hands are shaking. Evan’s eyebrows furrow. “Connor?”

  
  
“Okay. So,” is the first thing that Connor says in response- a comment that’s anything but comforting as he lifts himself away from Evan and out of his lap, leaving Evan’s hands to fall into his lap. Connor pats his chest. “Don’t freak out, but- your mom’s home?”

 

Evan’s heart practically stops. “What?”

 

Cursing, Connor grabs his hands again, shaking his head. “I said don’t freak out. So don’t freak out, okay? It’s fine.”

 

Alarms are going off in Evan’s head, screaming at him, blaring that _it’snotokayit’snotokayit’snotokay_ because if Connor knows his mom’s home, that means that she was in here, which means she saw them _making out,_ which means that she knows, and how can he possibly stay calm about this when he can feel Connor’s hands shaking.

 

“How is this _fine_ ?” Evan’s voice cracks, jumps and lifts awkwardly as he leans forward, staring at him. “She wasn’t s-supposed to be home, she’s not supposed to be home. We were just. W-We were- um. We were kissing, and- Oh _God_ , we’re screwed. We’re totally screwed!”

 

“ _Ev_ an, fucking _chill_ , would you?” Connor’s voice is low and hushed, and he squeezes Evan’s hands carefully, looks at him long enough to get his attention and hold eye contact. “I need you to breathe for me, or else I’m going to flip my shit, too, and that wouldn’t be good for either of us.” Connor sucks in a breath, squeezing Evan’s hands again to try and coax him to follow his lead. “Just breathe. It’s just your mom. We’re at your house. You’re safe, you’re fine.”

  
  
Connor keeps talking until the shudder leaves Evan’s breathing, and it isn’t then until Evan can finally speak, eyes glued on Connor’s hands. “We need to- talk to her, I think.”

 

“No shit,” is Connor’s response, grip increasing just enough on Evan’s hands to tug him up once he’s standing. “But, like I said. I’ll help you. And I’ll be right here. If you start to freak out, I’ll do all of the talking, but- s’just your mom.”

 

Nodding stiffly, Evan swallows hard as Connor starts to lead him off to the kitchen, and into what he’s positive is going to be just about the most stressful thing that he’s ever going to go through in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fun one. I really liked writing this one. The next three chapters are complete, but then I am still chipping away. Plz Pray For Her


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had taken Heidi a little while to actually join them, but they've been sitting there together for about three minutes now, and for the entirety of those three minutes, no one has said a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/162125834247/reinvention-chapter-22) link!

Once he’s sitting at the kitchen table, Evan doesn’t tear his gaze from the grain of the wood. His foot is bouncing anxiously underneath the table, his hands resting on his thighs, fingers continuously curling in and out against his pants. Connor is seated to his left, looking at him out of the corner of his eye before his gaze flickers back to Ms. Hansen, who looks like she hasn't slept in three days.

 

It had taken her a little while to actually join them, but they've been sitting there together for about three minutes now, and for the entirety of those three minutes, no one has said a word. By this point, Connor's sure that it's because they can both sense the fact that Evan's about twenty seconds away from a breakdown.

 

So he does what he knows how to do best and reaches over to graze his fingers over Evan's wrist before they close around it and slide down to grab his hand instead- something that makes Evan jump and make a face.

 

“Um!” Evan’s fingers wrap tighter around Connor’s hand, trying to still the shakiness in his own. “M-Mom! I- didn’t know that you were- coming home early today, when did that happen?”

 

Heidi looks up and smiles, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I just thought maybe it would be nice to surprise you,” she murmurs, smiling at Evan and Connor before looking down again. “I didn’t know Connor would be here.”

 

It’s not like it’s an accusation- in fact, it really just seems like an observation, but it makes Evan’s stomach flip and turn in a thousand ways. His gaze turns pointedly down and he swallows hard, still bouncing his leg beneath the table. “I'm sorry,” he mumbles, his fingers curling into tight fists once again. “I'm really s-sorry, um- He's over a lot, you know, because we're- friends. Who- who like to h-hang out and…” _And kiss. And say ‘I love you’. And fall asleep together. And-_

 

He's floundering hard, squeezing Connor's hand as if it's the only thing keeping him together. The pause lasts too long, and Connor looks up at Ms. Hansen, mashing his lips together.

 

“We're dating, Ms. Hansen.”

 

Evan practically chokes on air, but Heidi doesn't budge. She just watches them, eyes glued on Connor before they shift to Evan, and she smiles a bit.

 

“Is it too much to say that I could tell?” Heidi lets out a little laugh, raising a shaking hand to wipe at her eyes. “Get home and see your son on the couch with someone like- that, it's probably the first conclusion to jump to.”

 

“I-I’m sorry! I should've t-told you, I should've said something I-I didn't mean to hide it from you! I just d-didn’t know what t-to do if I… If you didn't-”

 

Heidi sighs, pushing away from the table and circling around to take the seat to his right, laying a hand against Evan's arm. “Why wouldn't I?” is all she says, smiling as Evan leans into her. “Evan, I love you, sweetie, I just want you to be _happy_.” Her eyes move towards Connor again, whose gaze has not lifted from the floor. “He's your best friend.”

 

“I-I know.” Evan swallows thickly, letting his fingers lace through Connor's. “I know he is.” Connor's gaze flickers to their hands, ignoring the dry feeling in his mouth.

 

“And if you're dating, that has no effect on me, does it?” she murmurs, squeezing Evan's shoulder. “I don't _care_ what you are. I'm so proud of you, sweetie. You've been through hell and back, but you’ve come so far.” She glances up towards Connor again, and they make eye contact over Evan’s head, leading Connor to look away again as she speaks. “Both of you have.”

 

Her free hand comes up, brushing Evan's hair out of his face, and Evan collectively loses it. Everything leading up to this moment finally hits him, and he practically doubles over himself, grip tightening on Connor’s hand, everything feeling as though it’s weighing down on him and lifting off of his shoulders at the same time. “I-I’m _sorry_ ,” he chokes out, lifting his free hand to scrub at his eyes. There’s something about this that isn’t as right as he thought that it would be, and maybe it’s the fact that Connor’s still shaking, too, but he tries to focus instead on the fact that his hand is still being squeezed, and his mother is still there, and she _doesn’t hate him_.

 

Evan doesn’t realize that he’s even being hushed until his mother’s hands come up to his cheeks and wipe his tears away. His gaze lifts enough to tug back, wiping his own eyes. “I’m fine,” he argues. “Please, um- I really am,” he mumbled, sniffling. Before he can completely figure out what he’s doing, he’s tugging back from both his mother and Connor, mashing his lips together.

 

“Can we get- pizza tonight? Maybe? If that’s okay with you, mom? I wanna- I think it might be nice? We could watch a- a movie, or- Oh. Is it okay if Connor stays over?” Evan’s voice is still wavering as he speaks, looking quickly to Connor, who meets his gaze with wide eyes.

 

“ _What?_ ”

 

“I- figured I’d ask? Just- because she’s not usually here, you know, and maybe-it-would-be-nice to ask for once?” Evan turns almost completely to him, puffing out a breath in exasperation. “I’d want you to stay over either way, and-”

 

“It’s fine, honey.” Her hand comes over Evan's back, rubbing it before she stands up. “I love you. So much. If someone can make you smile like that, that's what matters.” Nodding towards Connor, she smiles before she slips out of the room. “I'll order pizza in a little while.”

 

Evan nods in response, turning completely to look at Connor once they’re alone. “Are- um. Are you okay?”

 

Connor looks at him silently before he shrugs, hand tightening around Evan's. It's that moment that Evan realizes that they haven't let go of each other's hands since the beginning, and it's the same realization that makes his stomach flip, smiling shakily when Connor speaks. “Dunno.”

 

“Oh. Um. Well. We have time, I think, so if you wanna- go upstairs? If you need to calm down, or anything. Is- Is it because of, um, all of this? Because if it is, and you need to talk, or-”

 

He’s cut off by Connor standing and promptly tugging him to stand beside him. “Let’s go,” is all he says, squeezing his hand yet again as he leads him off. “I need a break.” The few words have Evan nodding in understanding before he stands to his feet and follows him as he’s led up to his bedroom.

 

\--

 

The moment that they’d slipped into the room, Evan is led to his bed, where Connor doesn’t hesitate to tug him down onto the mattress beside him. Evan practically goes still before he feels Connor drop to lay down, and then he’s tugged down again, Connor’s arms locking around him.

 

“Still not okay..?”

 

“Never said that I wasn’t.”

 

“No, but you said you don’t know. Which- Which usually means that you’re not, and you d-don’t want to tell me because you think that it’s gonna make me feel better, somehow, but it doesn’t, it just makes me worry more about you, and-” Evan’s cut off by Connor tugging him closer and pushing his fingers up through his hair.

 

“Okay. _Okay_ , I get it.” He feels Connor’s face press into the top of his head, and Evan shifts closer, arms wrapping around him carefully. “I’m sorry for freaking you out, I guess, Ev, but I’m just- I guess I’m not-...” He sucks in a shaky breath. “I think _I’m_ freaking out.”

 

“What?” Evan’s eyebrows furrow, letting his face duck down against Connor’s shoulder. This isn’t strange to him at this point- he’s used to Connor getting like this during his worse attacks, but he can’t piece together just what the hell is wrong right now. “...Why?”

 

“Stupid question,” is the response he gets, followed by Connor nudging his head with his chin. “I get that your mom’s trying and all, but she just- she seemed so- so. I don’t know. She seemed like she was ready to fucking lose her mind the entire time, it was. Weird? I don’t know! I know things will probably be fine, and maybe _I’m_ reading into this, but- I’m not reading into this, am I?”

 

He’s at a loss for words. Evan doesn’t know what to _say_ , so he just shrugs, and it’s not the answer Connor wants. He knows it’s not. “Um- I’m sorry. I just- don’t know. I’m not sure. She- As long as I’m not being k-kicked out of my house, I don’t really care. She’s not really around much anyway, you know, so it’s not a b-big deal, and it’s not like she’s gonna make you leave, because she loves you, I think? You’re, like, my best friend, she said it herself, and just because we’re- because you’re my. Um.”

 

“Boyfriend.”

  
  
“ _Boyfriend_. Y-Yeah. I, um. That. It’s not a big deal, really? I think- the only one who’d make a big deal of it is- is Jared?”

 

“And my _parents_.”

 

Evan goes rigid. Oh. “Is- that what’s wrong? B-Because if that’s the problem, you- could just… not…”

 

Connor scoffs, and Evan can practically imagine him rolling his eyes despite the fact that his face is anywhere but in sight, and by this point he’s pretty much wrapped around him. “Yeah, because that’s gonna fly when Zoe catches me kissing you in my car in the school parking lot, and she’ll accidentally wind up squealing to mom and dad, who _know_ I’m gay, but it’s not like they _like it_.” Evan can practically feel Connor’s breath hitch and jump, and he presses his tongue to his teeth.

 

“ _Connor,_ come on, no, no, you- you can’t think like that, you-”

 

“I couldn’t just fucking _leave_ you, Evan, even if they fucking wanted me to. I’d sooner ditch the damn house, get high off my ass until I can’t remember it all, and crash in your room for the rest of my fucking life.”

 

“...Would that be so bad?” Evan pulls away from Connor if only slightly, moving a hand up to push Connor’s hair back from his face. “I- mean. Not your parents acting like that? Or- getting that h-high, but… Staying with- me?” Evan tries to swallow the fact that his heart feels like it’s in his throat. “...Maybe?”

 

When Connor finally meets his gaze, Evan bites his lower lip. “...Yes? I mean, fuck, Evan, it’s not like I haven’t just been hanging out here whenever I can for the past- fucking. I don’t know? What’s it been, two fucking months?”

 

“Something like that, yeah?” Evan inches closer, moving his hand to make an attempt to grab one of Connor’s hands- an effort that is completed by Connor meeting him halfway. “...I don’t mind it, though.”

 

“I don’t _either_ , but is this not a problem for you? God dammit, Evan, do you ever think about any of it? At all?”

 

“I-I don’t know if there’s anything for me to think about-”

 

“Like- what the hell would have happened if I hadn’t come _back_ from that night?”

 

Evan’s stomach sinks. “Oh. Um.” Connor’s arms tighten around him again, and Evan moves closer, heart racing in his chest. “I- No? Because- that’s not something good to think about, and I think- I think if I did, I might actually throw up? You not being around is- it’s not really… A thing that I’d ever want to think about, you know, and, so…”

 

“I think about it. Like, a _lot_ , and I think about how fucking stupid it was of me, because I could’ve just called you, I could’ve just shown up, or talked to you in school that day, or _something_ but instead I just- I-” Connor’s breath hitches, eyebrows furrowing, and before he can go on, Evan has a shaky hand on his cheek.

 

“Take a deep breath,” he mumbles, voice wavering as he inches closer. “And- and let it out. Like you tell me to do? In and out, you know, and-” Evan breaks off long enough to squeeze his hand. “Try not to think about that? Because- you’re here now, with me, and we’re fine. Really fine. You’re alive, and so am I, and I _love_ you, and even- even though we’re both big messes and sometimes it f-feels like nothing can go right, at least there’s that… right?”

 

Connor's gaze breaks from Evan's, looking away long enough to put Evan on edge before he nods and folds in closer against him. “Yeah.”

 

“Connor?”

 

“Listen, I just- think I need to take another nap.” Connor shifts again, rolling over just a bit before he pulls Evan flush against himself, tucking his face into his hair. “Don’t try to leave, or I might actually lose my mind.”

 

The words are muffled by Evan’s hair, who just nods, fingers spreading out over his back. “Mm. I won’t.”

 

Connor shifts closer, and Evan doesn't say anything more as he gradually feels him relax against him. Mostly because it’s something that he’s gotten used to by now, but also because he doesn’t want to say anything to set him off. The last thing he wants it to upset him more, to throw him down a spiral, and be the reason that he winds up being marginally less okay than he’s trying to pretend he is.

 

It only takes five minutes, however, for Evan to realize that Connor’s fallen asleep completely, and he resolves to not budge. He can’t bring himself to, actually, because he knows more than anyone that sometimes a nap is just what you need, and he’ll be damned if he’s not there for Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neither of them can catch a break my b my b
> 
> ALSO? Chapter 22 on June 22nd? I love how this worked out.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only point that Evan takes the initiative to actually move is when he receives five texts in rapid succession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/162241440472/reinvention-chapter-23) link

The only point that Evan takes the initiative to actually move is when he receives five texts in rapid succession.

 

“ _oh my fucking god evan”_

 

_“answer your texts for once where the fuck are you i know youre awake probably its fucking 8 pm theres no reason that youd be asleep”_

 

_“i know damn well that youve got the worlds hardest time falling asleep at midnight so why would you be sleeping now just answer me”_

 

_“alana beck says she saw you holding hands with connor murphy in the library today”_

 

_“dude are you actually dating him are you actually fucking gay”_

 

As soon as he reads them, he really wishes that he hadn’t.

 

Evan immediately puts his phone down, drawing in a few breaths before his fingers push against Connor’s back. Is he awake? “Connor? Hey, um- are you..?”

 

He’s answered with Connor nodding, fingers running over Evan’s back in response. “Yeah.”

 

There’s a beat of silence before Evan shifts. “Jared texted me.”

 

“Who gives a shit about what Kleinman has to say?” Connor mimics the movement, rolling onto his back and tossing an arm over his face. Evan's expression crumples. _He does_ , and he doesn't know why.

 

“I don't know. I- Um. I might? Because- I don’t know. Maybe I’m just- scared?” Evan is scared. He knows he’s scared. He’s actually terrified, because if it gets out, and then people start making fun of _him_ … Or if they get on _Connor_ for dating a loser like him, or- or-

 

“Scared of what?” The look on Connor’s face is flat, still as he watches Evan sit up. Evan, who reaches for his phone again and busies himself by looking over the texts again. “Scared of people seeing you with me or something?”

 

“No- No, not like that. I’m scared of- people seeing _you_ with _me_.”

 

“That’s the same fucking thing, Hansen.”

 

Evan feels him bristle- feels Connor’s shoulders hunch up, and Evan sucks in a breath. “Um, no. They aren’t. B-Because… I’m _me_ , you know, and I’m a loser, and if you’re seen with me all of the time- You probably get teased enough already, and being with me won’t help anything, and-”

 

“We’ve _always_ hung out together in school, Evan. This isn’t changing fucking anything. You know that. It hasn’t yet, why the fuck would it just because Jared knows?” Evan takes a hesitant glance in his direction, only to find his expression _hurt_ to some degree, and Evan swallows hard.

 

Oh, no.

 

“I-I don’t know? I don’t know. I just- Please don’t be mad. Connor, I don’t mean it i-in a bad way, I _don’t_ , I, um. I just don’t know how to...  it’s really, really- hard to…”

 

“Give me your phone.”

 

“What?”

 

Before he can look over or even give it to him, Connor is reaching over and pulling the phone from Evan’s hands, tapping away at the screen before moving it up to his ear. Evan can hear the ringing by the sheer fact that they’re so close together, and he falls silent, fingers curling tight around the hem of his shirt.

 

“I’m calling him.”

 

Evan’s stomach flips, reaching over to grab onto Connor’s arm. “What? No- hey. Please don’t do that, you don’t need to do that, just- just hang up, and it’ll be done and fine and we don’t have to deal with him!”

 

Connor’s response is a hand being held up to Evan’s face before he moves it to lock it gently around his shoulders, pulling him hard into his side. The phone rings, rings again, and he hears Jared pick up and scream some greeting into the receiver. Connor winces, pulls the phone away for a moment before he puts it back against his ear.

 

“Hey, asshole.” Connor’s lips mash into a line. “Yes, it’s Connor. Evan’s losing his fucking mind because you- Yes, I’m hanging out with him.” Evan hears Jared’s voice mumble something into the phone, and he feels Connor’s shoulders rise up in a shrug before they lower, and his hand is rubbing at Evan’s shoulder. “Yeah, of course Zoe knows I’m fucking gay.”

 

Evan goes silent- completely still, too- and just _listens_ , because he knows that saying anything is going to set him off and it won’t go well. He just squeezes his eyes shut and pulls his knees up.

 

“No, I know you weren’t expecting that answer- listen, Kleinman, shut the fuck up would you? For two seconds.-- No, that’s not my question to answer.” Connor spares a glance to Evan, long enough to pause before he looks away and rubs his shoulder.

 

“You’re fucking nosy, you know that? He woke me up from a god damn nap because he was freaking out over your stupid fucking texts.- Yes, I was napping with him, _we do that a lot_ , we’re _dating_ , Jared. Are you fucking happy to hear that? I bet you’re fucking _thrilled_ , aren’t you?”

 

Evan can feel Connor tense, and he squirms against his side in order to turn to him just enough, expression alight with concern. “Connor-”

 

Without responding, Connor pulls the phone away from his face and mashes a fingertip against the button to end the call before he’s slamming it against Evan’s desk. Evan winces- physically pulls back and stares at him as if he’s been hit, because _Connor just told Jared_. “He’s a dumbass,” is what Connor seethes out once he’s unclenched his fist enough to not hurt himself. “How the fuck have you put up with him for so long, because I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to do that, and-”

 

“You told him.”

 

Connor groans, pulls away from Evan completely in order to stand up, pacing the room aimlessly before he threads his fingers up through his hair, and tugs. Tugs and tugs until his fingernails are pressing into his palms and making red little crescent moons against his skin. “I _know_ I did, he wouldn’t shut up, he wouldn’t stop _fucking_ talking. I need a smoke. God, I need to fucking smoke.”

 

Evan watches helplessly as Connor paces the bedroom floor, chewing at his lower lip. “You aren’t embarrassed about it?”

 

Connor practically scoffs, or chokes out some sort of laugh, looking towards Evan. “Why would I be _embarrassed_ about it? I _love you,_ Ev, we’ve been _over_ this. I love you, and you said you love me, so why on Earth would I be embarrassed?” His hands are at fists against by his sides, and he turns quickly, landing a fist against Evan’s desk. “Fuck!”

 

Oh, no. No, no, no. Evan scrambles to his feet, reaching forward quickly to grab Connor’s wrist. “Don’t- Don’t hurt yourself, you said it yourself, he’s- a jerk, it doesn’t- m-matter!” Evan tries to smile as best as he can, but it comes out as more of a grimace, and he turns, a shaky hand rising to cup Connor’s face. Connor looks at him with a bit more than just shock, but Evan doesn’t back down- he just moves closer, standing his ground as he inches forward, draws in a breath, and lets it out. Connor, on the other hand, is still stiff, still staring at Evan like he’s got three heads, and Evan chews at his lip.

 

“I’m- sorry. I’m really sorry, Connor, I didn’t mean to- upset you, I just-...” He feels Connor’s hand come up, and his fingers curl around Evan’s wrist. Evan’s gaze flickers away before coming back. “...I’m so- me? I’d be embarrassed if I were dating me. So to think that you- _aren’t_? It’s just kind of, um…”

 

“I’ve known you for years.”

 

“I _know_ you have, but-”

 

“So why would I just now get embarrassed because- because, what, someone sees us holding hands?”

 

“Yeah, but- Connor-”

 

Connor tugs back, lowers his hand from Evan’s and takes a step back. “ _Evan_ ,” he echoes, eyebrows furrowing. “Listen, I don’t care, okay? I really, really could not possibly care any _less_ about if people want to start whispering about that, because for fuck’s sake, it doesn’t even matter to me. The only thing that matters is that- is- you.” His eyes flicker down and away, desperate to focus on something else.

 

Evan inhales, looks at him before he looks out the window. “...Do you want to go sit in your car or- or something? Maybe drive around?”

 

Connor finally glances up after that, focuses on him hard before he nods. “That- might be a good idea.” There’s a brief pause, but then he’s moving towards the door. “I need a smoke,” Connor mumbles, running his fingers through his hair before he leans into Evan’s door to push it open.

 

If Evan weren’t paying so much attention, he wouldn’t have noticed the fact that Connor's still shaking.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm quickly reaching the end of what I have ready oh no oh no oh no I'm sorry guys but I'm really glad you're enjoying and I promise no matter what I won't give up on actually finishing this I think I'm close but I can't tell because I know where I want to end it but I can't figure out how to GET there writing is fucking hard


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan never fails to remember how much he hates it when Connor smokes around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/162353798982/reinvention-chapter-24) link!

Evan never fails to remember how much he hates it when Connor smokes around him.

 

It smells weird and all Evan can think of are the hundreds of anti-drug ads that they were all force-fed during elementary school.

 

But that doesn’t make Evan try to get Connor to stop yet, because there’s something about the way that Connor’s hands stop shaking that tells him he needs it, even if Evan’s sure there are better vices he could find. 

 

Leaning back into the passenger seat, he glances towards Connor. “Do you feel better?”

 

Earning a glance in response from him, Connor lips curl into a smile around his cigarette. “Mm-” he hums, inhaling before he tugs it away, blowing the smoke outside of the open window. “Yeah. Thanks.”

 

Evan nods, gaze locking onto the floor of the car, tapping his foot. “Are we just gonna drive around and do nothing? 

 

“That was the plan, yeah.” Another pause to inhale and subsequently exhale a stream of smoke out the window. Briefly, Evan wonders how- and why- everyone in movies seems to think that smoking is cool, because it's kind of gross. He'd never do it- he knows his mom would probably get upset, because smoking is bad, and then he'd wind up on the streets and  _ how does Connor even buy those, anyway, he's not eighteen yet _ \- “Did you have something better in mind?”

 

Once he's pulled from his thoughts, he jumps, shaking his head. “N-No? I was just asking- driving around wastes gas and stuff?”

 

“We could go to the playground or some shit. It's dark out, I doubt any kids are gonna be there. It's been awhile since I've gone on the swings.”

 

“Oh, um. That might- might be fun. Just, um- the park isn't abandoned, so don't try to smoke-”

 

“I'm not  _ looking _ to get high, Ev.” 

 

Evan's stomach sinks like a brick, eyebrows furrowing. “Right. I'm sorry. Really sorry. Um. I didn't mean to-”

 

Connor laughs, reaching over to tussle Evan's hair. “Calm down. You have nothing to be worried about.” Evan looks up towards him, expression laced with concern before he nods, forcing himself to calm down. Connor says it's okay, and he's smiling and laughing, which  _ means _ that it's okay. 

 

There's absolutely no other way that this could work out. 

 

\--

 

Without giving him time to decide otherwise, Connor pulls into the parking lot of the playground, and Evan tries to get over the fact that he hasn't been here in years. 

 

Connor gets out before he does, shutting the car down and heading around to the passenger side to pull the door open. “You know, if I have to do this every time I drive you around, people are going to think I'm your chauffeur.”

 

“You- don't have to!” Evan straightens up and gets out of the car, drawing a sharp laugh from Connor. “I can get out just fine.”

 

Connor snorts, tossing the remainder of the cigarette on the ground and grinding it into the pavement with his foot. “Alright.” Reaching out, his fingers curl around Evan's hand, squeezing it carefully. “Either way, you need some fresh air.”

 

“I was getting plenty of it in the car with the windows down.”

 

Connor rolls his eyes, looking at Evan before he shakes his head. “Yeah, I’m real sure you loved getting the occasional wave of smoke in your face, Ev. It’s fine. You need to get out of your house every once in awhile.”

 

Evan’s ready to argue that- ready to say that no, he definitely doesn’t need to go outside, and he’s fine inside. He’s fine at home, with Connor, and not outside, but before he can so much as open his mouth, Connor’s already heading over to the old swing set in the mulch.

 

So naturally, he follows.

 

Connor takes a seat on one of the swings as soon as he’s reached it, and Evan’s eyes flicker up to the bars as they let out a halting squeak. He exchanges a look with Connor before he moves closer and sits in the swing beside him, one hand clinging to the chain as the other is raised to his mouth, where he sticks his thumbnail against his teeth. Silence hangs over them, only broken by the chains squeaking against as Connor begins to swing, his fingers drumming aimlessly against the hardened rubber over the chains.

 

“Remember when we used to come here together when we were in middle school?”

 

Evan’s gaze breaks from the mulch to look up towards Connor, a shy smile pulling at the corners of his lips. “Mmh- yeah. I, um- We used to beg someone to bring us.”

  
  
“It was usually your mom,” Connor shoots back, his foot kicking up some of the mulch underneath him before he swings higher. “My parents were either fighting or fucking doing whatever they needed to. Your mom somehow managed to find time between all of the work and stuff-”

 

“-Even though she would always ask if we could just walk, right? What middle schooler wanted to even hang out at the playground?” Evan snorts and laughs, his hand moving to cover his mouth. “What  _ high schooler _ wants to hang out at the playground?”

 

“ _ You _ do. Nothing’s changed, Hansen.” Connor smiles over at him before Evan watches his gaze drop. Watches him focus somewhere on the ground, and keep swinging.

 

Evan falls silent once again, shrugging before he kicks off the ground to start swinging himself, focusing on moving his legs in rhythm. “I dunno,” he mumbles once he’s sort of matching Connor’s pace. “I- think a lot’s changed since then? Especially with us, I mean, but also- also not that much has changed? Because… I don’t know. We’re still friends? Just- more than that, too. And I love you a lot? I guess I loved you before but it was never, like- I never  _ loved _ you loved you, you were just my friend. My only friend. And-”

 

He breaks himself off when he hears Connor snort and he feels fingers swat against his shoulder as he passes Connor. Glancing towards him, Evan finds that Connor’s  _ laughing _ at him, and Evan’s cheeks tint pink. 

 

“What..?” Connor snorts again, shakes his head, and Evan pouts. “Connor,  _ what _ ?” He hates being laughed at, hates the fact that it’s Connor laughing, and he presses his feet into the dirt rut beneath the swing, worn down from years of forced stops.

 

“You’re just-  _ God _ , you really haven’t changed. You haven’t. So what, you realize you’re kind of fucking gay, but that’s not really a- a  _ change _ . That’s just you figuring yourself out.”

 

“But I-” 

  
  
“But nothing, Evan,” Connor snickers, gradually letting himself slow before he’s just swaying, heels balancing themselves in the dirt. His head tilts down, hair falling over his face and obscuring it from Evan’s view. “You’re just so you, you know?”

 

“Um- no? I don’t think I do know, actually. No.”

 

“You’re Evan fucking Hansen. You’re an anxious mess 90% of the time, but you also care more about me than I think anyone has in my entire life.” A beat. Evan draws in a breath. “You just mean a lot to me. Even when I get in one of my- moods, or whatever- and I’m a huge fucking dick to you, you’re still right there, and it’s crazy. Sometimes I feel like I’m just- going to figure out all of this is a joke or something, which is fucking stupid, but…” Connor shrugs a shoulder, raising his head enough to look back at Evan. “It’s- not a joke.”

 

“No. No, of course it isn’t.” Evan’s eyebrows knit together, chewing at his lip. “I wouldn’t, um- dream of it. Dream of hurting you, I mean. Especially not like that, because-” He can barely register the look on Connor’s face, so he leans closer on the swingset, eyes wide. “You- don’t think I’d do that? Do you?”

 

Connor shrugs. “I don’t know. Not on purpose, but- you seriously don’t want people to know, do you?”

 

“Know?”

 

“That we’re together?”

 

“Yeah! Wait-  _ no _ . As- as in, no, I don’t-  _ not _ want people to know. I want people to know that I love you! And that I care about you, and- all of that. But, um- it’s really… I just don’t know if you’d want that? Because- well. Because-”

 

“Because I embarrass you.” Connor sighs and shakes his head, hands raising on the chains. 

 

Evan feels like he’s just about to throw up, but he turns hard on the swing, letting go of the chains to instead reach forward and grab Connor’s face with his hands before he leans in and kisses him. There’s a noise against his mouth that convinces him that maybe moving closer would not be the worst thing in the world to do. So he does, and he immediately regrets it, because he moved too fast, and-

 

“Ow!” Connor’s nose crinkles up, cursing under his breath as he tugs back, raising a hand to his mouth. “God dammit, Evan, come on-”

 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, that was- it wasn’t supposed to happen like- like that, I just wanted to-  _ wow _ , I’m an idiot. I’m really, really sorry, Connor…” Evan groans, a hand raising to Connor’s cheek again, gentler this time. “I- didn’t hurt you, did I?” 

 

Upon watching Connor’s hand fall from his mouth, Evan finds him relatively unscathed, minus the color dusting his cheeks. “No. Fuck, it just hurt, that’s all. What was that for, anyway?” He doesn’t sound mad- that’s good. That’s really good, right?

 

“I was just- I didn’t want to- You were getting it wrong, so I thought that, maybe, it might be a good idea to-...”

  
“That’s just about the oldest one in the fucking book, Evan. How many movies have you been watching lately?” There’s no frown on Connor’s lips, but there’s no smile, either, and Evan can’t stop staring at him.

 

“None! I’m sorry. I don’t want to- to pretend that we aren’t together? And I’m- not embarrassed about you. I’m just embarrassed about myself? I’m sweaty and gross, like, eight times out of ten, and I’m a huge klutz, and if I do something wrong- if I do anything wrong, they’d start laughing at us, they’d laugh at  _ you _ for being with  _ me _ , and- and we’ve  _ been _ over this, haven’t we?” Evan’s breath hitches.

 

“We have been.” Connor shifts, takes Evan’s wrists to lower his hands from his face. “And I told you that you don’t embarrass me.” His fingers push carefully through Evan’s, and he stands from the swing, letting go of Evan’s hands after squeezing them gently. Without another word, he moves over to the play gym, sitting down at the edge of the bridge in order to let his legs dangle over it. Patting around his sweater pocket, he pulls out another cigarette and lights it, taking a puff from it before he holds it by his side. 

 

“I know we have been!” Evan brings his fingers through his hair, hands shaking as he lowers them and pushes himself off of the swing. “But, Connor, it’s not that easy to just- stop worrying, you know, and-” He breaks off as he climbs the rusted metal and takes a seat beside Connor, albeit a few inches away. “...and it’s just- weird, I guess. I’m sorry.” 

 

Connor snorts, looking at Evan before he scoots closer and locks an arm around Evan’s shoulders, in turn allowing him to rest his head against Connor. “I’ve told you, like, at least seventeen times that you don’t have to apologize. Especially not for shit things like this. That’s just your head telling you that you aren’t fucking worth it, and guess what?” Connor shifts closer again, pressing a light kiss against Evan’s temple. “...You are.”

 

Evan’s stomach turns. “Connor.” 

 

“You  _ are _ , Evan.”

 

“Connor,  _ please _ .” 

 

Connor presses another kiss to his forehead before leaving one against Evan’s nose, and he snubs the cigarette out against the play gym, dropping it into the mulch below. “It’s getting cold out,” he mumbles. “Sorry for blowing up. Let’s just- I’m gonna take you home. You probably need to eat or whatever, and I’m sure the pizza’s at your house already,” he mumbles, nudging Evan before he pulls away from him completely, hopping down the few feet from his spot.

 

Evan straightens up, swallowing hard as Connor pulls away from him, and he immediately scrambles to his feet, rushing down the stairs to find himself a place beside Connor once again, his heart racing. “Please don’t leave me alone,” he whispers, quickly grabbing Connor’s hand with his own, tugging it, lacing their fingers together,  _ anything _ that he can manage to do to reassure himself that Connor’s still there, that Connor isn’t lying, that Evan’s  _ worth it _ .

 

There’s another beat of silence before Connor squeezes his hand in return and nods, leading him back to the car. “I wasn’t planning on it, Hansen,” he mumbles softly, opening the passenger seat before motioning for Evan to get in. All Evan does, however, is glance at the door before he reaches over to close it, instead reaching for the door to the backseat. 

 

“Let’s… sit back here for a minute?” 

 

Connor raises an eyebrow at Evan, but doesn’t otherwise protest, opening the door and slipping inside after Evan. “Yeah. Sure. What’s up?”

 

As soon as he’s sitting down, Evan takes the moment to clamber into his lap of all places, arms locking around Connor’s neck. Evan is silent, absolutely quiet as he buries his face into Connor’s shoulder and breathes. “Just want to sit,” is his response under his breath after a moment. “With you. Hope that’s okay.”

 

There’s something about the way that Connor’s arms immediately wind themselves around Evan that makes him positive that he’s alright.

 

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Connor idly rubs a circle into his back, and Evan all but stops breathing, closing his eyes. “You just need a minute, and I get it, Ev. I do.” Connor’s voice has gotten soft again, and it makes Evan’s heart rise to his throat, but he doesn’t let go, instead leaning heavily into him.

  
“Thank you,” Evan whispers under his breath, arms tightening around Connor if only slightly. “I love you. Thank you.”

 

The back of a car has never felt so comfortable in his life, he’s decided, and it only makes it better when Connor responds just as Evan’s starting to doze off against him.

 

“Yeah. I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to write this time.
> 
> Thanks to everyone for enjoying my fic it means a lot thank you thank you
> 
> As per usual you can comment or hit me up on tumblr @tearezicryrope. I adore every comment that I receive. Thank you.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Evan wakes up, he’s laying on the couch with his head in Connor’s lap, and he has no recollection of getting inside. He just knows that there’s a hand playing with his hair, the TV’s on, and upon opening his eyes, there’s a pizza box on the coffee table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/162474760527/reinvention-chapter-25) link!

When Evan wakes up, he’s laying on the couch with his head in Connor’s lap, and he has no recollection of getting inside. He just knows that there’s a hand playing with his hair, the TV’s on, and upon opening his eyes, there’s a pizza box on the coffee table. 

 

Shifting a bit, he turns enough to cause alarm, and when his eyes flicker up, he’s met with Connor’s gaze, and a smile. “Good morning, sleeping beauty,” Connor muses, and Evan blinks. 

 

“Good morning?” His eyebrows furrow, raising a hand to rub the sleep from his eyes. “What- time is it?” His eyes flicker over to the cable box in time to read that it’s-

 

“Some time after ten,” Connor reassures him, looking at him as he sits up. Evan groans, his hands dropping into his lap. 

 

“Where’s mom?” 

  
  
“She had to go back out, but she sat out here with us for a while. Ordered pizza. There’s still some cheese in that one.” Connor waves at the box on the coffee table, and Evan hums in response, leaning forward enough to open the box and grab a piece of the pizza. It’s still kind of warm, not that cold pizza would bother him, and he takes a bite, humming around it. 

 

“Do you still want to sleep over?” Evan mumbles after he swallows, pushing a hand through his hair. “Because, I mean, I figured that you do, but-”

 

Connor cuts him off, nudging him with his elbow as he speaks. “Yeah, dude. Of course I do.” He pauses, stretching out. “You mind sharing your bed tonight?”

 

He’s staring. Evan’s  _ staring _ at him, and he can’t stop staring. He doesn’t really  _ want  _ to stop staring, he doesn’t think. “No. No, I- I don’t. That sounds fine. I can do that. If you- really want to, I mean? Um…”

 

He must’ve said something completely ridiculous, because whatever it is has Connor laughing, his lips curling into a smile. “Dumbass. Of course I want to. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

 

“No, but-”

  
  
“Hey.” Evan stops, eyebrows furrowing as he takes another bite, and another, chewing carefully. “If you don’t want me to sleep upstairs, I don’t need to.”

 

Evan shakes his head, swallowing hard before he scoots closer, leaning hard into Connor’s side. “I do,” he reassures him. “Sorry. I’m just nervous, I guess. I always am, every time I pull- something like that. But you know that, I think.”

 

“Of course I do. Give me some credit, Hansen.” He ruffles his hair, and Evan just hums, closing his eyes. 

 

“I’ll give you credit where it’s due, Connor. You already know that.”

 

And he does. He knows that damn well, especially as he ruffles Evan’s hair again and tugs him into his side. “Yeah, I do. Thanks for sticking around, asshole.”

 

Evan doesn’t even hesitate before he snorts, leaning heavily into Connor’s side. “No problem,” he mumbles under his breath, because it  _ isn’t _ a problem. In fact, it’s the exact opposite of a problem, and Evan’s pretty sure that he should be saying the same thing, telling him to speak for himself, but he doesn’t, instead just takes another bite of his pizza before he’s left with just the crust- something that he turns to shove into Connor’s hand. 

 

Connor’s response is a sharp laugh, not even taking a moment before he bites into the dough, looking at him. “Y’still don’t like this shit?” he mumbles around a mouthful of crust, and Evan’s nose wrinkles up, letting a hand come down against his chest in a playful punch of sorts. Connor’s response is a mumbled ‘oof’ before he lets himself fall back against the couch, and Evan laughs. This is nice. It’s nice to feel so carefree and relaxed, with Connor’s arm around his shoulders, and he’s  _ warm. _

 

“Nope. It’s just- it’s extra, and it doesn’t need to be there, really? So you can have it. Stop complaining.” A pause. “Um- hey. How’d I get in here, anyway?”

 

“S’your house, isn’t it?” Connor’s still chewing, although that may just be another bite, but then he laughs, swallowing. “Mmh, nah. But- you seriously don’t remember?” Another laugh. “Christ, Hansen, you really were out of it, then. You fell asleep in the car, yeah?”

  
  
“Yeah.”

 

“And then I drove us home. You stayed in the back seat. I had to weasel my way out of your arms. You kept trying to drag me back like a fucking teddy bear or something.”

  
  
Home. Connor called Evan’s house ‘home’. “Embarrassing, but- okay.”

 

“Yeah. So, got back here, and you were still passed out in the back seat. So. Had to wake you up.” He shrugs. “Shook you a little and you jolted, so I led you inside and to the couch. You zonked again as soon as you sat down. Just sort of laid down on me.” Connor pauses, looking at Evan carefully before he finishes the crust off. “It was kind of- cute?” 

 

The way that Evan’s face goes red makes Connor laugh, and Evan can’t figure out if he’s supposed to be mad or not. He can’t, really, because then Connor’s grinning, and Evan’s chest is tight. He absolutely can’t figure out what to say, so instead he just makes a grab for another piece of pizza and bites into it, rolling his eyes as if it’s going to mask the red on his cheeks. 

  
  
Only to realize that he doesn’t really  _ want _ another piece of pizza, and he leans forward to just put it back in the box. 

 

“Don’t want it?”

  
  
“No. Can we just-- let’s go upstairs. It’s late, so I mean… We should… If-- we have to go to school tomorrow and everything, you know, so-”

  
  
Connor nudges him away gently before he stands up without a word, reaching down to grab Evan’s hand. 

 

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go. Stop being all nervous, Ev, it’s just me.” He ruffles his hair with his free hand before he starts upstairs with Evan in tow. Evan, who is definitely not opposed to being led away, especially because, hell, it’s nice to have someone else there for a change. 

 

\--

 

By the time they’re at school the next morning, both Connor and Evan have a lunch packed for them, and Connor won’t stop making remarks about the fact that Ms. Hansen wrote notes on napkins for the both of them. He keeps snorting, laughing even as they walk into the building that he’s not her son. 

 

Evan knows enough for the both of them that that doesn’t stop her from treating him like one, and there’s something about the way that Connor hasn’t stopped smiling since they left that morning that lets him know that maybe that’s just what he needs.

 

The lunches aside, of course, it’s more or less settled that neither one of them wants to be in school as Connor follows Evan to his locker. He makes a few comments about how they should’ve skipped, should’ve gone to the orchard or something, but Evan just laughs it off, fingers brushing against Connor’s as they make their way down the hall. 

 

“We’ll be fine,” he reassures him, and he’s positive that he’s right before they split up to go to their respective classes, and Evan turns into his classroom to find Jared leaning particularly close to his desk, and Evan almost flinches away.

 

_ 'We’re dating, Jared.' _

 

Apparently Evan’s staring by this point, because when he snaps out of his own head, Jared’s making eye-contact with him, but his typical smug grin isn’t on his face- instead he just looks tired, unimpressed even, and Evan’s stomach turns.  _ Bad, bad, bad.  _ He knows now, and he’s gonna make fun of him, or tease him, or tell him that  _ he told him,  _ or he’ll tell everybody, or make a poster, and-

 

“Stop that.” 

  
  
Evan looks up again as he hears Jared talk, and it’s then that he realizes that Jared’s standing in front of his desk now, where he’s seated, and Evan goes still.

 

“Stop what?”

  
  
Jared groans, rolls his eyes and leans over to grab the neighboring chair, pulling it to Evan’s desk. “I’ve known you since we were practically born, Hansen, I know the stupid look you get on your face when you start freaking out.”

 

“I’m not freaking out. What makes you think that I’m freaking out because I am most definitely not freaking out at all. That’s just not something that I do, especially not this early in the morning, because who does that, even, and-”

 

“You’re  _ literally _ rambling right now. Jesus, Evan, I just wanted to say sorry.”

 

That catches him off guard. Evan feels his mouth go dry, and he breaks his gaze from the desk enough to look up at him. 

 

“...What?”

 

“Ugh. I’m  _ sorry.  _ For, like- everything about you and Connor.”

 

Evan laughs nervously, carding his fingers through his hair. “What- about. Me and Connor.”

 

Jared pinches the bridge of his nose and groans, rolling his eyes. “Last night, on the phone. On your phone. Connor picked up, and I asked him if you were  _ gay,  _ and he said no, but then he said it’s not his place to say, and that you’re  _ dating _ . You’re actually honest to God dating Connor fucking Murphy, dude?”

 

Evan feels like he’s going to be sick. “Connor was- really. Um. He was really frustrated because you called and wouldn’t leave and I think we was panicking a little because you wouldn’t leave us alone, and-”

 

“I don’t  _ give a shit _  if you’re gay, Evan.”

 

“What? I- didn’t say that- you. Um.”

 

“Yeah, but you were worried about it. Christ, you really need to do something about that, you know.”

  
  
“...But you always teased me and got on my-- got on my back about all of that, and you’d laugh at me, and-”

  
  
“You’re fun to tease, Hansen,” is Jared’s simple answer, shrugging as the final bell rings and he slips away from Evan’s desk to turn to his own. “You make it easy. I never actually gave two shits. Not everyone’s straight, you know.”

 

The sentence carries a lot more with it than he wants it to, and he just nods slowly in response, picking at his fingernails as class goes underway. That’s not something that he can just forget about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to call this chapter "I give Jared too much shit and he's really not that bad and I hope everyone knows that". I also call it the chapter I was stuck writing for about three weeks but we don't need to talk about that.  
> As usual, thank you for the comments and the messages on tumblr and all that jazz! Every time I get a compliment about my writing or about the fic in general I immediately begin to cry and I just hope you guys know how grateful I am sdfghk like Shit, dude.  
> Thanks for reading, everyone <3


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan doesn’t figure out why Jared's left him alone until he’s ready to head out of the school and head to Connor’s car, and Jared’s leaning against the hood of the car, staring at Connor, whose arms are crossed against his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/162596365902/reinvention-chapter-26) link!

Jared doesn’t wait for him after class like he usually does. In fact, he doesn’t see Jared for the rest of the day, which is _weird,_ because Jared is loud and obnoxious and he doesn’t like to leave Evan alone.

 

He doesn’t figure out why until he’s ready to head out of the school and head to Connor’s car, and Jared’s leaning against the hood of the car, staring at Connor, whose arms are crossed against his chest. Neither of them look _happy,_ but Jared’s expression lightens up as Evan gets closer.

 

“If it isn’t the man of the hour.”

 

Evan’s gaze flickers between Connor and Jared, drawing in a little breath. “...Me?”

 

The way that Jared’s hands come together in a round of applause as Evan comes closer is enough of an answer, and his face goes red, watching as Jared devolves into laughter, and Connor just… glares.

 

There’s a beat of long silence before any of them speak up, and- of course- it’s Jared, who’s grinning and leaning forward from Connor’s car. “So,” he starts. “We were just talking about when you’re gonna break the news to the good ol’ parents,” he tells Evan, eyes wide behind his glasses before he pushes them up. “Any input on the matter?”   


“ _We_ weren’t talking about anything. _Kleinman_ came over and demanded to know if my parents knew yet-”

 

“-Only because I _figured_ that Heidi probably knows already, and-”

 

“-It’s not even any of your business whether my parents _or_ Evan’s mom knows. You shouldn’t even know, I just got pissed off, and-”

 

Evan sucks in a sharp breath and squeezes his eyes shut. “Stop it.”

 

“--It’s not my fault you can’t keep your head level without help, Murphy, the only one who can help you is-”

 

“Stop it!” Evan straightens out.  Eyes squeezed shut as he stands there, and he doesn’t realize that Connor and Jared are both staring at him until he opens his eyes “...Stop fighting. Please? I don’t- want you to fight.”

 

The gaze that Jared and Connor exchange is weird- it’s complete with some weird smirk on Jared’s half before he just laughs and stands up, rolling his eyes. “Maybe you aren’t that bad of an influence on him. I don’t think he’s ever really stood up for himself,” Jared muses, grinning before he slips over to Evan and claps him on the back. “But- seriously. Are you planning on telling the Murphys that you’re dating their--”

 

“You’re _dating_ Connor _Murphy.”_

 

Alana. Evan’s gaze turns immediately to her and his face goes red.

 

“He’s standing right- right there.”

 

“I just can’t believe that after all of this time, you’re _dating_ him! I didn’t know that you were-”

 

“-He’s not,” Jared chimes in. “You can’t forget that he liked Zo-”

 

“--Yes! We can! We can forget that, in fact I’d really rather we forget the fact that I liked Zoe, because--”

 

“What about me?” Zoe comes up to the right of them, fixing her backpack straps over her shoulders, and Evan’s positive that he’s going to drop.

 

This is a lot. Too much. Evan finds himself shrinking back, closer to Connor in attempt to block everything out, but it won’t stop, because now Jared and Alana are staring at him and talking, and Zoe is walking over, and Evan’s skin is crawling, crawling, because he feels like all of the attention is on him, especially as soon as Zoe starts talking to-- Connor.

 

Surprisingly, he decides, that could have definitely gone worse. If she’d tried to talk to him, for example, that would have been both unexpected and bad, probably.

 

In the end, he just stands and listens, half zoning out as he looks between them.

 

“I need a ride home, Connor,”

 

The look that crosses over Connor’s face is one of confusion before it grows irritated. “Zoe, are you- you’re shitting me, right?”

 

She just makes a face and practically glares at him, arms crossing against her chest. “ _No,_ Connor, I’m not. My ride bailed on me, and I’d rather not walk today.”

 

Connor looks over to Evan, as if that’s going to help anything, and Evan just looks back with wide eyes. “I- um. I don’t really- care?” he mumbles, looking between the two siblings before his gaze breaks to the ground once again.

 

“ _Evan_ doesn’t care. Why do you care so much? We’re going to the same place.”

 

Connor just _groans,_ tips his head back and puffs out a sigh. “Yeah. Whatever, fine. Get in the fucking car, Zo.”

  
  
“Could you, like- not be an ass for two minutes?”

 

Evan’s nose wrinkles up and he shifts. “...Um- Connor, it’s really fine, she’s just- she’s your sister.”

 

Connor doesn’t respond before he just gets into the driver’s seat, grumbling under his breath and leaning on the horn long enough to make Jared jump and turn to look at him, eyebrows furrowed.

 

Jared practically jumps a foot in the air, and Evan can’t help but choke back a laugh as he watches Jared turn to Connor and flip him off, screaming something along the likes of ‘Fuck off, Murphy!’ at the closed window. Connor just gets off the wheel and leans back, rolling down the window.

  
  
“Both of you get in, or I’m driving away without you.”

 

Evan’s the first to get in- hop into the passenger seat and sink his backpack to the ground before Connor has the time to speed away- something he doubts he’ll do, all things considered, because Connor is all threats and words, but he’s positive that he wouldn’t do that to either of them. He casts a glance to Zoe, who just smiles back at him before getting into the backseat.

 

The last thing that he hears is Jared wishing them luck at the Murphy’s.

 

\--

 

The luck doesn’t seem necessary until Evan is sitting in the living room at the Murphy household with his legs crossed and his hands folded in his lap, vehemently denying his need for a drink.

 

Larry and Cynthia are sitting across from him, and there’s a platter of cookies on the coffee table that look like they were set there for a photograph in People magazine and not for the fact that they were expecting guests. Which they weren’t, for the record, so Evan is absolutely baffled as to why there’s literally a platter of freshly-baked cookies sitting on the table.

 

But he doesn’t question it out loud. Mostly because he’s too busy trying to avoid answering the plethora of questions that are being thrown at him.

 

“How’s school been lately, Evan?”

  
  
“Good- It’s good. I’m-- it’s good.”

 

“Are your grades staying up?”

 

“Yeah- yes. Of course they are. I-I’m good. I pay attention. In class, I mean. It’s-- good.”

 

“Have you gotten a girlfriend yet?”

 

That one’s Larry, and it nearly makes Evan choke on his own spit. He actually leans forward and grabs a cookie, taking a bite for the sheer purpose of having some reason to delay whatever answer that he was going to make up in his head. He can do that- he’s good at spur-of-the-moment things, somehow.

 

“Larry, that’s not something you can just _ask_ him…”

 

“What? Why not? We’ve known him for years, Cynthia, and one of ‘em’s gotta get a girl- and we _both_ know it ain’t gonna be Connor.”

 

Evan’s gaze is suddenly fixed on the ground, on his knees, his tapping foot, focusing on the sound of the grandfather clock ticking in the corner of the room, and the noise that Cynthia makes in response to her husband’s comment.

 

“ _Larry.”_

 

“It’s- um. It’s-- fine. It’s- I-- no, I haven’t, yet, I don’t-- I’m not sure if- there’s anyone who- can-- Who would--”

 

He’s struggling, and it’s probably pretty clear in the way that his fingers are twitching against his knees, and his eyes are locked on the ground, as if he’s afraid to make eye-contact, because if they can see how nervous he is, then they can see the red on his cheeks, and hear the way that his voice is shaking, and-

 

“Leave him alone, dad,” is Zoe’s voice- it’s coming from his left, where she’s sitting with her legs folded butterfly style on the arm chair. “He didn’t come here to be questioned by you like he did something wrong. He’s just waiting for Connor.”

 

Evan doesn’t say a word, just nods and keeps staring at his hands wringing in his lap.

 

“We’re just making conversation, Zoe. He’s capable of handling that, isn’t he? _Aren’t_ you?”

  
  
Evan’s gaze lifts, and he nods fast and hard. “Y-Yes! Sorry-- sorry, I’m- yes.”

 

He _can’t_ make conversation. He can’t handle sitting in Connor’s house which is too clean and too big and may as well echo in every room, because there’s no reason for such a little family to have a house this huge, and he only wants Connor to be at his side and holding his hand, telling him it’s fine.

 

The wish, he thinks, is coming closer to true as Connor comes down the stairs with his still-damp hair tugged into a bun, and looks over to the living room. There’s a light in his eye that he doesn’t expect, but then his gaze falls on Cynthia and Larry and the glow drops from his expression completely. It’s gone sooner than it came, and Evan looks down again, chewing at his lip.

 

“Alright, Evan, you ready to head out? It’s time to ditch.” Evan nods, ready to stand and go before Larry clears his throat, and he sinks down again.

 

“Connor, it’s been awhile since you’ve actually sat down and had a conversation with us, sweetie,” is what Cynthia says, shifting in her spot as she cranes her neck around to look at her son. Connor doesn’t look amused in the least- he just rolls his eyes and trails over to the living room, heaving out a sigh before he drops to sit beside Evan.

 

Evan wonders briefly if the way that Connor’s fingers twitch is a reflex to take his own, but he doesn’t say a word, doesn’t move a muscle, just sits, and watches, heart racing in his chest.

 

“It’s just nice to see you happy again, that’s all, son.” Cynthia smiles, leans forward on the couch and smiles at the both of them. It makes Zoe groan, and Connor’s eyes flicker towards her for just a moment before their father speaks.

 

“You been staying caught up on your homework, right? Because if  you’ve been slacking-”

 

“ _Yes,_ God, Larry, I’m doing fucking fine.”

 

“Do not use that language on me, Connor, or so help me God-”

 

“What, you’ll ground me again? Make me hate you even more than I already do? Make me _never_ come home?”

 

“You two have been spending a lot of time together, haven’t you?” Cynthia straightens up, tries to cut Connor off before things can escalate themselves. Nothing. 

 

Evan goes to nod, but Connor just sighs. “Yeah. We’re friends. Friends do that. They hang out. That’s what they do.”

 

“You’re over his house quite a bit. It’s rare to see you spend a _night._ ”

 

“Good thing I don’t plan on spending the night, then, isn’t it?” Connor’s getting irritated, and Evan can tell. He swallows hard, opening his mouth to speak, but he’s cut off.

 

“What’s going on between you two?”

 

There’s a noise that comes out of Evan’s throat, a weird sort of hurt-noise, like it’s being choked out of him, and before he can come up with some answer, Connor’s lips are being pressed against his own, and Evan’s eyes go wide as he hears Cynthia gasp, and there’s a voice off to the side that he can hear over the static in his head that says “Oh, my God.”

 

Within a second’s time, Connor pulls back and stands up, looking to his parents before looking down at Evan. “I love him. See ya. Let’s go.”

 

He reaches down to grab Evan’s hand, and Evan feels himself being tugged to his feet before his hand is dropped completely, and he’s left staring at Larry and Cynthia Murphy.

 

“I-- Thank- you for-- the cookies and-- I-- Will-- I’ll see-- you-- later, uh-- I-- sorry, um-”

 

He hears the front door swing open and shut, and he ducks his head briefly before he dismisses himself, rushing to follow Connor out to his car.

 

He finds him sitting in the driver’s seat with his hands on the wheel and a grin on his face. Evan, on the other hand, feels like he can’t breathe as he gets in the passenger seat, looking hastily towards Connor.

 

“...What was _that_?”

 

“Sometimes you have to take fucking risks to get shit over with, Ev,” Connor murmurs, shrugging as he peels out of the driveway. “And that was one hell of a risk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to call this one "Jared's not a COMPLETE dick, but Larry Murphy is."  
> As per usual!! Thanks to anyone and everyone commenting or messaging me @ tearezicryrope on tumblr! It means a lot I love y'all so much.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The risk, admittedly, is far more than expected, and it takes a bigger toll on Evan than Connor had probably anticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/162710742917/reinvention-chapter-27) link!

The risk, admittedly, is far more than expected, and it takes a bigger toll on Evan than Connor had probably anticipated. Granted, Connor had also wanted the visit home to be quick- in and out and done within five minutes, but as soon as Cynthia and Larry had all but swept Evan away to the living room, it hadn’t gone as planned. At all. They convinced Connor to go take a shower, and they spent too long there, and Connor had gotten pissed, pissed beyond belief, and now Evan can’t get the feeling of Connor’s lips off of his own.

 

Had they kissed before? Sure. Plenty of times. Have there been times when Connor’s literally in his lap, with hands through his hair, on his face, his shoulders, his  _ skin _ ? Yeah. Of course. But this kiss was different- chaste and yet too long- and deliberately given in front of the Murphys for the sheer shock factor of it all, but at least they  _ know _ now, he thinks, but--

 

Evan’s shaken from his train of thought by Connor’s hands on his face, and he’s leaning over the console. He doesn’t know where they are- he just knows that it’s still bright out, which is good, really good, and it takes a solid few seconds until he even realizes that,  _ oh,  _ he’s still in Connor’s car, and his head feels like it’s spinning.

 

“...Hi.”

  
  
“Hi? Christ, Evan, where did you  _ go _ ?”   


 

“Dunno. Thinking. Sorry.” He parts from Connor’s touch, craning his neck in order to wipe at his eyes and push a hand through his hair. “You- kissed me. In front of them. In front of your  _ parents,  _ Connor.” 

 

He’s marginally more okay with it than he’s letting on, really. He’s incredibly okay with the fact that Connor’s comfortable enough kissing him, the fact that he doesn’t care about being seen with him… But even then, there are the fears, which are more in number than anything. 

 

What if his parents really send him away? What if Connor realizes that he never cared that much, or finds someone leagues better than Evan, because how hard could that even be? There are too many variables and they’re all swimming around Evan’s head, bouncing off of his skull and making it pound. 

 

“Evan.”

 

Connor’s voice isn’t helping for once, because all that Evan needs is silence, a minute to recollect himself, and he can’t get that here.    


 

“I need to- get out. Of the car.”   


 

“...We’re at the orchard, Ev.”

 

“Okay. Great. Perfect.”    


 

He doesn’t wait before he’s fumbling with the lock, and his seatbelt, rushing out of the car and stumbling forward to a particularly grassy area, knowing completely well that even if he tried, there is no way that he could get to their tree. 

 

So he just sits. He sits and pulls his knees up to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut and counting to ten about three times before he hears Connor come over and sit a little ways away.

 

“...’M sorry.”   


 

“Don’t be.”

 

“You’re panicking.”

 

“Connor, please, not right now.”

 

That shuts him up. Connor just nods and scoots away, fumbling to take off his sweater before he offers it forward, and Evan just makes a grab for it without looking up, tugging it on and zipping it up, head turning to press his his nose into the collar. Breathe in, breathe out.

 

There’s a solid minute of silence before Evan speaks up again, fingers tugging at the material of his pants.    
  


“...Zoe looked at me like I had three heads.”

 

“Zoe was probably just as surprised as they were. I doubt she’s the one you have to worry about out of all of them.”

 

“You know, this may be surprising, but that  _ really _ doesn’t help, Connor, because-”

 

Evan looks up in time to see Connor playing aimlessly with a piece of his hair, and he draws in a sharp breath. Oh. Of course. He’s on edge, too, and he has- every right to be. Evan silently curses himself, pushing a shaky hand up into his hair. He’s selfish. He’s absolutely selfish, because he’s been freaking out over this when it’s  _ Connor’s _ family. 

 

“...Sorry.”

 

“It’s fine, Ev. You’re fine. Just-”

 

He’s cut off the sound of his cell phone ringing, and the two of them visibly get tense as Connor reaches into his pant pocket and pulls it out, studying the Caller ID for just a moment before he drags his thumb across the screen and lifts it to his ear.

 

“Uh-- hey?” Evan watches the expression on Connor’s face flicker, and then he pushes his fingers through his hair, tugging at it again. “...We’re fine. I’m at- we’re at the orchard. The old one? Yeah, I--  _ no _ , Zoe, you don’t need to-  _ Fuck.” _

 

Connor tugs the phone away from his face with a huff, and a sigh, and then he’s pushing  his hands against his face and groaning. Evan’s eyebrows furrow, and he hesitantly scoots forward, reaching a hand out only for Connor to stand up. 

 

“Zoe’s coming.”   


 

“She-- what?”

 

“Zo’s coming. Here. She’s on her way. She grabbed mom’s car and ditched, because apparently they were trying to give her shit, and-”   


 

“She’s coming here.”  


  
  
“Yes, Ev, was I not clear enough on that?” 

 

One more glance at him makes Evan sure of just how unexpected it was for Zoe to decide to come over, and he sucks in a little breath. How could he have expected this at all? He frowns, hesitantly standing to move over to Connor.

 

“...You- told me that I don’t need to worry about her. So- you shouldn’t either? She’s your sister, Connor…”

 

“My sister who has  _ never _ cared about me. Ever, Evan, why would she care now? There’s absolutely no goddamn reason for her to come here, or care, or-” Evan reaches for his hand, and Connor jerks away, eyes narrowing. “...Don’t.”

 

Evan feels his stomach sink, and he nods slowly, taking a few steps back to press his back against the tree, fingers moving to his sides to press against the bark. He swallows hard, watching Connor pace, and admittedly feeling… Terrible, because he can’t do anything to help.

 

\--

 

There are another five minutes before there’s a car pulling up beside Connor’s, and it doesn’t take long before there’s a figure rushing towards them with a bag over her shoulder which Evan knows is undoubtedly  _ Connor’s _ . She strides over without a thought, dropping the bag in front of Connor. He doesn’t know why until she locks her arms around her brother and pulls him in.

 

Evan watches as Connor goes still, but then there’s an arm coming up, and a hand lightly coming against Zoe’s back. 

 

“Mom and dad are  _ pissed _ , you asshole,” Zoe mumbles, arms tightening around him before she drops them and pulls back from the hug. “What did you  _ do. _ ” 

 

“You act like you weren’t there, Zoe. You were there. You know what I did.”

 

“I mean  _ why _ did you do it, Connor? You know how they feel about-”

 

“They would have figured it out sooner or later. I would have told them sooner or later. Or you. Or Evan, for fuck’s sake, I don’t know. I just know it would’ve happened, so I went ahead and I acted on my fucking impulse and kissed him. What do you want to happen?”

 

“I  _ want _ dad to stop being a jackass, but that’s not gonna happen.” She glances over to Evan, whose back is still against the tree, staring over at the two Murphys. The moment that they make eye contact, Evan’s face goes red and he looks to his feet, kicking at the dirt. “I also want to know how long you two have even been-”

 

“A few weeks. Give or take. Why the hell are you acting like you care all of the sudden, Zoe? It doesn’t make  _ sense _ . At all.” Connor looks angry- at least, at a first glance- but Evan knows better. He can see the confusion, and the  _ hurt _ , and it almost makes his stomach twist, because he wants nothing more but to step forward and say something to calm him down.

 

But he can’t right now.

 

This is something that he has to stay out of, and he knows it when Zoe scoffs and pushes her hair back, rolling her eyes. “Believe it or not, Connor, I’m your sister, and I have every right to care, even a little. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you smile the way you do when Evan’s around.”

 

“ _ Zoe _ -”

 

“No, shut up. You want to know why I care? Because they have no right to make you miserable when you’re just about the happiest you’ve been in  _ years _ when you’re around him.” She takes a frustrated step back, kicking Connor’s backpack towards him. “I packed you a bag so you wouldn’t have to come home for a few days. God knows you don’t want to. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

 

Connor’s gaze catches on the bag before his gaze lifts again to her, and he just nods, shoving his hands in his pockets. Zoe nods back before she turns to look at Evan, and she sighs. The attention on him makes him go still, and he looks at her like a deer in the headlights before she speaks up.

 

“...Take care of him for me, okay?” Zoe practically laughs as she speaks, grinning soft and wide at him. “He’s a little rough around the edges but he’s still a good kid-”   


 

“ _ Hey _ -”

 

“I’ll see you guys at school. Have fun!”

 

They’re both left staring as she goes back to the car and slips in, careful as she reverses and pulls out of the lot of the orchard, disappearing behind the ocean of trees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, sweating madly as I quickly approach the end of my prepared chapters: Heck. Hecking HECk.  
> The next chapter's a doozy, kids!
> 
> Also, While I'm Here, I kind of might have sorta kinda done a thing and made a?? [Reinvention askblog](https://ask-evan-reinvented.tumblr.com/)??? Like, I don't even entirely know what to do with it I put a little about page in there to kind of sum up what it's there for and maybe I'll like post fanart and stuff to here to keep track of it all in one place? If nothing comes of it, that's okay.
> 
> But other than that!! Feel free to keep hitting me up @tearezicryrope on tumblr! Love y'all!!
> 
> P.S. Chapter 27! Went up on 7.7.17! How great is that!!!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan sucks in a little breath, slinging Connor’s backpack over one shoulder and reaching to pull his own from the back seat, carefully balancing it on his other shoulder. It feels like a balancing act, even as he follows Connor up to the door.
> 
> “Connor, hey, are you-”
> 
> “Shut up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/162824703382/reinvention-chapter-28) link!

It takes another hour even after Zoe leaves for Connor to actually wind up getting back into the car to drive the two of them back to the Hansen’s, and it becomes increasingly obvious the closer that they get that Connor is absolutely not okay about any of this. His knuckles are white on the steering wheel, and his gaze is stuck straight ahead, only breaking now and then to look at the backpack that Evan’s holding in his lap, clad with old band pins. It dawns on Evan that this is probably from Freshman year, and he goes to open his mouth and ask a question, but by the time that he’s ready to, he realizes that he’s pulling into his driveway, and Connor is pulling the keys from the ignition and getting out.

 

Alright.

 

Evan sucks in a little breath, slinging Connor’s backpack over one shoulder and reaching to pull his own from the back seat, carefully balancing it on his other shoulder. It feels like a balancing act, even as he follows Connor up to the door.

 

“Connor, hey, are you-”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Okay. Wow. Evan reels back, sucking in a little breath. “I was- just gonna ask if you’re hungry.”

 

Connor pushes the door open and shuffle in, kicking his shoes off at the entrance before he storms upstairs, presumably to Evan’s room, and Evan goes still. There’s a second before he hears the door slam, and he’s frozen in the doorway for a long moment before he manages to go to drop his backpack off at the kitchen table, taking up one of the four chairs without much thought.

 

He should go upstairs. He knows he should go upstairs, but he doesn’t want to upset Connor any more than he feels he already has. There’s a moment where he’s completely lost before he pulls Connor’s bag from his shoulder, holding it by the handle as he makes his way to the staircase, quickly moving upstairs and turning to go into his room.

 

At first, he just tests the handle. Turns it carefully, as if to make sure that it’s unlocked, before he pushes it in, eyes flickering nervously over to his bed where, sure enough, Connor is sitting with his hands up through his hair. He looks tense, Evan notes, and he practically holds his breath as he shuffles into the room, gently closing the door and looking over to him.

 

“...Connor?”

 

Evan watches as Connor’s shoulders tense up, watches as his head ducks down more, and he feels his stomach flip, but he sets the bag down and goes over to the bed regardless.

 

“I- brought your bag. I think Zoe packed… clothes. Maybe some other things? I, um- I really think she meant well.”

 

“Shut- cut it out.”

 

“Oh-- Sorry, I-” he scoots aside a little bit, away from Connor, holding his breath for another moment before he turns again. “...Is there anything I can do to help? I- know that you’re upset, Connor, but if there’s anything that I can do… I know that, um- that it’s really, really easy to just bottle things up when you get upset, but- when you- it’s actually really- bad to do that.”

 

He knows that better than anyone, after all. He sucks in another deep breath, and continues.

 

“I- I just-- you know that you can talk to me. Whenever you need to! I’ll listen, Connor, because I really-- really care about you!” He turns to him more, expression eager behind his concern. “And-- and I just want to make sure that you feel okay?”

 

Whatever he’s expecting, it isn’t for Connor to turn to him with knitted eyebrows and a look in his eye that he hasn’t seen in years- at least, not on him. He swallows hard, voice catching in his throat before he can say anything else, because _how is he supposed to respond to that._

 

The most he can manage is a sort of wheeze before he sinks back, and suddenly Connor is talking. Loud. His voice is anything but calm. It’s fast and loud and Evan’s expression twists.

 

“Are- are you kidding me? Evan, you aren’t going to understand fucking anything that I could _say_ to you right now. You aren’t! You have a _great_ mom, and your dad might be gone, but you’re getting along just fine without him! He’s not in your face, telling you every _little_ thing that you’ve done wrong. You don’t need to live with the knowledge that you’re _nothing_ to your family. Your mom loves you. How fucking nice for you!” He pauses to stand up, fingers still in his hair for a moment before he quickly tugs them away and down, fanning them out to the sides as if it’s some sort of emphasis.

 

“You can’t just _sit there_ and pretend like everything’s fucking over for me! I can’t even pretend that! I can’t pretend that I didn’t fuck up, because I did, and I know damn well that I did, because I can’t do anything fucking right!”

 

Evan feels his heart pounding in his chest, because God, no, this hurts. He stands up quickly, hands shaky as he reaches one out. “Connor-”

 

“ _Don’t_ . Don’t ‘Connor’ me right now, Evan.” Connor takes a step forward, and Evan promptly takes one back, as if it’s an impulse, or a reflex. It takes another step back for him to realize that he’s terrified, and he hates it. He feels like everything’s closing in on him, and it’s just him, and Connor, who’s loud, _loud loud_ , and he won’t stop _yelling_. “You don’t! Get it! You can sit there and pretend like you do, and that’s great, that’s fucking fantastic, Evan, but there’s nothing about me that’s okay! You’re the only god damn thing that’s right in my life, and even then, I’m gonna fuck that up at some point, too!”

 

Evan’s throat gets tight, and he takes another step back as Connor takes a step forward, and the moment that his hands hit the wall behind him is the moment where everything crumbles.

 

“Connor. Connor, _no_ , you aren’t going to fuck up. I’m not gonna-”

 

“If you don’t leave me, someone’s going to _make_ you. It’ll be my parents, or your mom, or _me_ . Because there’s no way that you’re still _with_ me because you love me, Evan, that just doesn’t make any god damn sense!”

 

He’s right in front of him now. Evan’s head is spinning as he looks up towards Connor, chin up ever so slightly, breathing off-rhythm and _heavy_. “Con--Connor, hey-”

 

“Shut _up!_ ”

 

Before he can do anything- say anything, move, make _any_ decision, he sees Connor move fast, there’s a wave of air by his face, and then there’s a thump beside his head, he lets his eyes flicker over enough to see  Connor’s fist laid against the wall.

 

Oh. Oh, God. Evan’s expression crumples completely, and there’s a sound that comes out of his throat that’s akin to a sob before he brings his hands up in front of him, shoulders hunching in, because this is terrible, and awful, and the look on Connor’s face as he lowers his hand isn’t making any of it better.

 

Evan doesn’t know what to say.

 

Any words that are in his head are completely gone, and he’s just left staring at Connor with wide eyes and tears rolling down his cheeks. _I’m sorry_ , he wants to say. _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,_ but the words don’t come. They’re completely gone, and Evan Hansen is absolutely lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go take her just take her  
> I apologize in advance.  
> But yes, okay, so. Don't forget that this [askblog](https://ask-evan-reinvented.tumblr.com/) exists now I guess! It's compliant to the canon of this fic! So far so fun.  
> I'm still terrified to run out of prewritten chapters.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s trying to tell himself that he didn’t mean it, but it’s hard to when he watches Connor break away only to turn on his heel and promptly leave, hearing the door slam before he registers that he’s alone in his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/162937015857/reinvention-chapter-29) link!

He’s trying to tell himself that he didn’t mean it, but it’s hard to when he watches Connor break away only to turn on his heel and promptly leave, hearing the door slam before he registers that he’s alone in his room.

 

That’s when everything around him shatters.

 

Evan feels his back come in contact with the wall behind him just as he feels his chest get tighter, and his heart is pounding so hard against his ribs that he’s positive that he’s going to break. He sinks to the ground without a thought, breathing hard and fast and uneven as he wraps shaking hands around his legs.

 

He’s sorry.

 

He’s so, so sorry, but that doesn’t even matter right now, because Connor’s gone. Connor’s not going to come back, he thinks, because the door was just slammed so hard that he heard his desk shake, and he’s positive that maybe there were footsteps down the stairs. Everything is too loud and too quiet at the same time, and as a sob wracks through his body, he realizes just how badly his throat is burning. His fingers curl in hard and tight on his sleeves- _Connor’s_ sleeves- he’s still wearing Connor’s hoodie.

 

He’s still wearing Connor’s hoodie.

 

Evan chokes out another sob, hiccuping through broken apologies to absolutely no one. He’s alone, completely alone, no one’s here, no one’s _going_ to be here. His mom is at work and Connor’s gone.

 

His fingers move up into his hair, tugging hard at it as he curls in, presses his face between his knees and cries out again. There’s some quiet voice somewhere trying to remind him that he’s not hurt. That Connor didn’t punch him, just punched the wall, but the larger part of him is nauseous to the point where he really, really wants to throw up, because at least then maybe it would stop, and maybe he could stop thinking, and pass out.

 

His eyes flicker to Connor’s backpack, and suddenly the phone in his pocket feels like it’s burning. He could call him. He _shouldn’t_ call him, but he wants to, he feels like he needs to, because he’s never been that mad before. Rationally, he knows that it wasn’t him, probably. It wasn’t _him_ , it was a combination of everything, and today’s just been a particularly eventful day. That’s it.

 

Evan shifts, fumbling for his phone and going into his contacts, rubbing at his eyes to try and make the blur of tears go away. He sniffles before he raises the phone to his ear, hiccuping as he tries to keep himself even a little bit together.

 

He hates phone calls. What the hell is he doing?

 

Before he can change his mind, however, there’s a voice on the other line, and he freezes up.

 

“Well, well, well, how long has it been since I’ve been _graced_ by a phone call from _the_ Evan Hansen?”

 

“ _Jared_ \--”

 

“Whoah, dude, you sound fucking miserable, where the hell is Murphy?”

 

“He’s-- he le- left, he’s gone, he left, I _messed up_ , Jared, I--” He winds his free hand into his hair again, heart racing in his chest. He pulls hard, and he hears Jared respond, somewhere.

 

“Christ, okay, do me a favor and calm down first, would you? I can’t understand you when you get like this. Fuck. Just breathe, Hansen.”

 

He listens. Well, tries to listen. He draws in a few shaky, deep breaths, and it dawns on him that a glass of water would be absolutely fantastic right now, because his throat feels like sandpaper. “Jared, I _can’t_.”

 

“God, dude, yes. You can. Try a little harder okay? I’m not there, so I can’t fucking hit you or anything to get you to keep it together, but-”

 

“Connor-- hit-- he punched the- wall. He was mad, really- mad- I was there, and- he- it was next to my _head_ , but now he’s g--gone, and I don’t know what to-- to do! Because! I really- really love him, Jared, and he’s _mad_ , he’s mad, and I--”

 

“Whoah. Whoah, whoah, _slow_ down. He hit you?”

  
  
“The wall. The wall, he hit- he punched the wall.”

 

The other end of the line goes silent for a long moment before he hears Jared sigh.

 

“Listen, Hansen, it could've gone worse. You could have a black eye right now.”

 

Evan’s nose crinkles up, and he lets out an ugly sob. He can just barely hear Jared groan on the other end, and in response he curls in more on himself.

 

“Jesus Christ, at least he didn't actually punch you, Evan, what do you want me to say here?”

 

“...I-I don’t know!”

 

“Then why the _fuck_ did you call me?”

 

He just cries harder, shakes his head as his free hand curls into a little fist against his leg. “IDon’tKnow, Jared!” _Deep breath, Evan._  “I needed-- someone! To talk to! Because if I-- hadn’t-”

 

“Okay, okay. Dude, just. God. Is he still there?”

 

“Don’t-- don’t know.”

 

“Are you in your room?”

  
  
Evan nods quickly, sniffling. “Mmh.”

 

He can practically imagine Jared pushing up his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose as he sighs. “Evan. Breathe. Then just- go check to see if he’s still there. Got it?”

 

“I can’t- I can’t, he hates me, Jared, he _hates me_ why would he want to see-- see me right now? H--He- I- messed up, somehow, and-”

 

“Hansen. Fucking listen to me, okay?” Jared groans, and somewhere in his mind’s eye, Evan can imagine a blurry picture of him rubbing his forehead. “He doesn’t hate you. Probably got upset for some reason. Did you guys settle thing with the Murphys?”

 

“K--Kinda. Sorta. Yes?”

  
  
“Yeah. So he’s probably on edge. Just- go find your stupid boyfriend, got it?”

 

Evan draws in a sharp, shaky breath before he nods stiffly, rubbing at his face with Connor’s sleeve. “...Mhm.”

 

“And I’m not hanging up the stupid phone until I know you’re breathing fine. I need to know if I need to call an ambulance so your fucking mom doesn’t get home and find her son passed out because he doesn’t know how to handle himself.”

 

“I-I’m fine.”

 

“Mmhm… I’ll believe it when I hear it. Shut up for a second.”

 

He does. It’s weird, he thinks. Jared’s trying. To a degree. And it’s not really ideal, but it’s… He’s someone, and within a few seconds, Evan’s reduced to sniffles, wiping his eyes and evening his breathing out, which earns a sigh from the other line.

 

“...Jared?” Evan shifts as he speaks, closing his eyes and tipping his head back against the wall. “I-- um. Thanks. Thank you. For-- picking up? And- talking-- to me. It- thank you.”

 

His first response is a heavy groan. “...Fucking… Don’t get used to it, Hansen. I’m like a god damn spell, I have a cool down. You’ve used your one and only Kleinman Call™ for the next few months, at least. Got it?”

 

Evan nods again, eyebrows furrowing. “I- uh. Yes? Yeah. I do. But- still.”

 

“...Fine. Don’t mention it. So long as you don’t go do something fucking ridiculous, because I’m sure it’d come back around to me, and Murphy would kick the living shit out of me. And I don’t think he’d be too happy with you doing something stupid, either. So. Don’t. I’ll- see you later.”

 

Without giving Evan a second to respond, he hears the line go silent, and he immediately sets his phone down at his side, steeling himself before he stands, a hand heavy against the wall as he trudges out of his room and down the stairs, heart heavy in his chest.

 

By the time he even gets downstairs, it dawns on him that he has absolutely no clue as to how to find him. Connor has a car. Hypothetically, Connor Murphy could get everywhere and anywhere, because it’s a great car, and he doesn’t get lost. He knows, more than anything, that if Connor wanted to get away, he could, and it’s all the more reason for him to put his sneakers back on and stand back up.

 

The last thing that he’s expecting as he steps out the front door is for Connor to be sitting on his porch step with a stream of smoke slipping past his lips. He watches as Connor’s head tips back, looking up at him, and focuses shakily as Connor’s lips part into an ‘O’.

 

“...Hey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so fucking fun to write. Like, I know that's probably a not good thign to say because of the circumstances, but I wrote like 900 words of Jared and Evan interacting and it was fun. I really don't want people to hate Jared. 
> 
> Blahblahblah, [askblog](https://ask-evan-reinvented.tumblr.com/), blahblah blah,
> 
> Thank you for reading and encouraging me! I'll try to have Chapter 30 up on its scheduled date, but after that, I believe I'm going to have to actually finally start spreading chapters out, and I apologize in advance. Even though I know you're all gonna hop on my ass and insist that it's okay. I still gotta.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes Evan a solid five seconds before he can even bring himself to do anything.
> 
> He just finds himself staring at Connor, and Connor’s staring back, watching him carefully, carefully, as if at any moment, Evan’s going to wake up on his floor upstairs and Connor’s going to have already left, and gone far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/163052766452/reinvention-chapter-30) link!

It takes Evan a solid five seconds before he can even bring himself to do  _ anything.  _

 

He just finds himself staring at Connor, and Connor’s staring back, watching him carefully, carefully, as if at any moment, Evan’s going to wake up on his floor upstairs and Connor’s going to have already left, and gone far away. Because, really, this seems too good to be true after that, and his throat is still burning, but there’s something about the way that Connor sniffles that tells Evan it’s not like he was just out here having a good time.

 

When he finally gets himself together enough to hesitantly lower himself onto the porch step beside Connor, the first words out of his mouth are “I’m sorry”, and he feels Connor shift beside him, glancing down in time to see Connor leaning forward to snub out the butt of his cigarette against the ground. 

 

“Don’t be.”

 

Evan’s eyebrows furrow, and he wipes at his eyes, shaking his head. “...What are you-- what do you mean?”

 

He watches Connor as he shrugs, and his lips purse before he leans forward against himself, shoulders raising in a shrug. “None of that was your fault. You have to know that.”

  
  
“Yeah, but I-”

 

“--were trying to help. You were just trying to help, that’s all, and I flipped shit, and  _ I’m sorry _ .”

 

“...I should’ve left you alone.” 

 

Connor’s answer is another shrug, and his gaze flickers up to the sky, watching the clouds roll by. Evan anxiously follows his gaze, trying to calm himself down completely. Even if they’re just sitting there in silence, Connor’s still here, and he didn’t leave. 

 

By now, the sun’s set, but it’s still kind of light out, and Evan idly wonders if it’s a new moon tonight. His thumb traces over the cuff of Connor’s hoodie, and he draws in a shaky breath, opening his mouth to say something, but Connor beats him to it as he stands to his feet and brushes his pants off. 

 

“...Let’s go climb a fucking tree.”

 

Before Evan can say anything, Connor’s whipping around and heading off into Evan’s backyard, and Evan’s staring at him dumbly until the moment that he’s being called to, at which point he stands up and stumbles off of the front porch steps, hands shaky as he goes over and watches as Connor jumps up and grabs the lowest branch of the tree, hoisting himself up into it.

 

He wants to warn him, wants to tell him to be careful, but before he can, Connor's going higher, and there’s a tightness in Evan’s chest as he follows, hands shaky as he goes from one branch to another. It doesn’t dawn on him until Connor settles on a branch some ways up that it’s been literal months since he’s been in a tree with Connor, and are these branches even sturdy enough to hold the both of them anymore? God, he hopes so. 

 

Hesitant, he pulls himself up regardless, carefully maneuvering to sit beside Connor, who leans into the trunk and puffs out a sigh. 

 

“Jesus Christ.” 

 

Evan remains silent, nodding as his fingers curl around the branch beneath him. “...Yeah.” There's a moment of hesitation before he looks over and takes hold of Connor's hand and lifts it, watching as his fingers curl in, and he catches the mottled dark skin over his knuckles. 

 

“You bruised them.”

 

“Are you surprised?”

 

“I- no. Not really. You- punched the wall really hard.” Evan sniffles, thumb ghosting over Connor's knuckles before he drops his hand completely, once again going to grab the branch. Pausing, he watches the ground. Too much. This is too much. Connor's still quiet, and Evan can't help but wonder if he should have even come out here, because it's not helping like he hoped it would. But at the same time, he's glad he did, because Connor was there. He was right there. 

 

He hears Connor clear his throat, and he looks over in time to make eye contact. Crap. He immediately looks away, sucking in a sharp breath as Connor mumbles an apology again. 

 

For a second, Evan doesn't know what to say. He just shrugs, silent as he focuses on himself, tries to figure out  _ something  _ to say, but go figure that as soon as he has, it's anything but what he wanted to say out loud. 

 

“It's-  _ not _ okay. Not really? Not- right now.” He winces, averts his gaze more as his shoulders hunch in. "I- mean… I know that this isn't- that was bad. Back there. But I know you didn't, um. Mean it? At least I. Hope you didn't? But-”

 

“...I would never hurt you, Evan. I wouldn't. I didn't mean to- and I know. I know that's not just gonna magically fucking fix everything, because that- that was fucked. I fucked up really, really bad.”

 

“No. I know. I know you wouldn't. You- didn't, um. Let me finish?” Evan shifts “...Things- can be okay. And-- eventually they'll  _ be _ okay, I think, even if it's not now, and it takes us a while, they-  _ will _ be, Connor. They have to be.”

 

“...I'm dating an optimist.”

 

Evan practically snorts, laughing as he shakes his head and shifts on the branch. “Yeah. I dunno about that, Connor?”

 

“You just- the mindset? That you can sit there and pretend like everything's okay, all the time, no matter what, even when they aren't, and-”

 

“I mean  _ we'll  _ be okay. Like. Us. Together. I think. Because I've known you for- years, and I don't plan on dropping you, or this, for anything. I  _ love _ you, Connor.” He pauses, shifting. “I know not everything is alright. And it's far from it sometimes. Like.” He shifts again, trying to get rid of the tight feeling in his chest. It's not working. 

 

“Evan, what's up?”

 

“...Things aren't always okay.” 

 

“Yeah. I get that. But you look sick.”

 

Evan shrugs hard, fingers curling into the bark on the tree. “Sometimes it's really easy to sit here and think. Hey. How great would it be if I could fall right now with no repercussions? Like, it'd be great, Connor, and-”

 

“Don't.”

 

Evan feels an arm loop around his shoulders, and he goes silent. His gaze remains to the ground, tapping his foot against the air as he’s tugged into Connor’s side, and he closes his eyes shut tight.

 

“Connor…”

 

“I said,  _ don’t, _ Evan,” is Connor’s response, and for a moment, he gets worried. He gets scared because there’s a lift in his voice that sounds like he’s a hair away from yelling again, but there are fingers spreading out gently, gently over his shoulder. “I know. I get it. I do. I  _ do _ . And you know that I do. And I know that you’re not-- I know you can’t just  _ stop _ that shit, but you can at the very least  _ talk  _ to me about it, because you aren’t alone, you’ve never been alone with that, you-- you know, and-”

 

“- _ You _ can talk to me, too.” 

 

The air falls still and silent after that, and if it weren’t for the crickets outside, it would be too much. Connor’s arm doesn’t move from around him, but he knows that he’s avoiding eye contact when he looks over in time to see Connor looking up, and away, at the leaves, or the sky, or the stars, or something. Evan can’t pinpoint it to be sure. He’s only positive that Connor’s breathing, which is a good sign, but the way that it catches in his throat every now and then leads Evan to know more than anything that he’s not as okay as he’s saying he is, and it makes his chest ache. 

 

He lets the silence hang there for what seems like forever. He remains silent as he watches wisps of cloud move slowly past the moon, and the stars, obscuring constellations from his view. There’s a few seconds before he finally takes the moment to lean into Connor’s side. Evan’s eyes finally break from the sky in order to look back to Connor, focus on the fact that his free arm is looped around the trunk of the tree in attempt to ground himself there. Even then, it takes another moment before Evan finally clears his throat, leaning in closer to him.

 

“...I’m serious, Connor.”

  
  
“I know. I know you are.” He feels Connor’s fingers twitch against his shoulder, and he sighs softly, sniffling before he reaches a hand up, gently pushing Connor’s hair back and out of his face before he leans in and presses a ghost of a kiss against his cheek. He’s almost positive that his breath hitches, and there’s a tension that definitely wasn’t there before, but it’s gone within a moment, and Evan pauses.

 

“I- what happened back there?”

 

The racing in his chest has finally calmed down, even just a bit, and it settles on him that he’s focused hard on Connor at this point- at the way that he’s still looking away, and the way that his eyebrows knit together as soon as the question is asked.

 

Focused on the fact that he’s anything but alright, no matter how hard he tries to pretend that he is.

 

“I freaked out. I- thought we kind of covered that already, Ev.”

 

“No, we- not really. You-” He sighs, shifting a bit on the branch to look at him easier, swallowing the nerves of the fact that the  _ last _ time they were in a tree like this--

 

“Get out of your head, Evan.”

  
  
“Right, I- sorry.” His eyebrows furrow, looking down abashedly before he looks back up at Connor. “But-- that’s exactly it, though? You-... I know you get worried about me, Connor, but I, um- you… You need to- I can help you out, too. I’m not- the only one who needs to have someone to listen.” He reaches his hand up to push his fingers back through his hair as he sighs, fingers curling if only slightly before he drops it again. 

 

“Don’t. Please don’t. Evan, I’m-”

 

“Connor, I can’t just  _ not _ with this. You’re important, and you don't- you don't seem to, um- get it all the time. And I don't, either, but you con-- constantly remind me, and… you listen, and you need someone to listen to you, too.” His hand raises from the branch to let it move to Connor's leg, and he squeezes carefully, sucking in a sharp breath.

 

There's silence again. It's long, and thick, and heavy, and Evan wonders if he should just tell him nevermind and get on with the night. Just sit here, in silence, and appreciate the fact that Connor's here, Connor's not going anywhere, and he's okay. 

 

But then Connor speaks up. 

 

His voice is soft, and it's almost like he took everything he had to speak, but Evan doesn't miss it when Connor whispers that he's  _ scared.  _ And he repeats. 

 

“I'm terrified, Ev. Of doing shit like that. But when I- It just- I can't handle it. I don't want to handle it. I know I'm fucked up, Evan, that's not- I've known it. It's not easy to just ignore, but I wish I  _ could _ .”

 

He's looking around again, keeping his focus on anything but Evan, and Evan brings a hand up to his cheek, trying hard to ignore the fact that he's shaking. “...Hey.”

 

Connor turns then, maybe a little too fast, looking towards Evan without a word. 

 

“You're- allowed to be? Scared, I mean? Because that's- it's normal, and-”

 

“I don't know how to  _ deal _ with it, Evan. I can't fucking just sit there and accept the fact that I'm- that this is  _ normal _ , that it's an okay thing to do, I just  _ can't! _ ” His voice breaks, and Evan's chest gets tight. 

 

“...It's okay.”

 

“It's not! It's really, really not, because I can't- how the fuck am I supposed to deal with myself if I don't even want to admit to the fact that I  _ need _ to?”

 

“You- um… You do a really good job with me, Connor? Like, a really good job. There's never been anyone who can help me- help me out so much, but then you're there, and everything feels safe and okay and I'm  _ happy _ with you.”

 

“That's- it's  _ different,  _ Evan, because you're  _ you _ , and I can handle you, but I'm- I'm…”

 

Evan shakes his head, slowly, gently moving his hand to cup his cheek again, drawing in a soft breath before he looks up to the sky. “You're Connor, and you're amazing, and the best boyfriend I could ask for. Because you're- you're you? And you have problems, and I know that, and I can't- I can't fix it. I know I can't fix it. And I wouldn't try to, because what kind of  _ friend _ would I be if I didn't accept-  _ you _ ? Yeah, all that- it all sucks, but you're  _ Connor _ , and-”

 

He's ready to keep going, but he feels Connor's grip tighten on him, and he focuses on him again, eyebrows furrowing. “...Connor?” 

 

He makes eye contact without meaning to, and it's at that moment that he wishes he hadn't, because Connor's expression crumples, and Evan's positive that the sound he makes is the saddest thing he's heard. He's crying, he's  _ crying _ , and Evan's chest gets tight before he scoots closer to lock his arm up around Connor's back. He feels Connor's head duck down into his shoulder just as he lets out a sob that's probably closer to a wail, and then there are fingers curling into the hoodie on Evan's back, and Evan can't breathe. 

 

“It's- it's okay,” is all he can manage, fingers gently spreading out over his back. “I'm- I'm not going anywhere.” He's quick to move closer, maintaining balance on the branch as he holds Connor close. He's never seen him cry like this, he realizes, and it hits him all the more as Connor's faces turns and buries into his neck. Hesitant, Evan draws a hand up into Connor's hair, and he brushes through it gently.

 

It dawns on him that he's lost for words, and maybe that's okay right now, he convinces himself. Maybe Connor needs the silence, or maybe he doesn't, and Evan just holds his breath as Connor lets out another sob. He wants to tell him to let it out, but it sounds stupid in his head, so he doesn't. Instead he just sits there with him, rubbing his back until Connor is reduced to sniffles after what seems like forever. 

 

“Do you want to get down?” he whispers after a long moment, and Connor's nod is enough before he begrudgingly lets go, watching as Connor pulls away and drags a hand over his face, looking away as he starts down, branch after branch, until he's finally on the ground, and Evan hastily follows. 

 

As soon as he's grounded, he feels Connor tug him into a hug again, and Evan goes silent, merely returning the gesture. There's something about the silence that feels okay right now, and when Connor thanks him, Evan's quick to shake his head. 

 

“It's- you're welcome, but- you- you needed that.” Connor shrugs a little, but his grip tightens, and Evan leans up to land a kiss against his cheek, pulling back to gently wipe away the tears. 

 

In a better situation, he feels like Connor would laugh at him, but instead he just smiles softly, sniffling.

 

“You really are something, Evan Hansen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There she is, the highly anticipated chapter 30. She's longer than chapters have been in a while. I never thought that I would get this far, and I just really want to thank you all so, sososo much. I never thought I'd hit so many hits or kudos or get so much positive feedback? And I still can't get over that. 
> 
> But anyway, yes. Thank you all, you can hmu on tumblr @[tearezicryrope](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com), or find me at the new [Reinvention askblog](https://ask-evan-reinvented.tumblr.com/) where you can drop in and check up on the kids, but afterhours. Like a talk show. 
> 
> This marks the end of regular updates. Yikes. A terrifying subject, but I hope that it'll all work out well. Enjoy!


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the time they’re in the living room, the sun’s gone from the sky completely, and the only sounds are the ticking of the clock in the kitchen, and Connor’s breathing (accompanied by the occasional sniffle.) He’s almost terrified to break the silence by now- it’s comfortable, and Connor’s leaning into his side on the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/163868216157/reinvention-chapter-31) link!

Evan doesn’t really realize just how much Connor needed to talk until they’re inside again.

 

He had ushered them both inside after just a moment, insisting that they need to get inside before they get chewed alive by the mosquitoes. It was something that Connor laughed at, harsh and fast and loud- a familiar sound that Evan loves almost as much as he loves Connor himself.

 

By the time they’re in the living room, the sun’s gone from the sky completely, and the only sounds are the ticking of the clock in the kitchen, and Connor’s breathing (accompanied by the occasional sniffle.) He’s almost terrified to break the silence by now- it’s comfortable, and Connor’s leaning into his side on the couch. 

 

It's been a long day. 

 

So, he raises a hand to rake his fingers through Connor's hair, lips pressed together as he pauses in order to gauge his reaction before he does it again. Connor doesn't do much- he moves closer and leans into it, but otherwise remains quiet. So far so good. Aside from the fact that Evan feels like he’s trying to hold his breath to preserve the silence, he’s content as is, and he’s ready to remain quiet. 

 

The plan, however, fails, because Connor’s talking before he can register the words, and Evan blinks and looks over towards him.

 

“I’m-- sorry, what?”

 

“I said. Stop holding your breath, Evan. You’re allowed to breathe. You aren’t  _ bothering _ me by breathing.” His sentence is cut off as his arm loops over Evan's shoulders and he tugs him closer- a motion that has Evan going rigid, and it takes a solid five seconds before he can relax, closing his eyes. 

 

“Right. Right, of- course. I'm-”

 

“Don't be.”

 

Evan falls silent again, breath catching before he listens. Connor's voice is still  _ soft _ . He wonders, to some degree, if his throat just hurts from crying, but regardless, he doesn't pry. He just lets himself move closer, fingers winding once again through Connor's hair before he sucks in a little breath. 

 

“Do- you have a hair tie ?”

 

Connor's response is silent- it's him reaching for the hair tie around his wrist and gently holding it out to Evan. It's quiet and soft and kind, and Evan is careful as he takes it and leans up to press a ghost of a kiss to Connor's jaw, mumbling a ‘thanks’ to him before he nudges him to turn. 

 

He does. 

 

Evan scoots closer to him, silent as can be as he just focuses on breathing, and on Connor. His hands move gently through his hair, almost expertly, as he pulls together strand after strand, gradually falling to a rhythm. After a moment, he takes it on himself to begin to hum, mumbling lyrics under his breath as keeps close to Connor. 

 

He feels Connor keep jolting beneath his touch, and it's a familiar sort of jump- one that keys Evan in on the fact that Connor's dozing, and it's a thought that brings a smile to his face as he weaves a French braid into Connor's hair, tying it off once he finishes with a whispered ‘ _ there _ .’

 

Everything's still quiet as Connor reaches up to feel it, and Evan watches him turn back around to face him. It takes a moment to register the arms being held up towards him, but he blinks and smiles as he leans immediately into him, content as Connor's arms fold around him tightly. Connor’s silence tells Evan everything and more, and he sighs softly, arms coming back around him. 

 

“This ‘s nice,” Connor mumbles into his hair, and Evan shivers before he laughs and nods, pressing his face into Connor’s shoulder. 

 

“Yeah. It-- it is.Thank you, for- not… leaving.”

 

He feels Connor’s arms tighten around his back in a way that’s almost protective, and almost apologetic. It clicks that he doesn’t know what to do, and he just opts to let his fingers curl tightly around his shirt. 

 

“Sorry I worried you,” is the response he gets, and Evan almost laughs, but he holds it back, just shaking his head. 

 

“You’re here now. And- Better, I think. I- think we’re- we’re both gonna be okay, Connor.” Evan breathes in, closing his eyes. “I know we’ll never-- never be, um- one hundred percent? But we can get pretty darn close, I think. All- All things considered.” He nods a little bit, smiling as he pulls back from Connor’s chest, looking up at him. He meets Connor’s gaze and his smile only grows, tilting his head just enough to look up at him properly, and catch the smile that plays over Connor’s lips as he speaks.

 

“You really are an optimist, you know.”

 

Before he can say anything to fight it, Connor’s hand is up on his cheek, and he’s being led into a kiss that makes him actually giggle. 

 

He lets out another laugh as Connor moves to kiss his nose, but before he can reciprocate the action, he hears a car in the driveway, and Evan falls silent, looking up to Connor before he simply leans into his side, hand idly moving up to play with his hair again.

 

“Is that--”

  
  
“Probably my mom? I think. I- didn’t know she’d be home early tonight?” Evan’s eyebrows furrow, but a peek up to the door as it opens answers his question as a disheveled looking Heidi Hansen shuffles through the doorway, looking immediately towards the couch, and making eye contact with Evan.

 

“Oh-- Oh!” Heidi’s expression immediately splits into a warm smile, and Evan smiles back, sinking comfortably into Connor’s side as he turns back around.

 

“Hi, mom. Early night..?” 

 

The way that Heidi laughs is enough to ease whatever tension there could have been in the room, and she just nods, ushering herself to the kitchen. “It was a long day. They let me off. And I don’t have class tonight, so!” She laughs softly, poking her head back into the living room. It feels like she’s dancing around something, and Evan can’t tell what, but it’s weird. 

 

“...So?”

  
  
“ _ So _ , how would you two like a cup of hot chocolate?”

 

Evan wants to open his mouth and question it, ask her why, or what she’s doing, but before he can, Connor’s calling back a “yes, please,” and his mouth goes dry before he smiles, and nudges him gently.

 

“...Let’s go-- do you want to go help her?”

 

Connor’s shrug is enough of an answer as he sits up and stretches, immediately making a grab for Evan’s hand as he heads towards the kitchen. He can’t help but wonder as he trails after him just how tired he must be after all of that, but he doesn’t pry. Instead, he tries to focus on the way that his mom’s expression breaks out in that big smile the moment they walk into the kitchen, or the way that Connor  _ actually smiles back _ .

 

Wow.

 

There's a moment of silence before Heidi clears her throat and turns towards them, arms crossing carefully against her chest as she leans against the counter while the kettle of water boils on the stove. For a moment, Evan finds himself studying the pattern on her scrubs today. They're the pale pink ones with flowers and bunnies dotted all over them, and Evan remembers picking them out for her years ago. 

 

The fact that she still wears them makes him smile, but they prove to be enough of a distraction that he doesn’t entirely recognize the fact that his mom’s speaking. When it clicks, he looks up, sucking in a breath as he apologizes softly, pushing his hands into his pockets and circling the island to join Connor’s side, leaning against the counter as he watches the kettle. 

 

“Is Connor staying the night again?”

 

Oh. “Uh- yeah, he- he is. That's not- a problem, right?”

 

Heidi smiles that warm, familiar mom smile, and Evan feels like any nerve that he has about this is ridiculous. “No, of course not! It wouldn't be. I was just wondering if…” Heidi trails off, pressing her lips together before she carefully pushes her hands into her pockets. “Is- everything going alright at home, dear?”

 

It's not a question that Evan’s expecting, and apparently Connor isn't either, given by the way that he goes completely still. Evan's fingers twitch in against his palm, and he looks away, swallowing as he opens his mouth in attempt to make something up, but Connor speaks before he can. 

 

“Nah. It's shit-  _ sorry _ . It's- crap.”

 

Evan nearly has to stop himself from smiling at the way that Connor tries to  _ censor  _ himself, but he doesn't, because the reality of the situation is weighing on him again, and he feels like he can't breathe. Things  _ aren't  _ alright at Connor's house. He sucks in a breath just as his mother speaks up again. 

 

“Oh, dear… I'm sorry to hear,” she turns away after frowning- Evan can practically hear Connor mentioning  _ ‘that sad look on her face’ _ \- and reaches up into the cabinet for two mugs.

 

As she turns back around, she sets them down on the island- one's a #1 Mom mug that Evan got her in the third grade, and the other is one with a careful tree painted on it that Evan has a distinct memory of creating in one of those pottery places with Connor during middle school. Evan makes eye contact with Connor over the #1 Mom Mug, and Evan watches as he pulls that one closer to him. 

 

He can't help but smile, if only for a moment, because there's something about Connor with his hair in a braid holding a #1 Mom mug that just feels perfect. 

 

But the perfect moment ends with Heidi asking Evan to grab the cocoa mix. He nods, moving over towards the cabinets, and she continues talking. 

 

“If you want to tell me about it, you can. But don't feel pressured, it's alright-”

 

“Augh, no, no, it's-” Connor moves to push his his hair back, but lets his hand fall to his neck as he remembers it's in a braid. “It's just- Larry's not too keen on the whole- dating  _ boys _ thing you know?” He shrugs, glancing down before he barks out a laugh, and it makes Evan's shoulders go rigid. Of course.

 

But the answer that Heidi gives is a soft click of her tongue as she pulls away from the counter. 

 

“Now- that's just ridiculous.” Her eyebrows furrow, and her hands move from her pockets to her hips. “Why should it matter to him who you do and don't like? You're his son.”

 

Evan returns with two packets of hot chocolate mix and shifts, going to carefully tear them open and pour them into each mug. From the corner of his eye, he can see Connor go still, and his mother's comforting words finally click in his head.  _ She's right,  _ but it doesn't make it easy. 

 

“Yeah, I- I know, Ms.- Heidi, but fuck if that's gonna stop him from making the attempt on acting like I'm the one and only thing tearing the house apart.” Connor's voice sort of wavers, and Evan anxiously reaches down for his hand, scooting closer to his side before he laces their fingers together and squeezes, as if to reassure him.

 

He gets a smile in response before he shifts closer, and Evan's gaze falls to the floor, because then his mother's talking again. 

 

“He's not thinking right.” She moves over to the both of them, kettle in hand as she goes to pour water in each mug, fingers drumming against her thigh with her free hand. “And that's ridiculous of him. It's ridiculous if he can't see past that, because he can't see how good he has it.”

 

She looks up towards Connor before she moves to put the kettle back on the stove, and Evan squeezes his hand again, gaze fixed on the tiles. 

 

“Thanks- thank you, really- but it's fine. It's not like I'm not  _ used _ to it by now, you know? So it's-”

 

Heidi shakes her head, and Evan feels Connor go still at his side, so he looks up in time to see her hands up on Connor's cheeks.

 

"Sweetie, I'm sorry. I don't think they understand just how good they have it with a son like you," is what she whispers to him before she drops her hands and wraps her arms around Connor in a careful hug. Evan feels Connor's grip on his hand tighten before he lets go to sort of reciprocate the gesture, even if it's awkward and stiff. 

 

Evan sucks in a breath, looking away before he feels Connor's hand on his wrist tugging him closer, at which point Heidi steps back and smiles. “You're a good kid, Connor. Don't forget that just because your dad's wrong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoah, hey, remember me?
> 
> Never forget that I've already sold my soul for this fic and no matter how long it takes me to actually fucking write these chapters now, I'm not going to just let it die. I love my boys too much and I have a future planned for them.
> 
> But. Yeah! So. You can find me @[tearezicryrope](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com) as per usual.
> 
> And also on the [Reinvention askblog](https://ask-evan-reinvented.tumblr.com/), even though I've been lacking on there, too. And I am so sorry. I'm just So Sorry.
> 
> Thanks for all of the comments and everything, though! Almost 1.8k kudos and over 19k hits?? Wow. Fucking WOW. I'm blest.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the night is spent in the living room laughing over a bad movie with hot chocolate and pasta, and they almost feel like a family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/164970979312/reinvention-chapter-32) link!

The rest of the night is spent in the living room laughing over a bad movie with hot chocolate and pasta, and they almost feel like a family. 

 

It doesn’t end until Evan is falling asleep on Connor and Heidi winds up nudging them both awake to go upstairs before it gets too late, because they  _ do _ have school tomorrow.

 

Even as they drift off, Connor mumbles that he loves Evan, and Evan is positive that there hasn’t been a moment when he’s felt more sure of how things are going.

 

\--

 

When they wake up the next morning, it's to the smell of bacon, and Evan doesn't remember the last time that breakfast has been on the table when he wakes up. That said, he doesn't complain when he finds himself sitting across from Connor with a piece of bacon between his fingers, and Connor staring at him with the most exhausted look on his face. 

 

He's actually pretty sure that Connor doesn't actually speak more than three words until he's in the car driving him to school ten minutes later. 

 

“You know, Ev, we could just skip.”

 

Evan can't decide whether he should laugh or roll his eyes or just smile, but he winds up covering a laugh behind his hand regardless, lips curled into a smile. “You- I think you suggest that every day, Connor. I dunno. We can't- avoid school all- all the time, you know? Especially not if we- wanna graduate in a few months, and- stuff.”

 

The look that he gets in response would be almost comedic if he didn't know completely well that it was genuine. He musters a smile either way, though, fingers coming up against his arm before he squeezes gently. 

 

“Since when have I cared? God, Evan, you make it sound so damn close, but-”

 

“It is! Close, I mean. It- you- we really are close to graduation. It's only a few more months, Connor. It would just suck, you know? To, like- get-- behind. I don’t know.” He shifts, mashing his lips together before he breathes in. “I just don’t want that to happen. To you. Because- it would be… bad. And- I really want to walk with you. At graduation, I mean? I- It’s exciting. To think about.”

 

Connor barks out a laugh as he finally pulls into a parking space, pushing his fingers back through his hair. “Okay, okay. It’s alright, Ev.” He cuts the power before he pulls the key out, turning to him and leaning over to press a gentle kiss to his temple. He barely even chirps out a ‘thank you’ before he moves closer, leaning over and across the console to press a kiss to the corner of his lips. 

 

It’s easy to forget sometimes that they aren’t home. Oh well.

 

“...Let’s- get this over with?” He forces a smile before he moves to get out of the car, drawing in a breath as he stretches out. The school is surprisingly quiet, he finds, and it would almost be unsettling if it weren’t for the fact that some part of him knows too well that it’s probably a result of the fact that they park in a quieter part of the lot and slip in through the back, away from where a majority of the student body gathers. Away from the noise, and the crowds. 

 

But not, however, away from Jared Kleinman.

 

Just as Evan pushes through the doors, there’s an arm around his shoulders and he’s being spun around to look at Connor, who’s standing in the doorway with the most disgusted look on his face as he speaks up.

 

“Kleinman.”

 

“Murphy! How are the knuckles feeling, dude? I heard you had a run in with Evan’s  _ wall _ last-”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“You tried to punch him? Like, holy shit, Connor, I knew you were aggressive but nearly landing one on your boooooyfriend? That’s next level shit, Murphy, like what the fuck?”

 

Evan jerks away from him, spinning away in time to watch the smirk growing on Jared’s face. He looks smug as all hell, and he can’t bury the uncomfortable feeling growing in his chest. 

 

“Jared, that’s not funny.”

 

“Did I say it was funny?” Jared snorts, crossing his arms before he gestures aimlessly towards Connor. “He almost punched you, Evan, did you even talk to him?”

 

“Why wouldn’t- Of course we talked, Jared, we’re not-”

 

Jared cuts him off with a sharp laugh, and Evan doesn’t even need to glance over to Connor to entirely register the fact that he’s getting antsy. He can practically hear his foot tapping, see the way that his fingers are twitching at his thighs and picking at his sleeves through the thumb-holes. It makes his stomach turn in a thousand uncomfortable ways, but he stays still regardless, doing nothing more but moving closer to him.

 

“So you’re telling me you actually listened? God damn, Evan Hansen, maybe you are growing some.” Jared shrugs, waving him off before he can speak, and Evan feels his face flush red, eyebrows furrowed. 

 

“Jared-”

 

“You called  _ Jared? _ ”

 

“I was  _ panicking _ , Connor, I didn’t know what to-”

 

“He was flipping shit because you almost punched him. Christ, Murphy, you’re in like, all AP classes, I know you aren’t  _ stupid _ , what the fuck’s keeping this from getting through your head?”

 

Evan makes a face, hastily reaching down to grab Connor’s wrist, fingers curling tight around it before he can think twice of it. “Can- you-- you can walk to class without me. Please?” he manages, squeezing his wrist gently before he lets go. “Text me, and- I’ll see you at lunch? Promise.”

 

Connor casts a wary gaze between Jared and Evan before he shrugs and nods. “Yeah. Catch you, Ev. Don’t let him fuck you over,” he mumbles under his breath, otherwise silent as he heads away, successfully leaving Evan alone with… Jared.

 

Fantastic.

 

Evan sucks in a breath, mashing his lips together. “Don’t. Get on his back about-- about that? Please. It- He didn’t mean to. And we  _ talked _ about it, and- you don’t-need-to-be-a-jerk-to-him,  _ Jared _ , he knows it was wrong, and- you’re just making him feel- bad? A-And-” 

 

“Holy  _ fucking  _ Christ, Evan, take a breath, would you?” Evan narrows his eyes before he looks up to Jared and does as instructed, drawing in a deep breath and holding it before he puffs it out, watching as Jared goes to lean back against the wall. “You called me mid-fucking-panic attack for the first time in god knows how long because your  _ boyfriend  _ almost-”

 

“Yes! Thank you, Jared! We have that covered! And I’m  _ so glad! _ ”

 

“Are you?” Jared snorts, and the smug look on his face dissipates, replaced with what’s almost a frown, and it makes Evan’s chest go tight. “You’re forgiving him awful goddamn fast, Evan. He threw a punch, you could’ve gotten hurt, and you’re acting like it was fucking nothing. That’s fucked, Evan, you  _ realize _ that, right?”

 

“...He’s not- have you been dwelling on this for a while, Jared? Because it’s not- you’re making it- really big, and it sounds like you don’t  _ trust _ me, and I really need you to trust me because I’m not- I’m not  _ six _ anymore, Jared, I can handle- myself? And-”

 

He’s not expecting a hand in his face. Much less on his shoulder, with fingers squeezing at his arm, and he goes silent, looking towards him. 

 

“Evan. I get it. Okay? I fucking get it, I get that you’re in love with him. And it’s great you have that, but do me a solid and just- ugh.” Jared drops his hand and rolls his eyes, shoving his hands into his pockets hastily. Evan almost asks him what’s wrong, asks if he’s okay, or  _ something,  _ but he doesn’t. He just shifts in his spot and looks down, because he’s absolutely positive that there hasn’t been a moment that they were this close since middle school. “Just take care of yourself.”

 

Oh. 

  
  
Evan’s expression flickers before he nods, eyebrows furrowing.

 

“...Y-Yeah. I- of course I will?” Evan shifts, fidgeting with his nails before his hands fall to the hem of his shirt, tugging at it gently. “Why- why wouldn’t I? I’m- doing okay, Jared, I promise.”

 

The hesitation in Jared’s expression almost leaves Evan speechless, and he can’t think of anything else to do but stand there as Jared takes a step forward and locks an arm around his shoulders in some sort of awkward hug. It’s an odd gesture- almost stiff in the way that he’s being held, but Evan lets an arm come up around him in return.

 

And the moment is gone.

 

He feels Jared break away just as his chin comes in contact with his shoulder, and he watches as Jared brushes himself off and straightens his collar before his arms fold again, shooting a glance to Evan.

 

“...Good to hear. So- listen. Tell your mom everything’s going good? I- still need that car insurance, Hansen.” 

 

Evan manages a nod, raising a hand in a half-hearted wave as he watches Jared turn on his heel and slip away.

 

\--

 

The beginning of the day passed by relatively quickly after that, with a few texts exchanged between Evan and Connor- most of which concerning whether or not Jared backed off, or if class is going alright.

 

Both answers were yes, met with a blue heart at the end of the message, and both times Connor responded with a black one. It was something they were both used to, and Evan was entirely content with it, especially as lunchtime rolled around and Connor was the first to slide into the bench beside him. 

 

Before he can so much as pop a tater tot into his mouth, however, Connor’s fingers are intertwined through his own, and his hand is being squeezed. Evan blinks, looking up in time to see Connor smiling at him, and he manages a smile back, letting go of the bench with his other hand in order to reach up and grab the chicken patty off of his tray, picking at the bun before he takes a bite. Connor grabs a tater tot, and Evan hums, content in the silence until the population of the lunch table grows.

 

Jared’s the first to meet them at the table, sitting down and stretching out before his backpack is on the table, and he’s tugging out a brown paper bag and a math book. Alana slips in next, face buried in some book that Evan’s going to guess is for AP Literature, and finally Zoe takes her place beside Alana with a smile, indigo lunchbag tapping against the surface of the table before she starts to unpack her lunch.

 

Whatever silence that was there initially is gone within thirty seconds, because Jared chugs an orange soda from his backpack and burps, and it sets the entire table off within a moment’s time. Alana reaches over to deliver a light swat to his arm, and Connor busies himself with another one of Evan’s tater tots in order to muffle a bout of laughter that’s threatening to bubble past his lips. Evan, who just focuses once again on his chicken patty, entirely too content with today for it to feel real.

 

“So- Everyone’s classes?” Alana chirps after a moment. “Things are going well, I assume? I mean, I know I’ve got a pretty busy schedule, and Connor and I have a research project due next Tuesday-”

 

“-Don’t. Remind me. Please.”

 

“Oh, but we need to do it! You've already gotten though so much, Connie, you have to do this project!” There's almost a pout on Alana’s lips, and it almost makes Evan smile as Connor rolls his eyes and scoffs, popping another tater tot into his mouth. 

 

“How are  _ you _ doing, Evan?” 

 

“Hm?” Evan blinks, wide eyes flickering over to Connor as he's addressed, and it clicks that there are four pairs of eyes on him. Oh. “My- day is- it's good. I'm good. I'm really excited for graduation, you know, because- because high school is, stressful, and-” he smiles a little, fidgeting with his nails before he sucks in a breath and nods, almost unconsciously squeezing Connor's hand. “It's- I'm looking forward to it, is all.”

 

Jared scoffs, rolling his eyes. “You're looking forward to it so that you can have more cuddle time with your fucking boyfriend, that’s all. That’s literally it, Hansen, and you know it.”

 

“N-No! It is not, Jared, it isn’t, don’t act like it is! I just- I want to get out of high school, so that I can graduate and- do what I want? What makes me happy, and-”

 

“And what makes you happy is being at home with your  _ boyfriend _ , Evan, we get it. Christ, get a goddamn room already. Speaking of-”

 

Oh, no. Evan goes still, eyes moving up to Jared as he places his chicken patty down, lips pursing. His gaze flickers to Zoe and Alana, stomach sinking as he registers that they’re totally, definitely not paying attention, and Jared keeps going before he can be stopped.

 

“Are you two gonna like, fucking get a house and a pet like some cheesy TV couple?” Jared reaches over the table and grabs one of Evan’s tater tots, running it through some ketchup before he pops it in his mouth, chewing loudly. “I mean, fuck, you two probably have everything all sorts of lined up. It’s probably nasty, too, like-”

 

Evan’s pretty sure he’s shaking, so when Connor opens his mouth to respond, he looks up, but what leaves his mouth is just about the opposite of whatever he was hoping to hear.

 

“You know, Kleinman, I might take you up on that. I fucking love dogs, and also being a power-bottom, thanks for asking.”

 

Evan chokes on the sip of milk that he’d just taken, a hand hastily raising to cover his mouth in order to avoid spillage, and before he can speak, Zoe Murphy is practically  _ shrieking. _

 

“ _ Connor! _ ”

 

Connor looks up with a lazy grin, raising his shoulders in a shrug. “He wouldn’t lay off, what do you want me to say?” he muses, an eyebrow raised. “I mean, fuck, it’s not the end of the goddamn world, Zo. Plus- look at him, he’s getting a fucking kick outta this.” Connor motions idly to Jared, who is, indeed, clutching at his stomach and laughing  _ hard _ .

 

Evan, on the other hand, is completely still before he brings his hands up and buries his face into them. “Oh my  _ God _ ,” is all he can manage, heart racing. “I- I mean, oh my  _ God _ , Connor, you just- you- you can’t just  _ say _ that-”

 

“Yeah, but see, I just did.”

 

Evan doesn’t know what to say after that- he just ducks his head down, face on fire, before he leans into Connor’s side with a huff, thumb running over his knuckles before he turns back to his food, hesitant as he lifts his chicken patty to take a bite. In some poor attempt to get himself to calm down, he looks down, focusing on his and Connor’s hands intertwined beneath the table. After a moment of focusing, he's able to block out whatever Jared and Connor are bickering about, or whatever it is that Alana keeps chirping in. It’s mostly just an even drone by that point, and Evan’s left with his thoughts.

 

One: They’re still a mess, and he knows it. But at the same time, Two: They can get better, and he  _ knows _ it. 

 

Right now, sitting at lunch as a group, with Connor by his side and his friends around him, it clicks in his head that they’re  _ working on it _ . Things aren’t perfect, not by a long shot, but they can work it out. 

 

Even as lunch inevitably ends, and Evan finds himself being pulled to his feet, he doesn't let go of Connor's hand, waving to everyone with his free hand as he's whisked away by Connor.  He glances back in time to see Jared lean over to pull the tray to himself, finishing off the tater tots, and Zoe leaning against Alana’s shoulder in order to look at  _ something  _ that makes her laugh. 

 

Connor's voice breaks him from whatever trance he's gotten himself in, though, attention snapping up as soon as he hears his voice. 

 

“Hey, Ev, you just- zoned out pretty hard there, you okay?” His thumb runs over Evan's knuckles, and he smiles up at him, nodding just once.

 

“...I will be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit! It's me! It's me and this is Chapter 32, AKA the chapter I've been working on for a month, AKA one of my favorite chapters yet, AKA The Kleinman Redemption™. Thank you for tuning in. I'm in college now! It's really weird and today I actually woke up late for a class and I feel a little dead inside but!!! WOULDJA LOOK AT THAT, A NEW CHAPTER!
> 
> So. Announcements.  
> There's a Reinvention Discord Server now!!! If you're interested in joining, you can shoot me a message on either my main tumblr @[tearezicryrope](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com), or at the [Reinvention askblog](https://ask-evan-reinvented.tumblr.com/). It's a little late, yeah, but like. I dunno, it'll be fun. Trust me.
> 
> Also! It's my good friend Chase's birthday AKA the person who made me write this so Happy Birthday to him. 
> 
> Is there anything? Else? No, I don't think so? So. Awesome! Have a great day.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s easy to fall into a schedule over the remaining months of school. Connor spends whatever time that he can over at Evan’s house, and Evan cannot find a place to complain about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/167290533342/reinvention-chapter-33) link!

It’s easy to fall into a schedule over the remaining months of school. Connor spends whatever time that he can over at Evan’s house, and Evan cannot find a place to complain about it.

 

Even when he gets swamped with homework, Connor manages to make him relax- even if it means dragging his books away from him and making him lay down for thirty minutes, or longer, or dragging him down to the kitchen to grab him a granola bar, or a bowl of cereal, or _something_. They were good about that; keeping each other on track even when they couldn’t be bothered to care for themselves.

 

But then, of course, there were the days when Connor had to go home. He'd typically spend a few days- long enough to get pissed off to levels that, each time, he claimed were ‘the highest yet’. And by this point, Evan's learned to believe him. He learns to believe through the 2 AM calls, and the ‘wish-you-were-heres’ when all he can think to respond with is a sleepy laugh, and a soft ‘I'm just down the block.’

 

The distance feels like all too much when it comes down to it, really, despite the fact that it’s never terrible, and lately it's not often. And even then, distance is the least of the problems on their plates in the long run. Connor going back to the Murphys’ house is nothing compared to school, and upcoming finals, or college applications, or graduation looming over their heads like some sinister mistletoe.

 

Graduation doesn’t even feel real at this point, really. The fact that they’ve been through so much school, and they’re just going to be thrown into the world without another thought is almost baffling, but there’s some level of excitement in the back of Evan’s mind about it. Leaving high school, the possibility of some sort of _something_ with Connor…  None of it feels real, but he’s excited for it nonetheless.

 

The school day, as per usual, does not take long to pass by. At least, it doesn’t seem to, with sporadic texts throughout the day: an occasional heart, or a poorly executed joke, or a promise of an after school movie marathon while they worked.  Logically, Evan is entirely aware that seven hours don’t pass by in one, but when Connor’s leaning against his locker and grinning at him, he feels like he can’t remember whatever it was that Mrs. Brown was talking about in biology today, or whether or not he had homework for English class.

 

The first thing that Connor asks him is if he comes here often, and it has Evan grinning before he presses a hand against Connor's chest and pushes him playfully.

 

"It's- my locker, Connor, I'm here at least twice a day. I'd be better off asking what you're-- why _you're_ here, but--" he cuts himself off with a laugh, and Connor beams at him.

 

"To pick you up?" Connor offers, smirking as he moves to ruffle Evan’s hair- a movement that has Evan shrinking back and smiling before he goes to open his locker, humming to himself as he swaps out his things. “I’m like your chauffeur, Ev, I gotta make sure you’re all set with a ride, or else I won’t get paid.”

 

Evan snorts, kicking his leg back a little to nudge it against Connor’s leg. “I don’t _pay_ you, Connor- if anything, your payment is cookies and soda, and-”

 

“Connor, you need to come home.”

 

Evan pauses as he reaches into his locker, fingers twitching against the smooth cover of his textbook as he picks it up.

 

Home.

 

He can practically feel the change in the atmosphere when Connor moves away from his side, and a single glance to Connor is met with Zoe holding onto his wrist.

 

“Huh? Do I? Because as far as I’m aware, I’m doing pretty damn well as is, Zo. Larry’s-”

 

“Out. For the day. Some work thing, I don’t know. I don’t _care_. He keeps bitching, I’ve just been hanging out upstairs, you know, and-”

 

“Great.” Connor puffs out a breath and laughs. “The house is probably quieter without me, isn’t it? Cynthia’s probably-”

 

Evan watches the look on Zoe’s expression flicker before it falls completely, and he freezes up, because everything feels weird, and _he shouldn’t be here_.

 

“Fuck you, Connor, mom _misses_ you. She keeps asking about you- asking how you _are_? Because you haven’t spoken more than two words to her since you thought it’d be a great idea to ditch.”

 

“Fuck _you_.”

 

Zoe groans, and she turns to Evan, bottom lip jutting out in a pout. “Evan, tell your boyfriend he’s being ridiculous.”

 

“Tell my- what?”

 

“Connor’s being ridiculous. Tell him that.”

 

“I’m standing _right here_ , Zo, what the fuck?”

 

Zoe turns to look to Connor again, still pouting. “I _know_ you’re standing right there, Connor, but you’re being awful. _Evan_ , please, he’ll listen to you.”

 

Evan pauses, voice catching as he glances towards an unamused Connor to his right. This entire situation feels almost comical, and he clears his throat. “...Um- Connor, do you think that you could, maybe, go home? Even if it’s- even if you just visit, maybe? I can-”

 

“Come with me.” Connor speaks up again, successfully shutting up Evan and shocking him at the same time. “I’m sure that’d be-- Zo, that’s fine, yeah?” He taps his foot, glancing to Evan as he slowly closes his locker, waiting for it to click shut.

 

“Connor, I really don’t--” She pauses, regarding Evan before looking again to her brother. “No offense, but I don’t care. Just- come home. Even just an hour. I don’t know. Whatever it takes to get you home.” Zoe shifts a little, adjusting her guitar case over her shoulder before her attention turns again to Evan, who glances down. It wouldn’t be the end of the world to go back with Connor, sure, but the last thing that he wants is to feel out of-

 

“...place, right?”

 

Evan’s gaze snaps up from his books, and he looks over to Connor. “What?”

 

Connor blinks, snorting before he bumps his elbow against Evan’s. “I said- you’re fine going back to my place, right?”

 

Evan feels his face flush, and he nods quickly. “No, yeah! Of course I do, that’s fine. If I- if you want me to, that’s no problem I can totally come along, that’s fine,” he manages, holding the books against his chest tighter as he finally takes in a breath.

 

“I mean, mom likes you, so s’whatever,” Zoe teases, leaning over to him to ruffle his hair playfully before she looks over to Connor with a sly grin. “...I call shotgun.”

 

“Aw- _Zo_ , are you shitting me? Evan gets shotgun, it’s like. An unspoken rule or something, you have to know that.”

 

“Oh- no, it’s- that’s okay. She can take the passenger seat. I’ll sit in the back? That’s alright.” Evan’s fingers flex in against his books again before he smiles at the two of them. “Prom-- Promise.”

 

There's a lingering moment of silence before Connor nods and sighs, reaching forward to squeeze Evan's arm. “Okay. Fine. You win, Zo, so haul ass.”

 

Evan smiles towards Connor before he moves to follow Zoe out of the building, books clutched to his chest and Connor on his arm.

 

\--

 

“You know, I’m pretty sure this car isn’t even just yours-- didn’t mom and dad say it was for both of us?”

 

Zoe slides into the passenger seat and buckles herself in, dumping her backpack off at her feet. Evan watches carefully as she adjusts the seat to sit up more, sit forward sit, and his stomach practically turns. It’s a reminder of how much often he’s actually in the car, just how often that he’s with _Connor_ , and just how little Connor’s actually home. Just how little Zoe’s seen him outside of school lately. His stomach turns again, and he tugs his backpack closer in his lap.

 

“Oh, please. _She_ was ‘ours’ when mom and Larry first bought her, and _you_ didn’t even have your license yet. She’s no one else’s but mine right now- and I’ll consider letting you have _co-_ ownership when you start calling her by her name.” Evan watches as the ghost of a smile tugs at Connor’s lips, and Evan can’t help but smile to himself.

 

“Oh, okay, _she_ has a _name_ now?”

 

“She’s had a name forever! Like, since we-- since _I_ got her.”

 

Zoe rolls her eyes, perching her chin in her open palm. “Oh yeah?” She grins. “What’s _her_ name?”

 

“...Mable,” Connor mumbles in response, glancing away before his gaze fixes on the road ahead. Zoe just grins at him, eyebrows raising.

 

“Mable?” she muses, leaning over the console further. “You named your car _Mable_?” She grins, looking at him carefully, snickering, and Connor reaches over to playfully shove her back.

 

“Shove off, Zo, holy shit, is it so wrong to live a little?”

 

Zoe snorts before she leans back, laughing. “You’re saying that naming the car is your way of living? That’s sad, Connor, real sad.” She smirks, reaching over to ruffle Connor’s hair- something that Connor quickly deflects by pulling a hand off the wheel and shoving Zoe’s hand away.

 

Evan’s almost positive that he’s going to die inside of this car.

 

“I never said that. I do other shit, too. Like… smoke.”

 

Zoe’s nose wrinkles up, and she sticks her tongue out, swatting at Connor’s hand. “That’s nasty-”

 

“And I’m fucking with you. Calm down, Zo, that’s not all I do.”

 

“You also hang out with your boyfriend.” She smirks, drawing the label for a few beats. Evan practically chokes in the backseat, and he hastily turns to roll the window down. Fresh air would be great right now, he thinks, but as soon as his finger is on the button, he pulls his hand away and sits back. It’ll be fine. This’ll be fine.

 

“Yeah, I guess so. And it’s pretty solid. We have fun.”

 

“We just- we- watch movies and eat cookies, Connor, that’s not-”

 

“We have fun,” he repeats, and Evan catches that familiar almost-smile in the rearview smile that makes his heart jump into his throat. He just smiles back, and Evan nods.

 

“Right- we… Yeah.”

 

He hears Zoe laugh before he sees her looking at him, and Evan pauses, looking back at her carefully before she smiles, soft and knowing. “Cute,’ she decides, and the single syllable is enough to light Evan’s face up like a beet.

 

“Zo, holy shit, you’re gonna kill him.” Connor laughs, and Evan tips his head back against the seat, rolling his eyes.

 

“I’m not- dying, Connor, shut up.”

 

“Yeah, Connor, Evan’s not dying!” Zoe grins, and within a moment, she’s leaning over the console again squeezing Connor’s cheek. “I dunno if we could say the same about you, though. Can anyone say _flustered_?” she jeers, and Connor jerks again, tugging his face away from her.

 

“Dude- _Zo_ \- come on, I’ll crash the fucking car if you touch me again.”

 

“Ohh, no, no you won’t, then you’d hurt me, _and_ Evan, and fuck knows you aren’t gonna let that happen.”

 

There’s a moment of stillness before Evan chokes out a nervous laugh, and he looks down. “...I think we’ll be fine, Zoe, Connor’s- he’s good at driving. Nothing’s gonna happen.”

 

Zoe glances back at him again before she turns to look forward, smiling. “I know.”

 

The silence returns after that, and it isn't until Evan tries to distract himself with the trees passing by that he hears Zoe start talking again, and the entire conversation feels like it's buzzing around him.

 

“You have been doing a lot better.”

 

“Yeah. I know. Thanks?”

 

“It's just- I don't know. It's nice to see you smiling again, Connor.”

 

“...You're starting to sound like mom, you know.”

 

There’s a laugh that he’s almost positive is Zoe’s. “Oh my God, shut up, you're ruining it.”

 

The moment that they pull into the driveway of the Murphy household, Evan feels out of place. He’s been here before. Of course he has. He’d been here last week when Connor needed to grab a pair of pants, and the week before when he’d realized that he forgot stuff, and a few months before, with a cookie in his mouth, and Connor’s lips against his own, and-

 

He’s stirred from his thought by the sound of a car door slamming, and Connor’s voice ringing through the interior.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ, Zo, you’re gonna hurt her!”

 

“Oh, please, _Mable_ is going to be fine.”

 

When Evan looks up, it’s to see Zoe flipping Connor off through the passenger window. It’s almost playful, and there’s a way that Connor’s lips pull into a smile that reassures him that it’s anything but harsh.

 

Evan pulls his head from it’s resting place against the window, stretching out before he shifts to open the car door. Zoe’s at the trunk, carefully pulling her guitar from the car and hoisting it over her shoulder, looking over to Evan with a smile as he gets out of the car. He smiles back, offering a wave as Connor’s door closes, and he turns to him.

 

Connor just smiles again, leaning in to press a quick kiss to his cheek before he moves to join Zoe at her side, holding onto Evan’s hand carefully for just a moment as if it’s some form of reassurance.

 

Admittedly, it helps.

 

The walk from the car to the Murphys’ house felt strangely stiff, even with Zoe and Connor snickering amongst themselves. It’s more playful than Evan thinks he’s ever seen them- at least, as of late. They keep bumping into each other, laughing, and Evan thinks he might have heard some off-hand remark about Zoe’s guitar being too clunky. He can’t be sure. But regardless, when Zoe lands her hand against the doorknob, Evan watches as she looks over her shoulder to Connor, and her eyes flicker over him. His first reaction is to echo it. There’s something oddly distinct about the way that he’s even standing, or the way that his hair is falling over his shoulders, and Evan’s heart feels like it’s pounding.

 

“She doesn’t know you’re coming back, you know.”

 

The posture switches, and Evan watches Connor’s shoulders hunch up in a shrug before he pushes his fingers back through his hair. “You haven’t told her?”

 

“I mean, Christ, Connor, I don’t  know- I didn’t think you’d agree to tag along. I thought the most I’d get would be a ride home, that’s it. Excuse me for not messaging her, I guess.” She snorts, smiling a little before delivering a soft blow to his forearm. He smiles in response, and Evan’s almost lost in it because he feels Connor’s fingers curl around his wrist, cold and gentle, and his attention snaps up.

 

“Hey.”

 

“ _Hey_.”

 

Connor snorts, and he squeezes Evan’s wrist once before he pushes his fingers down and through Evan’s. “You’re positive you’re good, right?” As he speaks, the door clicks open, and Evan’s stomach twists.

 

“Why wouldn’t… Connor, I’m fine. Really.” He smiles at him as Zoe slips into the house, and he nudges him forward, squeezing his hand and leaning up enough to press a kiss against Connor’s jaw. “S’fine. We’re okay.”

 

There’s a solid moment of silence before Connor smiles back at him and nods, and Evan can’t help but note the red on his cheeks before Evan drops his hand entirely, and he nudges Connor forward. He grabs his backpack straps before he follows him in, offering him a smile.

 

When they step inside, the first thing that Evan makes note of is that the house smells like something’s baking. It’s not much different than usual- Evan’s decided that it feels like Cynthia’s constantly cooking, trying to busy herself with _something_ instead of being alone. The thought makes him clam up, but then he hears Cynthia’s voice calling from the kitchen.

 

“Zoe? Sweetheart, is that you? I’m making brownies if you want any- the first batch is done- was your day alright?” She sounds oddly distant, up until the point that her face comes from around the doorframe and into the living room. “You’re quiet, Zo, is everything-”

 

She cuts off when she sees Connor, and her gaze flickers to Evan before she looks back to her son. Everything feels still, but not uncomfortable, and the silence is not being threatened with anyone’s gaze, which feels fantastic. There’s a smile on Cynthia’s lips when she disappears back into the kitchen to remove her apron before she come into the living room and makes a beeline for Connor.

 

“Hey, mom.”

 

“Oh-” She cuts off, looking at him carefully and letting out a sort of breathy laugh before she pats at her eyes. “I didn’t- were you planning on coming home today? I have no-- are you just stopping by? What are-” She breathes in, smiling at him gently.

 

“I just, uh- was-” Connor looks to Zoe before he glances back to his mother. “I’m just stopping by. Visiting. I thought it’d be nice to-”

 

“...I told him to come over.”

 

Evan looks over to Zoe quickly, and it’s all too obvious when everyone else turns to look at her as well by the pause and the way she shifts in her spot on the couch.

 

“Oh.” Cynthia pauses, smile fading just a bit before it returns to her lips, glancing up towards her son. “That’s alright, I understand. I’m just- glad to see you.” She moves closer to him, hesitantly lifting a hand to his cheek and smiling softly before she drops it back to her side. “You don’t come around much anymore, you know? And we miss you- we do.”

 

“ _You_ might,” Connor mumbles. “But that doesn't mean that _everyone_ does.”

 

There's a long moment of pause before Cynthia extends a hand, motioning for Connor and Evan to follow her to sit down.

 

They do.

 

Connor takes the armchair, and Evan finds himself sitting down beside Zoe and crossing his legs, hands deftly finding their place against his ankles. It’s more comfortable with just the four of them, he finds, and the living room finally feels cozy.

 

Cynthia whisks herself away to grab the tray of brownies before she even thinks about sitting down in the other armchair, folding her hands and leaning forward, looking to Connor.

 

“Your father cares about you, too, Connor. He does,” Cynthia murmurs, watching him. “You just don’t give him the--”

 

“I don’t care,” Connor mumbles, reaching for a brownie and biting into it. “He doesn’t show it, and I don’t have to care about him. That’s not how it works. Respect’s kind of supposed to be fucking-- it’s supposed to be mutual, not--”

 

“Connor.”

 

Evan watches as Connor glances up from the brownie, and his expression softens before his gaze drops again. “Mom, I can’t do it. I can’t.

 

Cynthia nods, hesitant for a moment before she stands up at the sound of the oven beeping. “I should get those. Sorry- just a second, alright?” she murmurs, looking down before she ushers herself back into the kitchen, and they’re left again in silence, until Zoe clears her throat, speaking up in a quiet voice.

 

“...She’s trying, Connor.”

 

Connor groans. “No, I know. I know she is, I am too, just--”

 

“Dad’s not even _here_ right now, you don’t have to talk about him,” Zoe mumbles, leaning forward to grab a brownie before she tears it in half and hands one half off to Evan, who takes it with a quiet ‘thanks’.

 

It feels weird again- as if Evan being here is ruining some sort of flow- and it’s worrying him.

 

“Are you-- Are you sure it’s okay that I’m--”

 

Before he can even finish speaking, Zoe and Connor are jutting in, chiming ‘yes’ in unison- something that makes Evan nod and settle back into his seat again, biting into the brownie.

 

By the time that Cynthia returns to the living room, her apron is back on, and there are two oven mitts hanging out of the pocket. Zoe’s excused herself upstairs to do homework, leaving the seat beside Evan open. Connor, of course, seized this opportunity, scooting in close to Evan, enough to hold onto his hand between their legs. It worked.

 

Cynthia moves to sit in the armchair previously occupied by Connor, and she smiles at the two of them. “...Has school been going alright, you two?”

 

Connor nods, and Evan smiles. “Yeah,” Evan speaks up first, squeezing Connor’s hand. “It’s- exciting. That graduation is so close, I mean. It’s kind of stressful, a little, but- it’s exciting either way.”

 

“I bet.” Cynthia chuckles, letting out a soft sigh as the laughter dies down. “I remember senior year. You’re so excited to get out of there that every day feels like it’s crawling, right?” She smiles, head tilting at the two of them before she turns to the brownies, breaking a corner off of  one square and chewing it carefully.

 

Evan doesn’t know what to do but nod, and smile, still working at the half of a brownie that Zoe had handed him. Within a moment, though, Connor is wrenching his hand from Evan’s, and he looks up.

 

“I should- I gotta go to the bathroom. Just a second. Sorry.”

 

Connor pushes off of the arm chair and shuffles down the hall, and it isn’t until then that the attention is turned once again to-

 

“Evan?”

 

Evan’s gaze snaps up, and he manages a smile. “Oh- yeah? What’s, um- what’s up?” He shifts in his spot as Cynthia looks at him, and the tense feeling creeps once again up his spine, clawing at his head, screaming that something’s wrong, _something’s wrong_.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Oh.

 

“You’re really- he’s lucky to have you. He is . You’re so good for him- you’re good for _each other_ , Evan, you really are.”

 

Evan shifts, looking down as he picks at the hem of his pants. “I- don’t know.”

 

“You are,” Cynthia murmurs, smiling before she crosses over to Evan, lowering herself in front of the couch just a little, sort of sitting against the coffee table. “You’ve helped him so much, Evan. You’re wonderful for him.”

 

“He’s helped _me_ ,” Evan breathes out before he can think twice. “He’s- my best friend. I love him.”

 

“Aw, fuck, Ev, love you too.”

 

Evan pauses, looking up and over Cynthia’s head at Connor, standing in the living room with a smirk on his lips and his arms crossed against his chest.

 

Cynthia stands from the coffee table and turns to Connor with a faint smile. “That really was quick,” she muses, patting her hands off on her apron as they come to a rest against her knees. “I’m glad to see--”

 

“Can I have a hug?”

 

Cynthia pauses, lips pressed together before she blinks and smiles a little, sucking in a breath. “Hm?”

 

“A hug. I know it sounds fucking stupid, but--”

 

“Oh, _honey_ -” Cynthia pauses long enough to stand up, and Evan’s silent as he watches her rush over to Connor, immediately pulling him into an embrace. His fingers curl in against his knees, bunching up the material of his pants. He’s needed this, he thinks. “It’s never stupid to want a hug. I’m your _mother_.”

 

“...I know,” Evan hears Connor mumble before he watches his head duck down, hiding his face in Cynthia’s shoulder.

 

The last thing that Evan hears is a soft, “It’s alright. Everything’s okay, dear,” before he sees Connor’s arms come up around Cynthia, and he sinks back into the couch.

 

_He’s needed this._

 

\--

 

They stick around the Murphys’ until the sun starts to set, and Connor’s insisting they get back to Evan’s for their promised movie marathon. Evan can almost see the disappointment across Cynthia’s face, but she nods.

 

Before Evan can slip out after Connor, though, he’s pulled into a tight hug by Cynthia, and reminded that they can stop by whenever. He nods, returning the hug before he offers a wave and hops down the steps to Connor’s car.

 

There’s a moment of silence as he buckles in and rests his backpack at his feet, but as soon as the car starts up, he feels Connor’s hand against his own, and he smiles.

 

“...I think that went well,” he whispers, and Connor laughs, squeezing his hand gently.

 

“Yeah,” he mumbles, eyes on the road as he drives. “I think- a lot of things are going well right now. Which is- it sounds ridiculous, Ev, but I really think we could be alright this way for a damn while.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Crawls out of hell* Hello? Hello. It's me. I'm here. I'm alive. 
> 
> College is a rough time. But that's okay. I'm here. I'm still writing. And this chapter turned out way way longer than I ever could have anticipated. Sorry, kids.
> 
> Anyway! The Reinvention Discord Server is still a thing. It's very small and quiet and we have fun there. If you're interested in joining, you can shoot me a message on either my main tumblr @[tearezicryrope](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com), or at the [Reinvention askblog](https://ask-evan-reinvented.tumblr.com/), or you can just click [this link right here.](https://discord.gg/rDfSTN7)
> 
> Uhhhh. Yeah. Thanks for being patient with me!! I love y'all! Also thank you for 2k kudos! What the fuck!
> 
> P.S. Oh, also, um,,,, there's the chapter cap!!! Yeah. It's. Quickly approaching. But it's okay! That's okay.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan doesn’t know where time goes, and he’s not sure that he’ll ever understand the concept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/169826885672/reinvention-chapter-34) link!

Evan doesn’t know where time goes, and he’s not sure that he’ll ever understand the concept.

 

A day begins to feel like a second, but a month begins to feel like a day and a year all at the same time, and it puts Evan’s head in a million places at once. 

 

Before long, however, the snow on the ground melts and flowers take its place— buds of pink and yellow popping up over green grass— and Evan loves it. There’s definitely something about the sun, and the feeling of wind; despite the fact that Connor swears that he’s allergic to pollen in the Springtime.

 

It’s ridiculous and playful in all of the ways that Evan could hope for, and every time he slips into Connor’s car after school, there’s a feeling beneath it all that the rest of the year could pass by with a blink of an eye, and he’s almost certain that he’d be okay with it. Of course, that would mean less time to spend with Connor, and, well…

 

He’s not positive that that’s time he’d be willing to waste.

 

\-- 

 

By this point, it’s the second week of May, and graduation is closer than it’s ever been. It feels tangible, and real, and it almost makes Evan nauseous when he goes to his locker in the morning only to be greeted by Jared screaming a countdown of days until they don’t have to step foot back into the school.

 

Today, it had been the number ‘five’ getting shouted out as soon as Evan’s locker door closed, and he nearly dropped his biology book on his foot.

 

“Dammit— Jared, do you have to do that everyday?” Evan mumbles as he straightens himself out and closes his eyes momentarily to regain some level of composure. “I mean, I think— I think I get that it’s almost time to graduate, and I could really do with you  _ not  _ screaming every morning, because it really gets to me, and—”

 

“Oh, my God, Evan, calm down. This is fucking exciting, isn’t it?” There’s a jab of an elbow into Evan’s ribs, and his nose wrinkles up before he shrugs. Jared snorts in response, rolling his eyes. “I mean, five days and we’re out of this hellhole. Incredible, right?” He grins wide and toothy at Evan, who merely manages a shaky smile in response before he shifts with his books.

 

“Yeah, it’s really— yeah. But, still, the yelling isn’t the most ideal way to wake up in the morning, though. So if you could—”

 

“—so, yeah, anyway… Where the fuck is your boyfriend? He starting senior week early or something?” Jared breaks off with a laugh, grinning. “He knows that you have to, like,  _ be _ in class to get credit for the last week, doesn’t he?”

 

Before Evan can so much as open his mouth to formulate a response, Alana’s at Jared’s side with a smile stretched across her lips.

 

“Evan!” she chirps, a hand raising in a brief wave as she adjusts her backpack strap with the other. “How have you been doing? I saw Connor in our English room a minute ago— did you know that he finished up our project last night?” He did. “Or that he’s pulling through with an A? I’m so proud of him! I bet you are too, right?” He does. But Alana seems too excited, and Evan just smiles. “Things are just so busy this time of year, you know, and it’s just so amazing that—”

 

Jared laughs again, an arm flinging itself over Alana’s shoulders. “Give the kid a break, ‘lana, God knows he’s gotta breathe at some point.” He’s speaking through chuckles, and Evan resists the urge to roll his eyes.

 

“I’m older than both of you, actually?”

 

“By, like, two months, maybe.” Jared grins, and it doesn’t feel laced with any malintent. It’s a different sort of smile, and Evan finds it hard to suppress the laugh bubbling up his throat as he leans into his locker. 

 

“Still older,” Evan mumbles, eyes flitting around the hall. “And even if I wasn’t, I’m fine, really.”

 

“Are you sure?” It's Alana to chime in first, and Evan's almost relieved for just a second before she continues. “Because you seem nervous, like you're waiting for something? You aren't worried about Connor, are you?” 

 

“What? No— why would I— No, I'm not.”

 

“Oh, my god.” Jared snickers, leaning cooly into the face of the lockers as if he were in some cliche greaser film. Evan's nose wrinkles up before he turns his gaze to the ground to look away. “He's totally worried. Holy shit. Evan.” 

 

Evan huffs, shaking his head. “I'm not. Come on, don't you have class to—”

 

“Get off his back, Jared, will you? What are you trying for?” Sparing a glance up ends meets with Zoe Murphy grabbing onto one of Jared's ears and grinning— a sight that has Evan smiling to himself. Nice. “If he's worried, let him be worried, even if there's no real reason t’be.”

 

“Sorry, I just— I'm not really sure how to, um— is Connor gonna be here soon?” he snorts, laughing a little as he picks at a string on his shirt. “I gotta ask him a question before class.”

 

“Dude, don't you, like, have his number? God, Evan, I didn't think it was possible for you to get any more pitiful, man, but you've done it. Senior year ending has absolutely made you totally weak. Incredible. This is completely—” 

 

“Jared, listen to Zoe! Lay off. Please? Be nice, for once,” Alana chides, reaching down to tangle her fingers through Zoe's between their sides. Huh. 

 

“Okay. Okay,” Jared holds his hands up defensively, and the smirk that replaces his easy-going smile isn't that much different from one that would be found on the face of some cocky anime protagonist. “But, hey. You know that dumb cliche? ‘Talk about the devil and he'll fuckin’ show up’ or whatever?”

 

“Speak of the devil and he shall appear,” Alana corrects him, eyebrow raised. 

 

“Yeah. That. Well.” Jared points off into the hallway, stupid smirk still there. “Who woulda guessed it? Connor Murphy’s the damn devil in disguise.”

 

“Mmh, yeah, must be the gay.”

 

Zoe sputters, hand coming up to cover a snort as she laughs out. “Holy  _ shit.” _

 

Evan doesn't have to turn to know it's Connor. He knows it's Connor in the way that Alana brings up her free hand in a little wave, and the way that Zoe just makes a face before grinning him, but mostly in the way that he feels fingers against the inside of his wrist. And, of course, by the voice. 

 

“What are we, gossiping or something? In that case, I'd like to pass on the fact that Jared texted me at the asscrack of the night to ask me why Hamlet is ‘like that’.”

 

“Murphy, that's really shitty gossip.”

 

“And also that he thought  _ Catcher in the Rye  _ was about a baker.”

 

“Oh my fucking— Connor!” 

 

Evan laughs, looking on with a smile. The five of them really have gotten closer over the year; which, of course, only makes it all the more surreal when he puts thought into the fact that they won't all be in the same place at the same time anymore, and likely never again, and—

 

“Anyway,” Connor's voice breaks him from his thoughts, and he quickly glances up, not quite registering the fact that he's playing with the strings of his sweater. “Sorry I'm late. Talking about my grades took way longer than I wanted it to. Fucking sucks that so much rides on those.” He snorts, and Evan watches him shrug before he shoves his hands into his pockets.

 

“You know, Connor, you wouldn't have to worry about getting them up if you kept them up in the first place,” Zoe teases, but she's just as quickly nudged by Alana, who frowns at her.

 

“ _ Zoe _ , he's been putting a lot of effort in it!” 

 

Connor's response is a middle finger, but he's smiling, and he puffs out a breath. “Yeah, Zoe, fuck you, too.” He sticks his tongue out at him before he glances back to Evan, and he smiles again. “...But— yeah. Hey. What's up, Ev?” 

 

Evan smiles back, chuckling a little as Zoe and Alana sort of break off into their own conversation, and Jared turns to his phone. “Oh— I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out after school?” he asks, shifting the books in his arms.

 

“Don't we usually?” 

 

“No— I mean, yeah, but— I mean, like— like go somewhere, you know?”

 

“Like a date,” Jared chirps, not glancing up from his phone. “He's asking you on a date Murphy. Say yes before he starts hyperventilating.”

 

“No! No, actually, Jared, not like a date, because a date is more than that, it's more than just hanging out, and all I want to do is hang out, really, we'd just be hanging out. That's it.”

 

Connor blinks, laughing a little. “...Evan, you're  _ allowed _ to ask me on dates.”

 

“Okay, no, but see, it's— it's not a— we’d just go out somewhere, that's not—”

 

“That's a date,” Jared speaks up again, raising an eyebrow. “Like, dude, look, Google says a date is a ‘social or romantic appointment or engagement.’ Or, as a verb, it's to ‘go out with someone in whom one is romantically— or sexually— interested.’ Which, you are both.”

 

Evan breathes in, positive that his face is steadily burning. “Okay, Jared that's enough—”

 

“Or, hey, according to Urban Dictionary, it's an audition for—” 

 

Evan's entirely ready to cut him off again, but the class bell beats him to it. Jared cackles, neatly tucking his phone into the pocket of his shorts before he grins at them. 

 

“Well, fuck, looks like I gotta get to class.” He reaches up and grabs the straps of his backpack before he starts off, grinning. “Good luck on your date!” 

 

He's left standing alone with Connor before he can say anything else, Zoe and Alana having slipped away with a wave goodbye, and he breathes in, looking up to Connor.

 

“So—”

 

“ _ So _ . A date, huh?” 

 

Evan watches a grin stretch across Connor's lips, and he has the urge to kiss him and hit him at the same time.

 

“Shut up!” 

 

Connor laughs, and Evan ignores the fluttering in his chest in order to nudge into his side.

 

“I'd love to go out with you, Evan Hansen. You seen like a great guy.” Connor just keeps grinning, and Evan groans, shoving him gently.

 

“Oh my God, get to class.”

 

“But I don't even have your number yet,” Connor teases, chuckling. “How will I—” 

 

Evan's laughing now, smiling at him before he just pushes him again. “Shut  _ up _ , get to class. I'll talk to you at lunch. Love you.”

 

Before he starts off, Connor echoes the ‘love you’, and Evan's not sure how much he's expecting the peck to his forehead, but as he walks to his first class, he knows he isn't complaining 

 

\--

 

From: Jared

_ “dude lmao wtf come on” _

 

From: Jared

_ “i literally watched you guys walk right out of the building after the bell” _

 

From: Jared

“ _ are you ignoring me on purpose because evan thats kinda shitty ngl” _

 

From: Jared

_ “dude if this is because of the date thing” _

 

From: Jared

“ _ youre literally going out with him i was just teasing” _

 

From: Jared

“ _ evan”  _

 

Evan lets his head fall back against the headrest of the passenger seat before he groans, foot swaying to kick against his backpack at his feet. 

 

“Who is it?” Connor asks, not breaking his gaze from the road. “Zoe? Tell her I’m driving, I can’t—”

 

“No, no, it’s Jared,” Evan murmurs, chewing at his lip before he goes to craft a response.

 

To: Jared

“ _ I’m not ignoring you, but you’re kind of preaching to the choir. And it’s not a date. Not really. But if it were (which it isn’t) it would be kind of wrong to be on my phone right? I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” _

 

He doesn’t get a response after that, and he sighs, tucking his phone into his pocket before he reaches over to take Connor’s hand. Connor finally glances over, if only for a moment, before he smiles. Evan smiles back, of course, before moving his free hand to adjust the McDonald's bag on his thigh. They'd left school ten minutes prior, and of course, McDonald's felt like the best choice of hang-out food to snag before Connor started for the orchard. One trip through a drive-thru later, there they were, twisting down the winding road in Connor's car, soft music coming through the speakers as Evan made an attempt to resist the temptation of sneaking a fry or two while Connor wasn't looking. 

 

Of course, he didn't, and after a solid ten minutes of zoning out and staring out the window, Evan feels the car come to a gradual halt. Blinking, he turns to Connor, only to find him smiling right back at him. 

 

“Alright,” Evan chirps, and Connor snorts, leaning in to quickly peck his cheek.

 

“Alright,” Connor echoes back, killing the engine and reaching for the McDonald's bag. “Ready for our date?” 

 

Evan pauses for a minute before he rolls his eyes. “Shut up, not a date. Just hanging out. If it were— Connor, if this were a date, I'd take you somewhere else, probably.” 

 

Connor snorts in response, shaking his head as he pulls his keys from the ignition and steps out of the car. “Sure thing, Ev,” he muses, and just as Evan opens the passenger side, he hears the car lock. 

 

From there, it's not long before they start walking, and Evan's head is absolutely swimming. 

 

They  _ graduate _ in a week, and it still feels like too much. The air feels thick around him, and he can barely feel the grass at his ankles as Connor leads him up through the fields and past trees. It’s hard to focus on any one thing at once when your thoughts are going a mile a minute and you think that you might actually pass out in the middle of an abandoned apple orchard. He feels Connor squeeze his wrist again, and his attention snaps up to him, eyes wide for a moment.

 

He watches Connor’s mouth move before he registers that he’s saying “whoah there,” and Evan forces a laugh.

 

“Sorry,” he whispers, moving to take Connor’s free hand again. Connor lets out a puff of breath, and Evan’s gaze falls again to the grass as they walk. 

 

“You don’t need to be sorry, Ev. It’s all good.” Connor smiles squeezing his hand gently, and Evan doesn’t have to look up to realize that he’s being looked at. “Are you doing alright today? You keep zoning out.”

 

“No, yeah, no— Of course I’m good. Of course I am. I’m just— there’s a lot— we—” Evan pauses to breathe in, and he feels Connor stop in his tracks. He’s sitting down. Oh, they’re stopping. There’s a tree there. Evan blinks, snorting before he sits down beside Connor and leans into his side as opposed to the tree. “We’re graduating in a week. That’s all. And it’s a lot.”

 

Connor laughs, reaching into the McDonald’s bag, and out comes two large fries and a six-piece nugget. The box of nuggets is handed off to Evan along with a little cup of ranch. He smiles a little, thanking Connor under his breath before he peels the top back.  

 

“Yeah, we are,” Connor muses, head tilting before he pops a fry in his mouth. “It’s kind of fucking crazy. Isn’t it? I mean, we’ve been stuck in school for years, and now we’re kind of being dropped into the real world, and it’s like we’ve got no preparation.” He picks up a few more fries, waving them in Evan’s direction before he eats them. Evan nods, puffing out a breath before taking a bite out of a nugget.

 

“I know,” is all he can think to say, and he frowns, stuffing the rest of the nugget into his mouth. It’s not particularly a topic that he’s aiming to talk about right now, but by this point it feels relatively inevitable.  _ Dammit _ . 

 

“I mean, Christ, they don’t even let us explore anything. They just throw us out there and expect us to know what’s what. And when we don’t, it’s us at fault, and it’s fucking ridiculous.”

 

“Connor…” 

 

“It’s just— it’s not right, Evan. We’re in school for twelve years and you’d figure that you’d know what you’re doing, but you don’t, you don’t, and you don’t know what you’re  _ doing _ . At all. But it happens, and—”

 

“Connor! Please, please calm down, I don’t—” Evan breathes in sharply, staring down at his nuggets. “I know it sucks, but that’s what’s bothering me, and it’s just— really getting to me, I think, because we’re so close, you know, and I didn’t even think… I never thought that… Sometimes I was pretty sure that I didn’t even want to get this far, but I did! And— we did. Together? But…” 

 

He doesn’t know what he’s saying. It just feels like he’s rambling (and maybe he is, he thinks), but he can’t help it. He just feels dizzy, and before he can say anything more, he dips another nugget and shoves it in his mouth. This is supposed to be a nice day. Breathing in, he turns his attention up to the sky, watching clouds move through clear blue. It’s okay. He closes his eyes, leaning back against the tree a little. After swallowing, he puffs out a breath, wiping his mouth.

 

“...I don’t know. It just sucks. Thinking about it all. But I know I have to.”

 

Evan glances over to Connor, who’s just staring back, and he pauses, gaze falling quickly. When Connor speaks up, it’s around a mouthful of french fries. 

 

“You don’t  _ hafta _ ,” Connor mumbles softly, covering his mouth as he swallows. “I guess thinking about it helps, but you don’t technically have to. Like, I just know that I don’t— I  _ really _ don’t want to go do more school. That’s it. That’s all I know. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing outside of that, you know?”

 

“...I’m going to take a gap year,” Evan murmurs after a moment. “I always thought I’d go right into college, especially with Mom pushing the— pushing the essays and the-- and working so much to put me  _ through _ it, you know? But I can’t do that right now, I just can’t. I need to do things for myself, Connor, and—”

 

“...So you take a gap year, and you go to school after. It’s not the end of the world, Evan. It’s not. You at least sort of know what you’re doing. You have a vague plan.” He feels an arm loop around his waist, and he breathes in, looking over to him in time to feel fingers against his cheek. Evan blinks, face flushing. 

 

“No, I— Yeah, I know, but—”

 

“...You’ve accomplished a whole lot, you know. And I’m proud. God knows your mom’s proud, too. No matter what, you’re still here, and that’s something that’s worth a fucking medal alone. So what if you don’t jump right into college? You’re still doing something. You still know what you’re doing.” 

 

Connor stops only to lean in and press a kiss to his lips, and Evan feels his face heat up as he kisses him back, moving a hand to fumble for Connor’s. Once he can grab it, he gives it a squeeze, and Connor’s lips twitch into a smile against his own. At that point, he pulls back, and all he receives is one of Connor’s stupid half-grins that he loves so much. It makes his heart race, but he just blows a raspberry.

 

“...You’re being a hypocrite,” Evan mumbles softly, squeezing his hand again. “You know what you’re doing, too, don’t you?”

 

“I know what I’m  _ not _ doing. It’s different,” he whispers, rolling his eyes. “Like how you know that you  _ aren’t _ on a date with me.” Connor laughs, and Evan nudges him.

 

“Shh. Yeah. Like that. But it’s— it also means that you have something narrowed down. So it’s— You’re working on it.”

 

Connor groans, rolling his eyes before he laughs again and presses a kiss to his cheek. “Thanks, Ev. I just— I can’t stay at home forever, you know? I just— God, I can’t fucking do that. I need something to do, somewhere to go,  _ something _ . And I know I always stop in at your house and stuff, but it’s just not… My house is still, like, my house, and…” 

 

“...You could come with me?”

 

The words seem to hang in the air for longer than Evan’s comfortable with, and he mashes his lips together. “I mean— if you want to. You don’t have to. I’m not— going far, and I mean, I probably won’t go anywhere for a little while, but I’ve been…” he trails off, eyebrows furrowing. “I’ve been thinking about getting an apartment? And I thought that… maybe it might be cool to do that with you?” He pauses, fingers tightening around Connor’s a little. “I know that maybe it’d be a... “ He looks down, playing with the hem of his shirt. “It might be nice. That’s all. If you would want to. That’s all. That’s it.”

 

Connor’s still quiet, and Evan’s stomach turns. It’s uncomfortable in the worst way, and he shifts, making a face. “...Not that you have to. We don’t have to. It’s just an idea? And I—”

 

Evan’s broken off when he hears Connor laugh, and he flushes, lips pursing. “Connor! Come on, it’s not—”

 

“No— no, holy shit—  _ Ev _ . Evan, if you seriously think that I wouldn’t want to do that, you’re totally ridiculous.” He watches as Connor beams at him, and he practically feels his heart stop.  _ Oh _ . 

 

“You’re my boyfriend. And my best friend.”

 

“...I’m gonna tell Zoe you said that.”

 

“Oh—” Connor snorts. “Shut up, Evan. Come on. I’m serious. I’d love to get an apartment with you. It would be nice. It would be really nice. I mean it.” He hasn’t stopped grinning, and Evan’s heart is racing. The sounds of insects has already been replaced by the sound of his heart pounding, and he blinks.

 

“Seriously?”

 

Connor rolls his eyes. “...Seriously,” he mumbles. “You’re the one thing that I can’t feel wrong about, Ev.”

 

He isn’t expecting that one. Evan feels his face heat up, and his immediate reaction is to grab Connor’s face and lean in fast to kiss him. He’s sure that he nearly headbutts him, but he doesn’t, and as soon as he pulls back, he’s only greeted with wide eyes and a toothy grin. Dammit. Damn him. Evan breathes in sharply and reaches for the fries, promptly shoving them into Connor’s mouth. Connor, who just laughs, hand coming up to cover his mouth as he chews the fries.

 

“...Was that wrong to say?” Connor asks, seemingly unable to stop grinning. “I meant it, Ev. Seriously.” 

 

Evan can barely hear him over the sound of his heartbeat, because holy  _ shit _ . “ _ No _ ,” he sputters. “I know. I do. That you meant it. I know that. I just didn’t think you would say that? But you did, and I kissed you. Sorry. For that part. Uh—”

 

“ _ Dude _ .” Connor snorts, moving a hand to ruffle through Evan’s hair. “You don’t have to apologize for kissing me. I like kissing you. I like you.” He pauses to press a kiss to Evan’s cheek, and Evan groans before he dunks another nugget and pops it into his mouth. 

 

“You’re undeniably the worst,” Evan decides after swallowing, looking up to him with furrowed eyebrows. The poker-face lasts for all of three seconds before he breaks and laughs, leaning into Connor’s side once again. “The absolute worst. And I love you. I love you, I love you.” Evan snorts, holding a nugget out to him. 

 

Connor swaps the nugget for a few fries, and Evan goes to eat them with a smile. It feels like there’s a weight off of his shoulders all of a sudden, and he relaxes, breathing in. 

 

“Mmh, thanks. I love you, too, Evan Hansen,” Connor muses, going to finish off the first container of fries. “But don’t you dare sleep on me, Evan, you can’t fall asleep right now.” 

 

Evan closes his eyes after eating another nugget, shrugging. “I wasn’t going to,” he murmurs softly. “Tempting, though, thanks. I, uh— I’m glad that you’re here, you know. I really am.” 

 

“Whoah. That’s a thing to say.” Connor shifts, locking his arm around Evan’s shoulders before he kisses his forehead. “I’m glad you’re here, too, Evan. You know that, don’t you?” 

 

He does. He knows he does, but hearing it doesn’t hurt. Evan breathes in and nods, pressing a quick kiss to his jaw. “I know it,” he murmurs against his skin before he pulls back, looking out over rolling hills and tops of trees. “I love you. And I’m just— Glad you’re alive. Glad we’re graduating, and that we have a  _ future _ , you know?”

 

Connor’s quiet for a long moment, but it doesn’t put him on edge. He hears him hum, and Evan looks up to him with a smile. “You’re getting sappy on me. Where’s that come from?” leans back into him.

 

“I know it's dumb. And kinda cheesy. But I just—” 

 

“...Yeah, it's dumb and wicked fucking cheesy, but I love you, too, and I'm happy. Really, I am.” Connor moves to ruffle Evan’s hair, and Evan can’t help himself when he laughs, humming softly. “I can’t imagine having a not-date with anyone else under the sun, Ev.” Connor snorts, and Evan feels like the sun is suddenly in his chest. 

 

It’s warm. Connor makes him feel warm, and it’s nice. It’s nice to have someone there to make him feel so great, and it’s even nicer to know that the feeling’s mutual. Evan can’t help but grin, pressing a kiss to Connor’s cheek before picking up the last nugget and popping it into his mouth. He’s quiet for a moment before he speaks again, shaking his head.

 

“This is ridiculous.”

 

“Yeah?” Connor asks, bringing his hand up to push his fingers through his hair before he ties it back into a bun. “What’s ridiculous about it?”

 

“This is a date, I think,” Evan muses, looking up to the sky again. “And I think I like going on dates with you. I like hanging out with you. I like all this sappy shit, because it’s you, and I love you. I love you so much.” 

 

“...I love you, too, Evan,” Connor whispers, standing up and putting their trash into the empty McDonald’s bag. “And fuck knows I don’t wanna cut this short, but my mom’s making dinner for us tonight. Zoe kept reminding me. That’s all good, yeah?”

 

Evan nods, grabbing onto Connor’s free hand and pulling himself up. “‘Course,” he murmurs, stretching out before he goes to press another kiss to Connor’s lips. Connor hums, leading him back to the car.

 

“It’ll be nice. Your dad gonna be around?” 

 

“Yeah. Mom wants to watch a movie with everyone. You’re still game for staying the night, right?”

 

Evan snorts, bumping into him before he gets into the car. “Yeah, of course.” He smiles, leaning over to kiss him again. “Let’s go, okay?” he chirps, watching Connor start the car up. Music comes on and Connor offers a smile. 

 

“Let’s go,” Connor echoes, kissing Evan’s cheek before he pulls out of the lot, starting back down the road.

 

Maybe they don’t entirely know what they’re doing, but Evan’s not worried. They’ll figure things out, and even if they don’t end up doing some groundbreaking thing, he’ll have Connor, and he’ll be there for him.

 

And for now, that’s all he could ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo, boy. Okay. Here it is! Here it is. The (technically) last chapter of Reinvention. Okay. I'm. So incredibly nervous about this chapter but it's here it's here. I did it I did that I wrote it and it's here now. 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who's here, and everyone who's stuck around, and everyone who's coming in and binging the hell out of this trainwreck of a story. I never ever thought that this fic would even begin to get close to where it is now, and I'm so glad that everyone likes it and has liked it enough to keep reading to this point. It's nervewracking to suddenly deal with attention but it's been a really fun ride.
> 
> As usual, you can shoot me a message on either my main tumblr @[tearezicryrope](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com), or at the [Reinvention askblog](https://ask-evan-reinvented.tumblr.com/) (even though that askblog has not been touched in ages and I'm so sorry.) And also, the Reinvention Discord is still around, but it's also very extremely dead and I am so sorry but if you would like to chat me up I'm super here for it!!
> 
> It's 2018 now! And even though I've been going through hell and back in my head, the one thing that I can promise you is that I'm going to finish this damn fic. Sure, this is the 'end', but that doesn't mean that I can't give you an epilogue. An epilogue that I've been itching to write since April when I posted this. I'm flexing so hard. Here we go, kids. It's not all over, yet. 
> 
> But really. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for sticking around. I love y'all.
> 
> TL;DR: I'm gay and this has been a wild ride. Sorry for this note being so long? The fuck. It ain't even the end yet.


	35. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been two years since graduation day, and Evan Hansen's been doing pretty good. If there’s one thing that he was told, it was never that things can change and work themselves out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/170872798212/reinvention-chapter-35-the-epilogue) link!

If there’s one thing that Evan was told, it was never that things can change and work themselves out.

 

The one thing that he wouldn’t need to be told was that it wouldn’t be entirely easy.

 

After graduation, it hadn’t taken much to convince Connor to get an apartment with him, and even after that, once it was brought up to Cynthia, she seemed all too ready to help them out. He can remember her chirping that, _‘Oh, Connor, that’s a fantastic idea,_ ’ while Larry fixed his newspaper and grumbled something behind the sports section. Sure, it had been years since, but he's sure that he'll never be able to forget the shine in Cynthia's eyes at the sheer prospect of her son doing something so big.

 

Of course, his own mother was no exception. She'd given him and Connor a hug after reassuring them that they'd always have a place with her. It was a comforting notion, sure, but Evan couldn't imagine staying with his mother forever if he wanted to actually do things for himself.

 

And so he didn't.

 

Shortly after graduation, Evan had picked up a part-time job at Pottery Barn, and Connor wound up talking to his mom, who pulled some strings and landed Connor a job at a daycare center in town.

 

All in all, though, things felt easier said than done.

 

The jobs were juggled between days at home, days with each other, and days apartment-hunting. Which was a pain. In all honesty, it wasn't the worst, but Evan could certainly figure out things that he'd rather be doing with himself.

 

However, it hadn't taken that long before they settled in on a relatively cheap apartment not too far from home, and with the help of Pottery Barn’s cash and more support from the Murphys than Evan would have liked to admit to, they found themselves with their own home. Well, apartment.

 

Admittedly, it was still a concept that Evan had a hard time wrapping his head around. But there they were.

 

It had taken time to turn it into their own space, sure, but it was something to be worked on. And neither of them were strangers to working on things.

 

After a year, Evan had finally picked up on community college, and it wasn't until then that things had finally felt like they were falling into place.

 

It’s been two years since he graduated, and life had certainly been happening.

 

\--

 

No matter how much Evan tries to convince himself, waking up next to someone else every morning in a bed that isn't twin-size is still an experience to relish. It's officially gotten to a point where it's weird if he doesn't feel Connor's arm flung over his side, or Connor's face in his hair, or some equally tangled mess upon waking up to his alarm. Or the sun. Whatever came first.

 

Today, there was definitely an arm around him, and hair in his mouth. No alarm, but there was sun, and—

 

“Get _up_!”

 

Oh, shit.

 

Something— or rather, someone— throws themself into Evan's side, and when he opens his eyes, there's a flash of blonde hair.

 

“Effa, up! Up, up, up, it's already _sun up,_ and you promised pancakes today.”

 

“Mmh. Five minutes,” Evan mumbles, smiling a little before he turns in towards Connor more, fingers sort of curling in absentmindedly against his shirt. “Just five minutes.”

 

“I've already waited, like, a whole hundred! Maybe even more!”

 

Evan snorts, pulling away from Connor in order to sit up, pushing his hair back as he stretches out. _Damn_. His eyes flicker to the clock at the bedside table, proudly displaying ‘8:37 AM’ in obnoxious neon green lights before he looks back to this morning’s alarm clock.

 

“Alright. You got me, Miss Chloe. Sleep well?” he asks softly, reaching to ruffle her hair. He could have sworn that Connor put her hair in braids before bed, but hey.

 

The only response he gets from the four year old is a hum before she flings herself across him in order to pat at Connor's back. “Yis! And Connie needs t’get up now, too!” Chloe calls out, drumming rhythmically against Connor's back as he sleeps.

 

Evan snorts. “...He'll get up, Chlo. Come on, you wanna help with pancakes? Let Connie sleep in a little bit, and we can surprise him. That sounds fun, right?”

 

He watches her pull away before she nods slowly, huffing as she loops her arms around Evan's neck and clings onto him. “...Okay. Fine,” she chirps softly, voice lowered to a poorly executed whisper as she giggles. “Le’s go? Now?”

 

Evan hums softly and watches as she scoots off the bed and scurries off in the direction of the kitchenette as he turns to go to the bathroom. He realizes that she's wearing the purple star pajamas that his mom picked up from Walmart as a last-minute present on the day that she met her the day after Evan had told her that they were fostering, and it has him smiling to himself as he washes off his hands.

 

When he's shuffling down the hall after a moment, he finds Chloe standing in the middle of the linoleum floor, holding a box of pancake mix and squinting at the back. He snickers and goes to lift it from her hands before setting it on the counter. “Alright, Princess Chloe, what in the world are we lookin’ for today?” he hums, smiling. “Think you can remember the ingredients?”

 

“Egg.”

 

“Just one?”

 

“Yis.”

 

Evan laughs, looking at the box. “And?”

 

Chloe pauses, lips pursing before she goes over to pat at his leg. “Milk, Effa! You're wastin’ pancake time!” she chirps, slipping over to the fridge and pulling the quarter gallon of milk from the fridge, holding it up to him with some admirable amount of effort. He snickers, taking it after pulling down a bowl and measuring everything out.

 

“Okay, okay. Sorry for wasting pancake time, Chlo, let's get on it, okay? Get your step-stool, if you wanna watch.”

 

There's a nod in response, and a dull squeak as Chloe drags her step-stool across the linoleum before she stands at Evan's side, and he starts on breakfast.

 

\--

 

They've made it through most of the batter when the floor creaks behind him, and Evan feels a hand ruffling his hair at the same time that he hears Chloe shriek, and he watches her lunge off of her step-stool to throw herself at the legs behind him.

 

“Morning, Connor,” Evan muses without turning around, and he smiles when there's a lazy kiss being pressed to his temple. “Sleep well?”

 

“Mmh,” is the response that he gets, and he turns to look at him as he flips another pancake onto the stack he's been forming. They're mini-cakes, as per request, and every few have a blueberry or chocolate chip dropped strategically into the center by Chloe herself. Connor looks tired, of course, but he's lifted Chloe up already, and he's snorting as she plays with the messy bun in his hair.

 

“Connie, y’need t’brush your _hair_ in the mornin’! I'll do it for you,” she declares, practically bouncing in his arms. Connor just laughs, ruffling her hair in response before leaning to set her down again.

 

“I'll worry about it later, Squirt. Why don'tcha go feed the kitty? Have you seen him this morning?”

 

Chloe gasps as she's placed back on her feet, and she draws in a sharp breath before she cups her hands around her mouth and calls out for the cat.

 

“Weeeeed! S’breakfas’ time!”

 

Well. Kind of.

 

Evan's eyes narrow at Connor, who's covering a laugh with his hand.

 

“Holy shit,” he gasps out. “It was an accident, Ev, I've said it like twice in front of her. She just picks up fast, it's not my fuckin’ fault,” he whispers, watching over the half-wall into the living room at Chloe as she dumps a cup full of cat food into a metal bowl in front of a grey tabby.

 

“He doesn't even answer to Ash anymore. He doesn't. You made our cat's name Weed.”

 

“It suits him, Ev,” Connor muses, shrugging before he goes to pour a few glasses of milk and set them at the table. “...She's been doin’ good, though, yeah? Which is— it's good. I'm glad.”

 

Evan pauses, flipping the last of the pancakes onto the stack. “She's been doing good,” he agrees softly, smiling before leaning in to kiss Connor's jaw. “...I think we all are.”

 

He watches as a smile stretches itself across Connor's lips, followed by a soft laugh, and within a second’s time, he realizes that he's being kissed. It's his turn to echo the laugh back at him against Connor's lips, and it's only broken off when Evan feels a hand at his pant leg.

 

When he looks down, he's met with big brown eyes and a speck of green, and Chloe sticks her tongue out, smile on her lips. “What’re y’whispering about?”

 

“How good breakfast is gonna be,” Connor lies, smiling over at Evan, who just laughs before he nudges into his side. “Why don't you go go wash your hands with Effa while I get everything ready?”

 

“‘Course!” Chloe locks her arms around Evan's legs, and she beams. “Effa, c’mon, we gotta wash our hands before we eat! We gotta.” She tugs at his pant leg, and he laughs, kissing her head before he lifts her up, balancing her at his side.

 

“Right,” Evan murmurs, smiling at her. “Wanna use your step-stool, or do you want me to hold you?”

 

Chloe tosses her head back against Evan's shoulder, groaning as she seemingly goes between her options. “...Hold,” she decides as they step into the bathroom. Evan snickers and nods, lifting her up to the sink.

 

“Alright, soap first,” he murmurs, reaching for the soap carefully and humming as he passes it off. “You know how to do it.”

 

“Right,” Chloe chirps, humming _Happy Birthday_ to herself as she scrubs her hands. Once she's done, she puts the soap down and turns the sink off, throwing her hands in the air. “Done! Done, done, done, s’pancake time now, Effa, let's go!”

 

Evan laughs, drying off her hands before he ruffles her hair, carrying her back out to the kitchen.

 

“Effa! I want a chocolate chip one.”

 

“Alright, Chlo, you got it.”

 

“You gotta eat a blue one!”

 

“I will, I will!” Evan laughs, placing her down in one of the chairs before he goes to wash his own hands. Connor's already set out plates and glasses of milk (chocolate for Chloe), and the syrup.

 

Which Chloe already has in both hands.

 

Connor laughs, leaning over to take it from her. “Cakes first, Squirt, syrup after. And I'll pour it for you.”

 

Chloe huffs before she hands it over, reaching for at chocolate chip pancake. “Okay,” she murmurs. “‘m ready, Connie! Go!” She beams, patting at his hand before he goes to pour the syrup over the pancake. Evan smiles, grabbing a few blueberry pancakes for himself.

 

Once breakfast is in full swing, the only sound aside from forks against plates is Chloe humming to herself as she eats. Evan's gaze flickers between her and Connor as he makes his way through pancakes. When he's pulling a fifth little one onto his plate, Connor places his own fork down.

 

“So,” he muses, looking up to Chloe after taking a sip from his glass of milk. “Auntie Zoe wants to know if you wanna go to Build-a-Bear with her on Tuesday after daycare. Is that something you'd wanna do?” There's a smile across Connor's lips, and it's hard to ignore, especially as Chloe takes in a sharp gasp.

 

When Evan turns his head, she's scrambling to her feet with a fistful of syrup-soaked pancake. The syrup is really all over her, too, but that's fine. She just tosses her fist triumphantly in the air. “Yis!” she announces, collapsing back into her chair. “Yis, yis yis yis!” She's cut off as she shoves another piece of pancake in her mouth. (It's only her second one, Evan notes. She's just been on it for a while.)

 

“Okay, okay!” Connor laughs, going to lean across the table to wipe her face before settling back down. “I'll let her know. Use your fork, Chloe. You know better.”

 

“Use m’fooork,” Chloe sings back, going to wipe her hands on her napkin before grabbing her fork and continuing to eat.

 

“Alana will probably tag along, won’t she?” Evan asks, taking a long sip from his glass of milk. “They’ve been doing a lot together lately. Zoe keeps posting pictures of them together on Instagram? It’s kind of sweet.” He laughs, looking to Connor before taking another bite of his pancakes. “It’s nice to see her around, too.”

 

“I like hanging out with ‘Lana,” Chloe chirps, kicking her feet a little underneath the table. “And Aun’nie Zoe. They’re fun. And pretty.” She smiles up at them, and pushes her plate away after taking another bite. “All done. Movie time? Pleeeease?”

 

“Got it,” Evan muses, going to pat at Connor’s arm before he stands up, taking Chloe’s dish to the sink along with his own. Hearing Zoe referred to as her aunt feels right in a thousand ways, and he can’t brush it off. “What movie do you wanna watch this time, Miss Chloe? You’ve got a whole library’s worth of choices, so we could watch anything you want—”

 

“ _Tangled_!” Chloe chirps, getting up and going to wash her hands at the sink beside Evan, just before scurrying off to lay down on the couch beside the cat.

 

“Oh, man,” Connor laughs, shaking his head. “Again, Chlo? We’ve watched it a whole lot here. That’s not even counting how many times you’ve tried to drag it out at daycare.”

 

“It’s not a bad movie.” Evan dries his hands off before he laughs, going to pack away the few extra pancakes. “I don’t mind watching it again.”

 

“Y’gotta sing.” Evan looks into the living room, eyebrow quirked as Chloe looks right back at him. “You have to sing along, Effa!! Y’gotta!” Her lower lip juts out in a pout, leaning forward to pat her hands against the couch. “Y’gotta.”

 

“You gotta, Evan,” Connor teases, going to grab his hand and press a kiss to his lips before leading him to the couch. “Someone’s gotta be Rapunzel, right?”

 

By the time they’re on the couch, Chloe’s weaseled herself between them, and she blows a raspberry. “No! Connie, _you’re_ A’pun’sull, Effa’s Finn, and I’m _everyone_ else.”

 

Connor looks at her for a moment before he laughs, going to grab the remote to flip through the movies until he finds _Tangled_. “What happened to Jared saying that you’re ‘Punzie’? You got a kick out of that last time, didn’t you?”

 

“That was last time! This is this time, an’ the movie’s gonna start now, so you gotta hush,” Chloe exclaims, reaching a hand up to cup it over Connor’s mouth.

 

He just laughs in response, finger mashing against the play button before he places the remote down and ruffles Chloe’s hair. “Got it, Squirt.”

 

\--

 

The rest of the day comes and goes without complications, and before there can be much debate, the sun is setting. Dinner dishes are cleared— they'd had dino nuggets and mac and cheese, as per request— and after Evan presses a kiss to Chloe's cheek, she's whisked off with Connor to get ready for bed.

 

Evan finds himself standing in the living room for a bit longer than anticipated, eyes focused intently on a picture of himself and Connor on graduation day, all smiles. So much has happened since then, and it's almost baffling to him. The fact that they made it past school was once something that they couldn't even begin to imagine, but they were _here_ , and…

 

He takes in a little breath as Weed brushes up against his leg and meows. Laughing to himself, he leans down after wiping mist from his eyes, carefully bringing a hand along the length of the cat's back. “Bedtime,” he murmurs softly, coming back up and stretching out. Weed meows again, purring as he makes the leap onto the couch, and Evan laughs, flicking off the lights and making his way at last to their bedroom.

 

On the way in, he hears Chloe squealing in the bathroom, and he can only assume that Connor's putting her hair in braids, or promising her a bedtime story, or _something,_ something, something. Evan smiles, going to change into clean pajamas before he goes to lay down, shifting underneath the blankets and sighing.

 

With the lights off like this, it's easy to just stop and think.

 

Think about the fact that things are so much different now, but they're better in a weird way. Sure, there are no glow stars on the ceiling, but there's a ceiling fan spinning away, carefully engraving the rhythmic sound of the spinning blades into Evan's mind alongside memories of prom, and the look on Connor's face after their first kiss, and the sound of cheering as he took his diploma and walked, and— and—

 

The lights suddenly flicker on, and Evan reflexively closes his eyes as the dark is flushed out and light fills his vision. It takes a second before he turns his head to the doorway, opening his eyes in time to see Connor placing his old copy of _The Little Prince_ down on the top of his dresser.

 

“Sorry,” Connor murmurs, going to change into his own pajamas. “I didn't wake you up, did I?”

 

“No,” Evan echoes back softly, watching him for a moment’s time before his gaze falls to to the blankets. “I was awake. Just thinking. Is she out?”

 

“Like a light.” Connor snorts, smiling at him before he goes to turn the lights back off. “We made it to the rose,” he murmurs, and Evan squints through the dark to see him shuffling over to the bed. Pulling the blankets back, he hears Connor mumble a thanks as he gets in beside him. He hums in response.

 

“Mmh, got it. And that's chapter..?”

 

“Eight. Out of twenty seven. We're getting there.” Evan can almost hear Connor smile as he shifts over closer, fitting an arm around him carefully. “She tugs on my sleeve when she's falling asleep to get me to stop reading so she doesn't miss things. She does that shit at the daycare, too.”

 

Evan hums softly, closing his eyes as he presses back against Connor, going to reach for his hand. “She's cute,” he mumbles, squeezing Connor's fingers. “She makes the apartment feel homier, too. D’you get that?”

 

There's not a moment of hesitation on Connor's part as he hums, shaking his head. “...Yeah, I do. I love her so much, Ev. You might have competition.” Evan rolls his eyes, nudging him before he lets go of his hand and turns to face him completely. Both hands come up to cup Connor's cheeks, and he leans up to kiss him once before he lays down again, making himself comfortable. Connor just snorts.

 

“Don't be a dick. We're having a moment, you can't ruin it,” Evan chides, going to loop an arm over Connor's side as he shifts closer.

 

“Oh, come on. I'm not! I'm just telling the truth, and the truth is that our— that Chloe is adorable, and I love her.” Silence envelopes them, and Evan's fingers twitch against Connor's side. “But, hey. You said you were thinking earlier? What's going on in Hansen Headquarters tonight?”

 

“Oh.” Evan laughs, shaking his head. “No, nothing. Nothing really big or anything. Just— just us. The past. Cheesy shit like that, you know? God, it feels even dumber to say out loud.” Evan snorts, looking up to Connor before he scoots closer, watching him. “Just— basically just that we did it and whatever. It’s dumb.”

 

Connor blinks at him before he just laughs, shrugging. “Doesn’t sound stupid,” Connor decides, shrugging as he pulls Evan closer. “I think about it too, sometimes.” Connor snorts, shaking his head. “It’s kind of hard not to think about it, right? I mean, shit, Evan, we’re kind of, like— sort of a family.”

 

Huh. Yeah. Evan purses his lips and nods, shrugging. “Yeah. Guesso.”

 

“And that’s cool. It’s cool, and I’m glad.” He laughs, and Evan watches him stretch out before he loops his arms around him in response. “I love you, Evan. I do. You know I do,” he mumbles softly, moving closer to him again. His arms are tight around him, and it’s sweet in the best way. “I love you, and I want to stay here. With you. And— Yeah. See, look. Now _I’m_ sounding like an idiot.”

 

“...No, you don’t. Keep talking?” Evan moves closer, hand moving from Connor’s side in order to gently push his hair out of his face.

 

“Uh—” Connor breathes in, watching him before Evan watches his gaze avert to the ceiling. “Okay, so it’s just like…” He groans, drawing a hand away from Evan in order to drag it along his face. “Christ, you make me happy. You being here makes me fucking happy. It’s so easy to smile around you, Evan, like— holy shit.” There’s something of a forced laugh, and his arm fits itself once again around Evan. “...Holy _shit_.”

 

Whatever level of sleepiness that Evan had been at prior to this is gone, and he lets himself be tugged closer before he nods, feeling Connor’s fingers twist up through his hair and play with his curls.

 

He understands, in some sense, but there’s still confusion that Connor’s words are leaving in his head, and he stays quiet.

 

“I just, uh… Fuck, Evan, I never thought I’d be able to be this fucking happy about being here. Not, like, here in this apartment, or in bed with you or whatever, I just mean, like, _here_ here.”

 

 _Here as in alive._ Evan breathes in, nodding again as he registers Connor’s hand trailing down to his back. “...Yeah.”

 

“Yeah. So, excuse me if it’s easy to get all fucking sappy when I think about spending any amount of my life with you, Evan, but I can’t help it. I can’t help loving you. I can’t help wanting to be with you until I have to use a walker and a hearing aid.”

 

Wait. What? Evan’s eyebrows furrow, and he breathes in, looking up at Connor, who he finds is just staring right back at him. “Connor, what are you—”

 

“Hold on. Shit. Okay— All I’m saying is… All I’m _asking_ is if it’s so wrong to want to be with you. That’s it. That’s all. It’s not— It’s— Seeing you, here, with— Shit. Ev, I just love you a lot. And it’s— I—”

 

He’s fumbling hard, and Evan can’t help but it find it some weird level of endearing. It’s not particularly news to him that neither of them are the best with words, but it doesn’t change the fact that Connor’s rambling, and it’s got Evan’s heart racing.

 

“Connor, what are you doing?” Evan manages, trying to ignore the way that his breath catches on the last syllable. “Come on, please, you’re— I don’t—”

 

“Just give me a second. Please?” There’s a level of desperation in Connor’s voice, and it almost sounds strained. Evan sucks in a sharp breath before he nods quickly, looping his arms around Connor again and adjusting himself to look at him.

 

There’s a moment of silence again before Connor breathes in again, and Evan just watches through the dark as he finally begins to talk again.

 

“...It doesn’t have to be today,” he whispers, eyebrows furrowed. “Or tomorrow. Or this year, or in the next five years. I just know that at some point, I want to marry you. Because Evan, for me, you’re it.”

 

Oh. _Oh_. Evan can feel his heart pounding in his chest as he nods slowly, leaning up to press a chaste kiss to Connor’s lips before he pulls back enough to rest his forehead against his. His throat is burning. Or maybe that’s his chest. Or both. Everything feels like it’s on fire, but it’s right, and good, and the gears in his mind practically stop moving, because he’s known the answer for long enough.

 

“Evan? Fuck, come on, please—”

 

He cuts Connor off with another kiss, hands cupping his cheeks as the word pushes past his lips without a second thought.

 

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day!!
> 
> Well. Fuck. Here we are, kids. It's here. It's here and I'm in awe, because I've been so hooked on this particular chapter since last year when I started writing this fic. All I can think is 'Well, this is it.' And it is. So here it is, the one thing that I've been wanting to post forever, the Big Epilogue. The Big Reveal of my sweet daughter, Chloe Ariel Murphy-Hansen, who deserves the sun and sky, and if you have beef with me about her, or if you just wanna ask questions about her, you can hit me up at my main tumblr @[tearezicryrope](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com), or at the [Reinvention askblog](https://ask-evan-reinvented.tumblr.com/) (which still hasn't been touched in forever but hey listen I'll try my best.) 
> 
> Chloe's been around for like since June 2017 and I've had to stay absolutely completely quiet about her which has just been really hard because I love her a lot. But, like, granted, there was the one time that my good frond Nella drew [this drawing](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com/post/166916995142/havehave-you-thought-about-designing-a-child-for) of her along with some other fankid designs. (Chloe is the blonde) But no one knew who she was. Except for me. And Nella. And some other friends but my POINT IS that I love this little family. And I love all of you who've stuck through to this point, because!! Fuck, dude! This has been a really wild ride, and I can't believe it's over. I started writing this fic on April 15th, 2017 with the full intention of it being a one shot that I'd only show my friends, but then it went far, and it got far, and after 10 months I'm 76,000 words into this literal Novel and I'm really proud and also glad that y'all stuck with it. It's all here, and I'm... Emotional. Here I go, now. Signing off. I'll be around. I throw up a peace sign and I skateboard backwards into the sky.

**Author's Note:**

> "I need to know more about Connor and Evan."  
> "Then write something."  
> "I don't know, though."
> 
> Five days later I've got one hell of a fic in the works and an entire alternate universe fleshed out. Hope y'all enjoy. I have no idea how long this is going to be.
> 
> I'll add tags as I see fit or as they need to be. I've never actually written a multi-chapter so I sure am excited.
> 
> There's a Reinvention Discord Server now!!! If you're interested in joining, you can shoot me a message on either my main tumblr @[tearezicryrope](http://tearezicryrope.tumblr.com), or at the [Reinvention askblog](https://ask-evan-reinvented.tumblr.com/).


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